The Rules for Marriage

‘The pedicure cost £15 and I’m going to see my toes in the winter. You spent £15 on appetizers when we were dating. Why are you making this a big deal?’ Peggy then launched into a 20-minute speech about how she worked just as hard as Don and was entitled to some pampering. Don wanted to know how they were going to save for a house and kids if Peggy was throwing money away in salons, on long phone calls to friends around the country and endless pairs of shoes. Peggy said ‘You’re over-reacting; £15 isn’t going to make or break us,’ to which Don replied, ‘It adds up. Besides, you can’t spend money like you’re single any more. We have to build a nest egg.’

When Peggy contacted us, we explained that Don’s behaviour was not so unusual. When a man is dating, he’s trying to impress you, but when he’s married he’s thinking of other things like paying the mortgage and saving for school fees. Peggy needed to lower her expectations – to not expect Don to be oblivious to finances and not to feel offended if he questioned her spending. We suggested she even appreciate that Don cared so much about their future security. We did not tell Peggy to cut back on her spending – that is her business – but to see Don’s point of view and allow him to worry and make comments about money without getting defensive or self-righteous. We suggested that the next time Don scrutinized her spending, she calmly reply, ‘I know, you may be right, but I really like pedicures. They make me feel good.’

Maybe your husband’s ‘bait and switch’ is that he used to want to go out a lot and have fun and now he’s glued to the telly and a little boring. Perhaps your husband’s change in behaviour is that he ran marathons when you were dating and now he snacks constantly, let his gym membership expire and has gained 2 stone. In this case, there is nothing you can do but live with it. It is unrealistic to expect a man to act exactly the way he did when he was dating you. We would venture to guess that you probably don’t exercise as much, wear as much makeup or those uncomfortable high heels and padded bras now as when you were single. The same goes for men. Once they’re comfortable with you, they tend to relax in their own ways, be it spending less or eating more or not shaving. They’re not trying to impress you every waking moment. Don’t expect them to. However, if your husband has blown up to, say, 22 stone and you are seriously concerned about his health, you can try stocking the house with healthy treats, cooking non-fattening meals and buying him an exercise bike for his next birthday. But no lectures, please – these rarely work! Unfortunately, sometimes a man has to suffer a heart attack mowing his front lawn or stuffing his face at a buffet to learn his lesson and go on a diet.

Different schedules and habits can also wreck havoc in the first year of marriage. Here is another true story.

Cindy knew Steve liked rock music when they were dating, but didn’t notice until they were married that he played the stereo loudly every day when he woke up at 6 a.m. She didn’t have to wake up for work until 7 a.m. and preferred the gentle sounds of birds chirping in their back garden. Every morning she woke up with resentment – not only was she up an hour earlier, but she had to listen to deafening music. She asked Steve if he could stop playing music in the morning, and just listen to the radio in the car on the way to work?

‘I’ve been waking up to music my whole life. I need it to help me get started in the morning. Why don’t you wear ear plugs or something?’ he objected. Cindy tried ear plugs but it only cut the sound in half. More upsetting than the music was Steve’s refusal to compromise. If he loved her, wouldn’t he care about her extra sleep and serenity? ‘How could I have married someone so inconsiderate?’ she asked us.

We told Cindy that she couldn’t expect her husband to change a life-long habit, and asked if there was anything that could turn her earlier waking time to her advantage, like going to a morning sessions at a gym. She now takes a 6 a.m. aerobics class and leaves Steve alone to enjoy his music, and she is thrilled to have her workout out of the way before her work day even begins.

Theresa also had to learn to adjust, rather than insist on her fantasies about the first year of marriage. She had always assumed that newlyweds ate dinner together, at least most of the time. A teacher, she was home by 4 p.m. and usually cooked a gourmet meal for her pediatrician husband, Robert, to eat at 6 p.m. Yet almost every evening he would ring to say he would be late. First he would ring to say he would be 10 minutes late, then half an hour, then ‘go ahead, eat without me’. There was either an emergency or paper work or a stop he had to make on the way home. He would come home around 7 or 8 p.m. and she would have to reheat his meal and just watch him eat. It was not what she’d had in mind.

We advised Theresa to be realistic about the nature of her husband’s work and to assume she would be eating alone Monday to Friday, so she’d be pleasantly surprised if she didn’t have to, or to invite a friend over or find something to do between 6 and 8 p.m. so she just wasn’t waiting in the kitchen for Robert’s call and fuming. Now they have turned their weekend dinners into special occasions, cooking together or splurging on romantic dinners out. Both of them look forward to these dinners all week.

