The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By

End the date first.

Don’t go back to his apartment or invite him up to yours or even think of having sex with him that night. Remember, this is a first date. If anything, you must be extra strict with this man. He dumped you once, he can hurt you again.

If this is to be a Rules relationship, he must call you and ask you out for Saturday night from now on. Seeing you either awakened a desire to date you again and to renew the relationship, or it didn’t. The only way to find out is if he calls you and asks you out. You should not ask him if he missed you or if he wants to get back together. If he is to pursue you, he should not know exactly how you feel about him. He should think, “She called me one day. She might be interested, but I’m not sure. Maybe she was just bored or found an old photo of us.” Remain mysterious—if he thinks that you’ve decided he’s The One, he could get scared.

If he calls, you must do all The Rules outlined in our first book, specifically, “How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3” and “How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time.” Treat him like a new boyfriend—don’t talk about the past or act too chummy. For example, you should not call his family, even if you met his parents and sister twenty times when you were dating. Remember, you’ve been apart. He has to invite you to any social events with his family and friends all over again.

If you meet him for dinner and he never calls again, he may not have felt a strong enough spark. Maybe he thought about it, but never got around to picking up the phone. Men can be that way. Maybe he’s involved with someone else, but didn’t tell you and met you for old time’s sake.

We know of several women who contacted old boyfriends for various reasons—to make amends for the past, to discuss a business problem, or to try to start over. In each case, these men met them for drinks, said they had a great time and hoped they could stay good friends, and then never called again.

We can only say that if this happens to you, you must try to accept that it’s over for him and move on.

Now what if this man happens to be your ex-husband and you’ve decided you want him back?

Again, it depends. If he initiated the divorce, you can make “One Call for Closure” and then follow the plan (outlined above) for getting back an ex-boyfriend. But don’t start making room in your closet. When a man initiates a divorce, he’s usually gone! It’s over and out.

However, if you initiated the divorce but are now sorry and miss him, there is hope, especially if you are still in contact with your ex and sense that he would be open to a reconciliation—maybe you have kids together and he lingers a while when he comes by on weekends to pick them up or just seems to find reasons to call you, to be friends, to be in your life. But you’re wondering, how do you go about telling him you want him back without making a fool of yourself or risking rejection?

We suggest you simply weave the following question into a friendly conversation the next time you see him or he calls: “Have you ever had second thoughts about our divorce?”That’s it. Don’t say another word. Don’t get sentimental and weepy and pour your heart out. He must take it from there, give you some indication that he would also like a reconciliation, whether it be then or at some point in the future when he’s had a chance to sort it out. Whatever you do, don’t rush him. Let him proceed at his own pace. He may suggest having dinner or drinks to talk things over, but these must be his overtures. You’ve done your part. Now it’s up to him.

We’ve outlined our suggestions for getting back an ex. But don’t be too upset if your old boyfriend or ex-husband just won’t come back. Remember, there was a reason the relationship didn’t work out before, so don’t romanticize it. Also, comfort yourself with the knowledge that it’s usually easier to do The Rules on a new man than an ex.

Sometimes trying to rekindle an old flame works, but frequently the best advice we can give a woman who thinks she’s still in love with her ex is Next!

Chapter 4 (#ulink_bfaeef41-39ef-5b19-9206-2003dd091dd6)

Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships (#ulink_bfaeef41-39ef-5b19-9206-2003dd091dd6)

If you have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer, or accountant, you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. You’re not alone, but you may not be seeing the situation for what it is. How can you know for sure? It’s simple. Has he ever asked you out? Has he ever suggested having a drink, coffee, lunch, or dinner? If the answer is no, then he’s not!

This may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how many women tell themselves it’s romance when a man pays them the slightest attention out of professional courtesy. We wrote this chapter to smash any delusions you might have about a fantasy relationship of your own. Unless he asks to spend time with you in a nonprofessional capacity, a relationship beyond business does not exist—and Rules girls don’t waste their time on nonexistent relationships!

The fact is, when a man is interested in a woman—including a female patient or client, employer or employee—he finds some way to ask her out. He may invite her to work out at his gym, attend a fund-raiser with him, or to play tennis over the weekend. He may not necessarily ask her out for a Saturday night date since that might be too obvious, or awkward, or forward, but he’ll figure out some way to see her outside of the office. This behavior is different from the professional courtesy of a physician or financial advisor, who might say, “Call me anytime,” which women mistakenly interpret as romantic interest.

Let’s examine three fantasy relationships and The Rules’s answers to remove any doubt you might have about a similar situation in your life.

