Forget-Me-Not Child

‘Well, out of respect, I suppose.’

‘You knew Sean and Gerry as well as I did,’ Barry said. ‘And if it is as the priests say and they are in a better place and can look down on us, knowing them well, do you think they’d be happier in Paradise if we lamented long and hard and went round with faces that would turn the milk sour?’

‘Yes but …’

‘Angela, don’t think me heartless,’ Barry begged, ‘for I’m really not and there’s not a day goes by when I don’t miss my brothers, but they would want me to get on and live life. Besides, I’m not just thinking of me in this but of Mammy too, particularly Mammy, for if we wed soon she will have to take a grip on herself because there would be a wedding to plan and the thought of grandchildren to gladden her heart. It will give her something to look forward to, something to live for.’

Angela wasn’t at all sure that Barry was right in his assumptions, but now they had admitted their feelings for each other she doubted they could continue to be discreet, and anyway, she didn’t want some hole-in-a-corner affair. Barry had at least convinced her that they were doing nothing to be ashamed of, so she didn’t want to go skulking around her own home and perhaps lying to Mary and Matt, for that wouldn’t be showing either of them any respect at all. No, it had to be out in the open. ‘You’re right Barry, it’s only right that they be told as soon as possible.’

‘Yes,’ said Barry. ‘I’ll speak to them tomorrow after dinner.’

SIX (#ulink_025557e9-ea23-53ca-8874-dcc485c1077d)

The following evening Angela had made an excellent stew from a selection of vegetables and a scrag end of mutton she had queued for hours in the Bull Ring to get. She wanted to make something a bit special for she knew Barry was intending to speak to his parents that night and in their present lethargy and sadness she wasn’t at all sure how they would react to it.

As they sat at the table Angela thought Mary looked just a shade better. There was a spark in her eyes that she hadn’t seen in a long while and she was pleased to see that Mary at least had got her appetite back, for she attacked her dinner with relish. Small signs of recovery, surely, and she couldn’t help feeling that what Barry was going to say might knock her right back again. When everyone had finished, Angela cleared away and made a cup of tea.

Normally they would take the tea to drink before the fire, but Barry asked them to sit at the table and drink it because he had something he wanted to say to them. Angela saw Mary gazing at Barry fearfully. Angela’s mouth went suddenly very dry and she watched Mary’s face with apprehension as Barry explained that the brotherly love he had always had for Angela had changed to real love and just the previous day Angela had admitted she felt the same way. ‘So now we know we truly love one another, we want to get married,’ Barry said.

Mary smiled wryly and she wondered if her young son thought he was telling her news because she’d seen how it was for the young people some time before. They had betrayed themselves in just the way they gazed at one another in odd moments. His brothers had been aware of it too, for she had overheard them discussing it and she couldn’t have been happier, for she had prayed for just such an outcome in her nightly prayers for years.

Before she was able to say this however, Matt spoke and as he hadn’t spoken since the arrival of the telegram, Angela was pleased that their discussion seemed to have got through to him, even though his words were ones of censure. ‘Talking of marriage when your brothers are barely cold?’ he said to Barry and his voice was almost a growl and the words seemed wrung out of him. ‘At best it’s unseemly and disrespectful. I’m ashamed of you, Barry.’

‘And not getting married will bring the boys back, will it?’ Mary demanded, before Barry had a chance to speak.

Angela looked at Mary her in astonishment. Mary caught the look and with a sigh admitted, ‘I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe I have been selfish, wallowing in self-pity.’

‘Ah no, Mammy,’ Angela contradicted. ‘You haven’t a selfish bone in your body.’

Mary shook her head with a sad smile and said, ‘I am no saint, my dear, and you have done your best to shield me from what happened on that tragic boat. But today when you were in the market, your father was feeling a bit chilly and so I went down to the cellar to get the makings to lay the fire and there I saw the old papers you kept from me and I read that entire families were lost on that ship and …’ Mary’s voice faltered and stopped as she recalled her shock and horror reading the words Barry and Angela had sought to protect her from. The anguish in her heart had forced a cry from her and tears stood out in her eyes for her own lost sons. And yet she knew they weren’t the only sons lost, there were also husbands, fathers and brothers lost. All no doubt beloved members of families who would always miss them, because even the relatively few passengers from steerage that had been rescued were women and children, the lucky ones.

Remembering this now she said to Barry, ‘Were there no men at all from steerage saved?’

‘Well it was women and children first,’ Barry said. ‘In the papers I read it said that at first, when the sailors began loading the lifeboats, it was first-class passengers first and there were men too. When they realized how bad the situation was, the men were refused and they only took women and children.’

‘Well I read in one paper that there weren’t enough lifeboats for all on board anyway,’ Mary said. ‘I think that a scandalous state of affairs.’

‘It was supposed to be unsinkable,’ Barry pointed out. ‘I imagine Finn and Colm feel bad because they encouraged Sean and Gerry to go on that ship.’