Some first-year marriage dilemmas are more serious than eating dinner together. Here is Viv and Barry’s story. Giddy in love, Viv did not think twice about leaving her friends and family and career in the city, where she had lived her whole life, to move to the countryside where Barry owned a house and business. She just assumed that love would conquer all. But by their second month of marriage, Viv realized that she could not stand the sight of deer, missed the city, and was bored and lonely. She complained morning, noon and night. ‘If you loved me, you’d move to London,’ she would tell Barry. Her husband refused to relocate. ‘You’ll get used to it, everyone does,’ he reassured her. She found his answers cold and callous; easy for him to say, he’d lived there his whole life!

After arguing for another six months about where to live, Viv contacted us. We told her that if she wanted to stay married to Barry, she had to accept their living situation and that it was unrealistic to think he would relocate. We counselled her to stop telling Barry how unhappy she was and put her energy into finding work and meeting people in her area. Sentences beginning with ‘If you loved me …’ or ‘I hate the countryside’ should be removed from her conversation. The plan took time. But after a few months she found a part-time job in her neighbourhood and made a few friends by taking a night class and joining a gym. Suddenly, country life didn’t seem so bad.

Plus, Barry was so pleased by her adjustments that he suggested a weekend trip to London, and liked it so much that it became a frequent weekend activity.

If you are sparring with your husband over a serious or petty issue, try lowering your expectations of marital bliss. You may be pleasantly surprised, for he may meet you halfway. Remember, the only way to get your way all the time is to live by yourself – and even that is no guarantee. A noisy neighbour can interrupt your sleep just as much as a snoring husband!

Rule 5 (#ulink_0d307bd9-e6d8-5113-9b4f-ed629dabae41)

Be a Team (#ulink_0d307bd9-e6d8-5113-9b4f-ed629dabae41)

We told you in The Rules to be independent, to keep your own life – career interests, hobbies, friends etc. – when you meet Mr Right. This is necessary because many women tend to drop everything and everyone when they start dating a man they really like. They become too involved, see him too often too early on, and he eventually loses interest. Like it or not, men very often fall in love with women who initially appear willing to take them or leave them.

But the same independent spirit that helped him fall in love with you can backfire if you don’t tone it down and learn how to be a team player when you’re married.

While you should certainly continue to cultivate your career, friends and interests throughout your marriage, you must retrain yourself to think as a couple, not a single person. Before you plunge into things as if you were still single, try to take his feelings and opinions into account. For example, before you make plans with a girlfriend to grab dinner and a film – no big deal, right? – run it by him. It’s not that you are asking permission – he just might want to see that film with you, and it might make sense to choose a different one tonight.

Little courtesies of this kind can make a big difference. For example, try to wait to have dinner together when he phones to say he’ll be a half hour late, even though the food is hot, you’re starving and a little annoyed. Make sure you have at least 20 minutes together at some point during the day – whether it’s for a meal, a cup of tea or a cuddle – so that you can catch up on the day’s events and so that you don’t become ‘two ships passing in the night’.

Go to parties together or not at all. Force yourself to go to his distant cousin’s wedding even though you don’t know anyone and have a million things to do that weekend. If he’s not in the mood to go to your friend’s New Year’s party, don’t force him to and don’t go alone. Rent a video and order in a Chinese take-away if he wants to ring in the New Year quietly.

Take your husband’s opinion into account before buying things or taking decisions that affect both of you. For example, before buying that Laura Ashley bedspread and matching curtains, ask him if he likes that kind of frilly stuff. Do not assume men have no interest in such things. You might be surprised to find out that married men have very definite opinions about everything from time spent apart to decorating.

We have many married girlfriends and can tell you that their husbands are downright offended when they are not consulted about everything from the hemline of the cocktail dress they just bought to health and career issues. Married men can get particularly peeved if they find out that you consulted your friend/mother for advice rather than them. They have egos and would like to think that they have the answers, that they are your saviour or at least that you care about their opinions enough to ask. Say you are feeling depressed and a good friend suggests the over-the-counter antidepressant she found helpful. Don’t rush out to buy it before mentioning it your husband. If he is like most husbands, he will want to have a say in your health and any potential side-effects of medicine you might take.

