Her Last First Date

The waitress returned with two mugs of coffee, then left.

“I’m not here to make trouble,” Crissy added. “I just thought it might be nice if I could meet him or something.”

She wondered if Josh would make a crack about her turning thirty and finally hearing the first not-so-subtle ticks of her biological clock, or if he would be defensive. Instead he simply regarded her thoughtfully with his soulful green eyes, saying nothing.

“What are you thinking?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.

“That you’ve spent a lot of time beating yourself up about giving up a baby for adoption. You were what—seventeen?”

When she got pregnant, but eighteen when he was born. “I’d finished high school,” she said, not sure if she was explaining or trying to manipulate him into yelling at her.

Because he was right. She did beat herself up a lot. She’d taken the easy way out—she’d chosen to have the life she’d planned instead of raising her child herself. No matter how she rearranged the facts, she couldn’t seem to make herself the honorable party.

Josh continued to study her. “Abbey can’t have kids. She told you, right?”

Crissy nodded. “The first time we met. She’d had an accident when she was younger and the result was she couldn’t have children. She and Pete started looking into adoption as soon as they got married. My parents knew their lawyer and on their first anniversary, we met to talk about them taking Brandon.”

She didn’t remember much about that meeting except Pete and Abbey had both been incredibly nice and understanding. She’d instantly felt comfortable with the young couple and knew they were the ones. But she hadn’t been willing to be a part of their family, no matter how many invitations they issued. She couldn’t allow herself—it was her punishment.

“Here’s how I look at it,” Josh said. “Pete and Abbey both want tons of kids. You gave them their first. Why would I think that was anything but totally cool?”

Despite the rush of emotion she had flowing through her body at the moment, she smiled. “Totally cool?”

He grinned. “You can pick another phrase if you want.”

“No, that one works.” She reached for her napkin and began to pleat it. “Okay, here’s another question. Why are they being so nice about this? It’s been nearly thirteen years. After all this time, I finally want to meet Brandon. Aren’t they scared I’m going to do something horrible? Like take him back or try to become the most important person in his life?”

“Are you?”

“No, but they don’t know that.”

He sipped his coffee. “Yeah, they do.”

Because they were nice, Crissy thought, again remembering that first meeting with the couple. While she appreciated nice, in these circumstances, she wasn’t sure she trusted it.

“I want to meet Brandon.” She said the words for the first time in her life. She’d e-mailed them to Abbey, but she’d never actually said them aloud before. “I want to get to know him. But not in an intense way. Something easy and casual.”

“That can be arranged.”

“I’m not prepared to tell him who I am,” Crissy continued. That decision was a whole lot more about Brandon than her. While he knew he was adopted and had a birth mother somewhere in the world, knowing and meeting were two different propositions. He was only a kid. They should get to know each other before getting into issues.

“Abbey told me how you felt and why. We all agree with your logic.” He leaned toward her. “Crissy, it’s okay. Pete and Abbey have been hoping you’d want to get to know Brandon. They feel having his birth mother in his life will give him a connection with his heritage.”

“His heritage? Great. Now I feel like a building.”

Josh chuckled. It was a low, warm sound that eased her tension.

“You don’t look anything like a building. Trust me,” he said.

The funny part was, she wanted to. There was something about Josh Daniels that made her think maybe, just maybe, everything was going to work out.

“I have this nagging sense of punishment,” she said, without meaning to say that aloud. “That I should be, or will be.”

“Because you want to meet the child you gave up for adoption?”

“Sort of.” The feeling was more vague than that. More impending doom than actual event. “Like I don’t deserve a second chance when it comes to this.”

Josh studied her. “I’m not a psychologist,” he began.

Despite everything, Crissy smiled. “Oh, no. That statement is usually followed by the word ‘but’ and some advice or opinion.”

“You think you know everything.”

“I actually know a lot.”

He sipped his coffee. “I’m not a professional, but…”

“See?”

He ignored her. “But it seems to me the only person intent on judging and punishing is you. Maybe it’s time to move on.”

Sensible advice. Advice she should take.

“So who are you?” she asked. “I know you’re Pete’s brother, but what do you do with your day?”

“I’m a doctor. Pediatric oncologist.”

It took a second for her to make the connection. “Kids with cancer?”

He nodded. “I take the tough cases—the ones no one else will deal with. I spend my day searching for miracles.”

She’d thought Pete and Abbey were too good to be true. Apparently it was a family trait.

“That has to be hard,” she said.

He shrugged. “The success rates aren’t as high as any of us would like, but I’m determined to give those kids and their families hope. Sometimes hope is all they have.”

There was compassion in his expression and his voice, which probably explained why it was so easy for him not to worry about what she’d done. In his world, giving away a healthy baby to a loving couple delighted to start their family wasn’t even a blip on the radar screen.

Maybe she should look at her situation from his perspective.

Crissy wasn’t what Josh had expected. Intellectually he’d known she had to be close to thirty, but in his mind, he’d half expected a frightened teenager to show up. But if Brandon had grown from a baby to a happy, athletic twelve-year-old it made sense his birth mother had also changed.

He knew the basics about Crissy—that she came from a good family, had a college education, wasn’t married and that she deposited money into Brandon’s college fund every year on his birthday. Although Pete and Abbey had encouraged her to become a part of the family, she’d never been willing to take that step. Until now.

He’d always thought of her as “the birth mother.” Never as her own person. Until meeting her, he’d never considered that there was someone in the world who had Brandon’s eyes or his smile.

“I see you in him,” he said.