Fantasy Relationship #1: Your internist of two years told you “beep me anytime” if your asthma acts up. He once told you to call him by his first name. He puts his arm around your shoulders when he escorts you out of his office. You just know he would ask you out if you weren’t his patient. And, naturally, you want to have a “talk” with him or ask him out!

The Rules answer: If a doctor is friendly, affectionate, concerned, and kind, then he’s doing his job. It’s not a come-on for a doctor to tell a patient to beep him or call the office “day or night” if his patient has asthma—people can die of asthma, and it’s his job to make sure his patients stay alive and well. Some doctors are informal (it’s okay to call them by their first name) and others are touchy-feely (they kiss all their patients hello and goodbye). It’s just good bedside manners—and good business—for a doctor to show warmth and caring. If he were romantically interested in you and uncomfortable about dating a patient, he would refer you to his associate and then ask you out.

Sure, it’s a little more complicated for a doctor, lawyer, or CEO to pursue a patient, client, or associate. But it’s not impossible. We’ve heard about bosses who’ve dated and even married their employees, even though it was frowned upon by the company. At first they kept the relationship a secret and then they voluntarily decided he or she would transfer to another division or another company so they could date freely.

Fantasy Relationship #2: Your accountant called you over the weekend to remind you to send in your tax forms before April 15. You think because he called you on Saturday at home instead of during the week at work there might be something there.

The Rules answer: Accountants work on the weekends, especially during the busy tax season. The lines between work and home, during-the-week, and weekends can be very blurry in business. Unless he suggested brunch, don’t read into it.

Fantasy Relationship #3: You think the waiter at the restaurant you go to twice a week likes you because he always remembers how you like your eggs and that you take your coffee light with two sugars. You think he’s more attentive to you than other customers—refills your coffee before you ask—and always makes conversation with you. You want to let him know you’re not seeing anyone seriously and would go out with him if he asked. The problem is, he hasn’t. What to do?

The Rules answer: Waiters are in the service business. It’s normal for a waiter to remember a regular customer’s preferences. He works for tips so it’s in his interest to be friendly, make conversation, get your order right. If he liked you beyond this, however, he would suggest having drinks one night.

The point bears repeating: When a man is really interested in a woman, he figures out some way to ask her out.

Don’t be insulted. We’re not suggesting. that your doctor, broker, or accountant isn’t fond of you, just that it’s not a Rules relationship until he asks you out.

Also keep in mind that many men, including professionals, like to flirt with women. Looking at lab results, contracts, and financial statements all day can get pretty boring, so it’s fun for them to make small talk, notice your figure if you’re in good shape, and compliment you on your new hairstyle. After all, they are men and they do like to look at women! It’s also an ego boost for them to put on the charm, knowing that it gives some of their female patients/clients high school girl crushes. But it’s all quite harmless, so don’t take it seriously unless he asks you on a date.

We’re not saying that you can’t daydream about your sexy doctor or look forward to quarterly meetings with your handsome financial planner. Being a Rules girl doesn’t mean you can’t have obsessions, it means you don’t act on them.

The danger lies in thinking there’s a relationship there, and not being open to real relationships. Women who are absorbed in fantasy relationships usually don’t have real ones!

Ask yourself, are you doing everything to meet men or are you living for the day when your dream lover asks you out? You’re less likely to place a personal ad, sign up with a dating service, or take that singles ski trip if you believe you’re in a relationship.

Remember, Rules girls know they’re either dating a man or not. There’s nothing in between.

So if you thought your broker or lawyer was interested in you, but after reading this chapter realize he may like you but not romantically, try to accept the truth instead of fighting it. Your first impulse may be to clear the air, be open and honest—ask him if he has feelings for you but isn’t acting on them because of your professional relationship. You might want to write him a note or, worse, a long letter explaining how you feel.

Don’t. First, that’s not The Rules. He must initiate any such talk. Second, nothing good will come of it. If you talk to him and he tells you that you misread his politeness and that he’s just as nice to every other client/patient, you’ll feel foolish and hurt—not to mention embarrassed about seeing him again professionally.

If, on the other hand, he tells you he is attracted to you, but has decided not to pursue the relationship because he’s involved with someone else or more interested in you as a client/patient than a lover, you’re not much better off. You have the ego satisfaction of knowing that he’s attracted to you, but so what? You still don’t have a Saturday night date, much less a relationship. And it’s a hollow victory anyway because if he was really crazy about you—and why would a Rules girl settle for anything less?—he would rather date you than just have a professional relationship with you.