Separate holidays have become more popular among married couples. We don’t think this is a good idea. Over time, doing your own thing will cause you to lead separate lives. We are not talking about a three-day jaunt to Bournemouth with your sister or best friend. But if you want to spend a week in Florida, your husband should be your travel companion.

But suppose your idea of a fun holiday is lying on a beach in the Caribbean, while your husband loves tours of historic sites and museums. You should figure out a way to do a little of both. One year you can go to the beach, the next year you can do a tourist package together, or go on a trip with a beach near some sites of cultural interest. Once you start planning separate holidays, you become like flatmates, not lovers.

Ditto for money. With more women working these days, it’s become popular for couples to have separate savings or current accounts instead of (or in addition to) a joint account. The idea is for each spouse to have his or her own ‘personal’ money to spend without having to explain or account for it to the other. We are not financial experts and we don’t presume to tell you how to save or spend your money in a marriage. But we can tell you that couples who pool their money together and spend it as if they are one person, a team, generally do not have the money issues that plague couples with separate accounts.

When you have a separate account, you’re thinking ‘me’ like a single person who happens to live with a flatmate. When you have a joint account, you’re thinking ‘we’, you’re thinking unselfishly of what’s best for both of you and your children, you have a common vision, similar goals. Whenever we ask a woman why she feels it necessary to put aside X amount of money in a separate account every month, she will invariably say, ‘That way I can buy a new dress or shoes without any hassle and without feeling guilty … My husband thinks it’s frivolous, that we should be putting every penny we can towards a new house or our children’s savings fund.’

Our thought is, what kind of marriage do they have if she is not allowed to spend a reasonable amount of money on herself, especially if she is earning it? When you have separate accounts it creates this whole secrecy about spending. Why can’t she simply tell her husband, ‘I need a new dress’ and take it out of their joint account?

Similarly, a husband will set up a separate account to indulge his boat habit. Why does he need a separate account? If their marriage is a good one and he is not being irresponsible why can’t his wife be happy that he likes to boat and be OK with the expenses that go along with it?

Another common response is, ‘What if our marriage doesn’t work out? I want to make sure I have some money of my own’. We have a problem with that, too. If a woman is going into a marriage with thoughts of ‘what if it doesn’t work?’, how committed is she? Her problem is not money, but commitment or love.

If your primary objective is maximum financial independence and security, then yes, you should keep money on the side and have separate accounts. But then you should be reading a different book. This book is not about money, but what makes for a great marriage. As far as we are concerned, a great marriage includes complete trust about everything, even money. We don’t think you can have complete trust with money on the side.

If you must have separate accounts, on some level you are not trusting that your needs will be met with a joint account. You feel you have to fend for yourself. Call us old-fashioned or naïve, but we think that when you marry for love you do not have to worry about having your financial needs met anymore than an infant worries about getting enough milk. There should be an implicit trust that you are a team, what’s good for one is good for the other, a generosity of spirit, not a penny-pinching mentality. It does not matter if you are poor or rich, it’s about trust. We are not talking about gamblers, drug addicts, dishonest businessmen or men who are completely irresponsible. We are talking about the average husband, who you married for richer or poorer. If you are worried about how your husband is spending or investing your money, then your problem is trust. If you don’t trust your husband, you shouldn’t have married him.

In our first book we said not to split the bill, not because you can’t afford to pay for dinner, but because any man who asks you to pay is probably not in love with you. If he’s thinking about the cost of the prawns you ordered, then he’s not thinking about you.

The same applies to money matters in a marriage. If you’re even thinking about money in a he-versus-me way and keeping score of who is earning what and spending what, there is something deeply wrong. The fact is, sometimes a wife has to support her husband through graduate school or a layoff or career change; sometimes a husband has to be the sole breadwinner when his wife decides to quit work to be a stay-at-home mum. Sometimes you earn more, sometimes he does. So what? Aren’t you in this together? If you think in terms of ‘all for one and one for all’, there is no resentment or competition or need for separate accounts.

There are of course extenuating circumstances for keeping your money separately – for example if you are divorced and have money from your first marriage that you are saving for your children, or if this arrangement is part of a prenuptial agreement. We have no problem with prenups. If either of you have made lots of money before you met, why shouldn’t you keep it? Besides, you’re marrying for love, not money, right?