‘Because it was supposed to be the safest way to cross the Atlantic,’ Mary said. ‘And yet nothing changes, for aside from the men, most of those who were left to die in the icy sea were steerage passengers. Women and children, even wee babies.’

‘It was a dreadful thing to happen,’ Angela said. ‘I was beginning to think you would never recover from such tragedy.’

‘I was beginning to feel that way myself,’ Mary said. ‘But even before I found the papers in the cellar I had told myself that I must get over it. I mean I don’t think there will be a day goes by when I’ll not miss those boys and wish with all my heart they hadn’t died and certainly not in that awful way, but had they not died I was hardly likely to see them again, for few people ever return from America, and so it’s as if they are dead in a way.

‘Oh, they could have written as Finn and Colm do and I am pleased they have such good jobs and, please God, one day they will write and tell me of the girls they intend to marry and later the birth of children I will never see. It is hard rearing children who are unable to find any sort of future in the country where they were raised so that they have to go so far across the foam, but the reality is four sons have already been lost to me.’

Angela’s heart bled for the abject sorrow on Mary’s face because every word she spoke was the truth. And then Mary gave a sigh and went on, ‘However, some in that fated ship lost all belonging to them, while I still have one son left and I have Angela, who is as close as any daughter. For the two of you to wed is what I have longed for and though both of you are young, life is uncertain and I think we should go ahead and plan the wedding.’

‘I see you are determined upon it,’ Matt said. ‘Going on as if our sons had not existed.’

‘If they lived they would applaud us,’ Mary said. ‘And I doubt they’d feel any different dead. They knew the way the wind blew between Barry and Angela probably before they realized it themselves. I know you are hurting, for I am myself, but we can’t undo this terrible tragedy. Sean and Gerry died a painful death and that will stay with me always. But this is a new start for us all and if you can’t see that then you’re a numbskull.’

‘Oh, it’s a numbskull I am now, is it?’ Matt said, affronted.

‘Yes you are,’ Mary said unabashed. ‘If you can’t see that this is the way forward, the only way, something in life to look forward to and in time rejoice in.’

Matt was quiet and Angela could tell he was thinking over Mary’s words as she knew he often did. She was astounded at the rapid turnabout Mary had made and wondered if they’d been right to try to shield her. She was a lot stronger than either of them had given her credit for and this truth was compounded when she turned to Angela and said, ‘Now weddings cost money and I know there is precious little to spare so how about trotting off to Maitland’s Grocery tomorrow morning and seeing if you can have your old job back. Didn’t you say he was keeping it open for you?’

Angela nodded. ‘Till this Monday.’

‘Well tomorrow is Saturday, so if he has kept his word your job will still be there for you.’

‘Shall you be all right?’

Mary nodded. ‘I might be better if I have less time to think.’

‘Shall you mind going back?’ Barry asked.

‘No,’ Angela said with a laugh. ‘Why should I mind? I loved my job and I know the money is needed. I can’t wait to start if you want the truth.’

‘Good,’ Mary said. ‘That’s settled then.’

The next morning Angela set off for Maitland’s Grocery Store early, fairly certain that George Maitland would be there getting ready for the first customers, and when she tapped on the door he opened it with a beam. ‘Am I pleased to see you,’ he cried, throwing the door wide. ‘Come in, come in and give me the news.’

‘Well the first thing is I would like my job back, please,’ Angela said.

George sighed in relief as Angela explained that she now felt able to leave Mary and Matt to fend for themselves and return to work. ‘They are much improved,’ she told George when he enquired after them. ‘At least,’ she added more honestly, ‘Mammy has improved. I think Daddy will never really get over it and I think he sort of blames Fin and Colm for encouraging the two younger ones to go. Mammy doesn’t and she says that tomorrow she is going to write and tell them so because you know they write regularly and we expected a letter from them after the telegram but we have heard nothing. Barry thinks they might be a little scared to write and he could be right, but anyway if that’s the case Mammy intends to remedy it.’

George nodded. ‘She’s a great woman, Mary.’

Angela nodded. ‘She is indeed and I know that more than most.’

‘But Matt hasn’t got much better you say?’

Angela shook her head and added, ‘You would hardly know what he thinks, because he seldom says anything at all and none of it good since the arrival of the telegram.’

‘No sign of him getting back to work?’ George asked. ‘That might help him get a grip on himself.’

Angela shook her head vehemently. ‘He’s not fit,’ she said. ‘Not physically I don’t mean, though he’s thinner and frailer than he was because he eats so little and has started having pains in his stomach again, but he’s had those pains for ages. Mammy thinks it’s indigestion. But I’d be more worried about his emotional state. Barry thinks he might never work again.’

‘It must be hard for you financially with Barry not out of his apprenticeship yet.’

Angela shrugged. ‘It has been hard but we have managed just about. Needs must and all that.’

‘Well I’m delighted you’re back. The customers have been asking for you. Mrs Maitland has had to come and help me at busy times.’

Angela wrinkled her nose, for Matilda Maitland had scarcely set foot in the shop since she had been working there. ‘Bet that didn’t go down too well.’