So if you can’t tell him how you feel, what can you do?

The Rules. Look your best whenever you see him, end all phone calls/meetings first, show no interest in him personally, don’t send him holiday cards (if you mistakenly thought that would make him think about you in a different light) or invite him to your New Year’s party to pave the way from a professional relationship to a social one. Don’t buy him a tie for Christmas or bake him cookies for the holidays. Gifts don’t make men think about women or ask them out. Try to treat him as you would an elderly or unattractive man—not the handsome hunk you think he is!—someone you wouldn’t think twice about, much less bake brownies for!

Doing The Rules won’t make him ask you out if he was never going to, but it will keep you from wasting time baking cookies and writing notes to men who aren’t interested in you. You’ll have more self-esteem.

Of course, the best thing you can do is try to meet other men, men who do ask you out. Nothing replaces a fantasy relationship better than a Rules one! So move on!

Chapter 5 (#ulink_dbc62bc0-3b74-5f10-ab8c-a3789a8f0820)

Don’t Stand by His Desk and Other Rules for the Office Romance (#ulink_dbc62bc0-3b74-5f10-ab8c-a3789a8f0820)

The office is one of the trickiest places to follow The Rules because if you are dating someone at work, your professional life and your love life may overlap to some extent. Therefore, you must do The Rules strictly so you don’t place your job or your relationship (or both) in jeopardy.

Of course, the first rule is to figure out whether or not you are actually in an office romance. A lot of men like to flirt with women at the office. They don’t think twice about it, it means nothing to them and it should mean nothing to you! (See Chapter 4: “Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.”)

If you have a crush on someone in your office—a coworker, employee, or your boss—and he’s never asked you out, don’t try to get his attention. Some dating books have suggested you drink from the water cooler near his office or use the copier closest to his desk or even ask him out to lunch to discuss business. The Rules say, do your job and look your best. Don’t look for excuses to talk to him or walk by his desk. (You shouldn’t have to do any of these things to make him notice you. He either notices you or he doesn’t!)

Don’t tell yourself that he would have asked you out if you didn’t work for the same company. There are enough office romances out there to refute that theory. As we have stated, if it is not a company code, bosses have no problem dating employees and even their own secretaries if they want to. On the other hand, don’t count on working for the same company to be the spark that will unite you. Don’t stay at the company hoping that one day he will notice you and ask you out. We know women who waited in vain for years for that to happen. Rules girls don’t hold themselves back for a fantasy relationship.

Now assuming you are dating a coworker or even your boss, how should you act? Below are fourteen rules for office dating. Do them to the letter because you might have to see this man on a daily basis. There’s nothing worse than having to work with a man you dread seeing or who dreads seeing you everyday because you broke rules—or working with him after he drops you! These rules are not just good for the relationship, but for your company and your career. You’ll be a better worker if you’re not figuring out ways to be with him all day!

1. Do not go to work everyday, motivated by the prospect of seeing him or spending time with him, or you might act out on your feelings. Go to work thinking, how can I work hard today and contribute to my company—or at the very least, how can I not break The Rules. Try to be busy, as opposed to day-dreaming at your desk or, worse, finding reasons to talk to him or see him. (When the urge to stop by his office hits you, begin a new project or stop by a friend’s desk to say hello.) If he stops by your desk, be nice, but end the conversation after five or ten minutes unless it’s business-related. Just pick up the papers on your desk and say, “I’d better get back to work!”

2. Work hard, but don’t be such a tireless worker that you don’t care about your appearance. Don’t spend so much time at the office that you have no time for such mundane tasks as taking your clothes to the dry cleaner or getting a manicure. We know women who are smart and attractive, but you can’t help but notice the coffee stains on their blazers, their scruffy shoes, and untweezed eyebrows. Don’t be like that. You’re a Rules girl! Make sure you’re wearing fashionable suits and shoes—you want to look as good as you can! Don’t wear pantyhose with runs in them—keep extra pairs in your desk drawer in case they rip at work. Shine your shoes. Wear makeup and perfume, but not too much. (It’s an office, not a disco!) Remember, you’re a creature unlike any other and you care about your looks. Do all of this for yourself, but also because you could run into him or someone else at the office.

3. Do not agree to see him on a moment’s notice just because you work together. If he stops by your desk and casually asks you to have lunch with him that day or to have drinks after work that evening, say you’d love to, but can’t. Even if you are free for lunch or drinks, don’t see him on short notice. He should be asking you out in advance for the weekend.