Rule 6 (#ulink_0cc8ce21-91bf-52d6-a664-ad1e05a9c581)

Accept that Some Things Are None of Your Business (#ulink_0cc8ce21-91bf-52d6-a664-ad1e05a9c581)

Every man has a few secrets or things he does that he does not want to be questioned about. As long as they are relatively harmless (i.e. not a drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, infidelity or tax evasion), don’t demand that he tell you. You can gently feel him out to see if he is comfortable discussing any of the topics below, but if he wants his privacy, grant him that. (After all, you probably have a few secrets too.) Here are areas where it would be wise to mind your own business:

His relationship with (or lack of relationship with) his family. Don’t ask him why he tells his mother everything or why he never talks to her. Focus on your own family – your relationship with your parents and children.

How long it really takes him to get home from work. You know it takes 20 minutes, but somehow he doesn’t get home for a full hour. Don’t ask him why. He may have met a friend for a quick drink or had the car washed. He doesn’t want to have to account for every minute of his commute. Remember, the time between work and home is about the only time he has to himself all day. It’s the only time no one – not his boss, you, his kids, his clients – is bothering him, so let him enjoy it. So when he comes home a little late, don’t press him – just act glad to see him and enjoy your time together.

Business secrets. Some men would rather not tell you exactly what they have to do to make a sale or succeed in business. We’re not talking about anything dishonest or illegal here. We’re just saying they don’t want to divulge the gory details of having to wine and dine a client to get their business or what pressure tactics they have to use. Your stockbroker husband doesn’t want to tell you how he gets people to invest their savings. Sometimes he would rather not relive the transactions – it’s enough to go through it at work! If your husband doesn’t volunteer details about his business methods, assume you’re not supposed to know.

His health. Some men don’t go to a doctor or a dentist for years on end. They have a macho attitude or think, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ Maybe they don’t go because they don’t want to hear the doctor say, ‘Stop smoking, lose weight, exercise’ or anything else they don’t want to do. Some wait for a heart attack or an ulcer to go for a check-up. If you are married to a man who doesn’t take care of his health, you can nicely ask him if he’s due for a check-up, but do not nag him to go or make an appointment for him – you’re not his mother! His health is his business, even if he is your husband. If your husband is overweight, don’t ask him how much he weighs or sneak up behind him when he stands on the bathroom scales. If he doesn’t volunteer the number, it’s none of your business. You can, however, set a good example by eating healthy and exercising yourself. But that’s about all.

How much he sleeps and his telly-watching habits. Some men sleep too much (all weekend) or too little (four hours a night). It’s not your job to correct either. Don’t try to be the sleep police. Some men fall asleep watching telly, which can drive their wives crazy. But you can’t reason with a man who insists on watching Newsnight every night but falls asleep in his chair before the presenter has uttered a word. As long as he spends time with you before this, don’t question it.

How he dresses. Some women are embarrassed by their husband’s wardrobe. Some men just don’t know how to dress; some don’t care about fashion or refuse to spend the money on good clothes; some wear clothes that are out of style because they hate shopping; and some wear clothes that don’t fit well because they are out of shape. All you can do is help your husband dress if he asks you to and buy him ties, shirts and suits as presents and put them in his cupboard. After that, you have to let it go. He’s not 10 years old. You can’t make him look good or always wear what you want. Hopefully, he will like what you pick out for him as gifts – if not, just shrug it off as ‘his unique style’.

Rule 7 (#ulink_0a887da5-a43f-5d1c-bb70-ba2e4d82ef34)

Let Him Win (#ulink_0a887da5-a43f-5d1c-bb70-ba2e4d82ef34)

You fell in love with a house you really can’t afford; he would rather buy a smaller house and have more money for furniture and a new car. You want to go first-class to Paris for your 10th wedding anniversary, he said OK but never mentioned it again and your 11th anniversary is just around the corner. You want to have three kids, he’s fine with two. You want a luxury car; he wants to buy a cheaper model and save money for university fees.

Do you fight for what you want or let him win? Women ask us this all the time.

We say, unless it is a crucial issue to you, let him win. The relationship as a whole is more important than always getting your way. It’s better to be happy than right.

You may think we are being unfair. We know how you feel, but we are telling you what works. If you win and the relationship suffers, you lose, so is it really worth it? We don’t think so. Our experience is that even if you get your way, you will usually regret it. If you let him win, he can never say ‘I told you so’ or resent you for forcing the issue.

You can probably relate to this true story.