A Rough Diamond

SIR W. No, no, you’re pleased to compliment.

MAR. (comes between them) Hallo! you’re whispering! where’s your manners, whispering before a lady? Is that your education, my dear?

SIR W. I stand corrected.

MAR. Corrected? why, I haven’t touched you – though you deserve to catch toko, that you do.

SIR W. Well, my dear friend, I shall expect you to dine with us to-day.

MAR. Ah, do! come and take pot luck!

SIR W. Lady Evergreen, I implore you!

MAR. If he knows my meaning what does it matter? You’ll come, won’t you? Oh, do! and bring some of the sojers with you – I like sojers! What are you, a sharpshooter, or a – what d’ye call ’em?

BLEN. In the infantry, your ladyship.

MAR. Infant – infantry! Oh! what, young ’uns in arms?

SIR W. No, no, my dear!

MAR. I know, bless you! but I like what I used to see in the country – the – the yeo-ho – No, yeo-ho’s sailors – the yeomanry, that’s it! I like them best – such red jackets with yellow insides, and a thing on their heads like a tin pot with a large fox’s brush pulled over it. Oh, didn’t they look prime!

SIR W. Oh good gracious! oh good heavens! (stamps about in agony)

MAR. Oh! look at my Billy dancing! I never saw him so full of fun before.

BLEN. Well, Lady Evergreen, I shall certainly accept your kind invitation: I must return to my quarters for a short time, but will rejoin you in the course of half-an-hour. I am delighted at meeting you again, Sir William, and believe me equally delighted at my introduction to your excellent lady.

MAR. That’s hearty! give me your hand —you’re the kind o’ man I like, after all.

SIR W. Don’t be longer than half-an-hour.

BLEN. Not a moment. Adieu, my lady, for the present.

MAR. Good bye! Come again soon, now.

BLENHEIM goes off at the back —MARGERY calls after him

– Captain! bon jour! There! that’s French, there’s a bit of education for him!

SIR W. Now, my dear, that we are alone, I must tell you that your behaviour has been abominable.

MAR. Oh! has it? Now if I didn’t think I was quite the lady!

SIR W. What with your directions respecting your animals, and your reference to your cousin Joe and the old woman your schoolmistress, and your ridiculous eulogium on the uniform of the yeomanry, I thought I should have taken to my heels and have run out of the house.

MAR. I wish you had – I know I should have got on much better without you at my elbow. And as for my cousin Joe, he may be a stupid fellow and all that, but he’s a very good fellow, and if he don’t know how to make a proper bow, or a long speech like you do – such as when I’ve heard you practising to yourself about railroads, and borrowing money, and taxes, and the state of the nation, and situation of the population, and that horrible Education —he can talk so as I can understand him, and that’s more than I always can when you talk – and anybody else, for the matter o’ that. And if I did like the sojers I used to see so often, what harm was there in that? I’m sure the Captain was a fine man, a very fine man, whiskers and all – and I’ve often looked at him till I’ve felt as if I could eat him.

SIR W. I know that you mean no harm – I know that your heart is pure; but you must learn to be conscious of your present station in society. The diamond, though of value in its rough and original state, must be polished and set before it can be worn. Now to-day, when I rang for the cook and wished you to commence giving your own orders for dinner, and had previously practised you in the pronunciation of asking for cabillaud au gratin poulet roti—pomme de terre bute—

MAR. Well, I couldn’t recollect it, and so I thought it best to ask for what I liked better than anything.

SIR W. And are you aware what you did ask for?

MAR. I only asked for a toad in a hole.

SIR W. And didn’t you perceive the vain endeavour of the servant to conceal his laughter? didn’t you perceive my face suffused with blushes?

MAR. Well, I speak according to my knowledge, and I know I always speak the truth and what I want to say, without any beating about the bush; and that’s much better than being deceitful and making believe to be glad to see people when you really wish ’em at Jericho, and go grinning and smiling up to ’em, and shaking hands, when in your heart you’d like to shake ’em inside out – and make use of fine words and say beautiful things when you don’t mean it. You may call it polish if you like, but I call it telling lies.

SIR W. But the usages of society – the —

MAR. I don’t care! I shall follow my own usages, and I begin this morning by packing off my French master and my music master; and as for the dancing master, if he dares come here again and make my feet ache as he did yesterday, I’ll break his little fiddle over his head for him!

Enter a SERVANT at the back

SERV. Lord and Lady Plato.

SIR W. Good heavens! my uncle and his wife, his first visit since his marriage! Now, my dearest Margaret, if you have any regard for me – and I know you have, after your own fashion —

MAR. I like you very much when you don’t snub me.

SIR W. I never will again, if you will only be a little on your guard now. Speak as few words as possible, and take off that apron and those gardening gloves, and try to recollect the way of receiving visitors that I have so often taught you.

MAR. I’ll try.

SIR W. There’s a dear! and I’ll give you a kiss when they’re gone.

MAR. No, give it me now.

SIR W. (kissing her) There! (to SERVANT) I’ll attend his lordship immediately.

    Exit SERVANT and SIR WILLIAM.

MAR. Bless me! then I must titivate a little. (rings a bell) I’m to take off these gloves and this apron.

Enter a MAID, L.H.D

– Come here, Lucy – take these things, will you? (giving her the gloves and apron) Now my hair and my dress – do I look nice and proper to see gentlefolks? Oh! my shoes do pinch me so! There, that will do – now go.

    MARGERY stands very prim, L.H. – SIR WILLIAM ushers in LORD and LADY PLATO.

SIR W. My dear uncle, this is kind! I was afraid you would never honor me with a visit again. Lady Plato, I am delighted to know you. You can form no idea how gratified I am by the unexpected pleasure of seeing you.

PLATO. Just returned from a trip to the Highlands.

SIR W. I was fearful I had offended you, but this kindness assures me we are still friends.