Дживс, вы – гений! / Thank you, Jeeves!

“Jeeves,” I was stunned, “did I hear you correctly?”

“Yes, sir. If it is your intention to play that instrument within a country cottage…”

“You say ‘that instrument’, Jeeves. And you say it in an unpleasant voice. Am I to understand that you dislike this banjolele?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Let me tell you one thing. Are you aware that a certain Bulgarian, Elia Gospodinoff[27 - Elia Gospodinoff – Элья Господинофф], once played the bagpipes for twenty-four hours without a stop?”

“Indeed, sir?”

“Well, do you suppose Gospodinoff’s personal attendant went away? A laughable idea. Be Bulgarian, Jeeves.”

“No, sir. I fear I cannot.”

“Are you serious, Jeeves?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you are resolved?”

“Yes, sir. If it is really your intention to continue playing that instrument, I have no option but to leave.”

The Wooster blood boiled over. This blighter thinks he is domestic Mussolini[28 - Mussolini – Муссолини]. But what is Jeeves, after all? A valet. A salaried servant!

“Then, Jeeves, leave, dash it![29 - dash it! – чёрт побери!]”

“Very good, sir.”

2

Chuffy

I assembled the stick, the hat, and the lemon-coloured gloves and strode out into the streets of London. Though I was afraid what existence would be like without Jeeves, I had no thought of weakening. As I turned the corner into Piccadilly[30 - Piccadilly – Пикадилли], I observed a familiar form.

This familiar form was none other than that of my boyhood friend, the fifth Baron Chuffnell[31 - Baron Chuffnell – барон Чаффнелл] —the chap, if you remember, whose Aunt Myrtle I had seen the previous night with the hellhound, Glossop.

The sight of him reminded me that I was looking for a country cottage and that here was the very chap who had one.

I wonder if I have ever told you about Chuffy? Stop me if I have. He’s a fellow I’ve known more or less all my life, he and myself having been at private school, Eton and Oxford[32 - Eton and Oxford – Итон и Оксфорд] together. Now he spends most of his time down at Chuffnell Regis[33 - Chuffnell Regis – Чаффнел-Реджис], where he owns an enormous great place with about a hundred and fifty rooms and miles of parkland.

Don’t think, however, that Chuffy is one of my wealthier friends. He can’t afford to live anywhere else. If somebody came to him and offered to buy the place, he would kiss him on both cheeks. But who wants to buy a house that size in these times? So he lives there most of the year, with nobody to talk to except the local doctor and parson and his Aunt Myrtle and her twelve-year-old son, Seabury[34 - Seabury – Сибери], who live at the Dower House[35 - Dower House – вдовий флигель] in the park.

Chuffy also owns the village of Chuffnell Regis—not that that does him much good, either. I mean to say, the taxes on the estate and all the expenses of repairs are very high. Still, he is the landlord, and, as such, would have dozens of cottages at his disposal.

“You’re the very chap I wanted to see, Chuffy,” I said accordingly. “Come right along with me to the Drones[36 - the Drones – «Трутни»] for a lunch. I must tell you something.”

He shook his head.

“I’d like it, Bertie, but I’m due at the Carlton[37 - the Carlton – «Карлтон» (название отеля)] in five minutes. I’m lunching with a man.”

“Well, bring him along, then.”

Chuffy smiled.

“I don’t think you’d enjoy it, Bertie. He’s Sir Roderick Glossop.”

I goggled.

“Sir Roderick Glossop?”

“Yes.”

“But I didn’t know you knew him.”

“I don’t, very well. Just met him a couple of times. He’s a great friend of my Aunt Myrtle.”

“Ah! That explains it. I saw her dining with him last night.”

“Well, if you come to the Carlton, you’ll see me lunching with him today.”

“But, Chuffy, old man, is this wise? Is this prudent?”

“Nothing to do, Bertie. I had an urgent wire[38 - an urgent wire – срочная телеграмма] from him yesterday, telling me to come up and see him immediately. So, I shall go, Bertie. But I’ll tell you what I will do. I’ll dine with you tomorrow night.”

But I had already formed my plans and made my arrangements and they could not be altered.

“I’m sorry, Chuffy. I’m leaving London tomorrow.”

“You are?”

“Yes. The management of the building where I reside has offered me the choice between leaving immediately or ceasing to play the banjolele. I elected to leave. I am going to take a cottage in the country somewhere, and that’s what I meant when I said I wanted to talk to you. Can you let me have a cottage?”

“I can give you your choice of half a dozen.”

“It must be quiet and secluded. I shall be playing the banjolele a lot.”

“There is one. On the edge of the harbour and not a neighbour within a mile except Police Sergeant Voules[39 - Police Sergeant Voules – сержант полиции Ваулз]. And he plays the harmonium. You could do duets.”

“Fine!”

“And there’s a troupe of negro minstrels down there this year. You could study their technique.”

“Chuffy, it sounds like heaven. And we shall be able to see each other sometimes.”

“By the way, what has Jeeves said about all this? I don’t think he wants to leave London.”

“Jeeves has nothing to say on that or any other subject. We have parted.”