A Rough Diamond

JOE. Then one word brought up another till I said something and then he said something, and then I said something, and then he took me by the collar of my coat and kicked me down stairs.

MAR. And served you just right.

JOE. Eh?

MAR. You had no business to be impudent to my husband, if you are my cousin. What did you say?

JOE. I didn’t say much, only he bothered me so that I up and called him —

MAR. What?

JOE. A d – d fool!

MAR. You did?

JOE. Yes; and why didn’t he come down and fight it out on the grass like a man? I’d ha’ soon ha’ ’molished him.

MAR. You would? and did you dare to call my husband names, and such a name? There, there, there, and there!

    She seizes him by the collar with her left hand, and thrashes him with her right, and finishes by knocking his hat over his eyes, as SIR WILLIAM and LORD and LADY PLATO appear at the back.

– (running to SIR WILLIAM) I’m so glad you’ve come, my dear – he won’t behave bad any more, I can promise – I’ve given him such a thrashing!

JOE. I won’t come here again, I know! I came to see my cousin that was once so fond o’ me, only to bid her good bye, and I haven’t been in the house more nor half-an-hour, and I’ve been kicked and thumped about by everybody. I shall go to my new place with, a black eye, I know.

SIR W. My dear Margery, there was no necessity for being so severe with your cousin, I had sufficiently corrected him, though I must confess that I have not witnessed this proof of the openness of your heart, and the striking simplicity of your nature, without a feeling of gratification.

Enter BLENHEIM, at the back

BLEN. Ah, Sir William! I am afraid I am a little over my time. I beg your pardon – I was not aware you had strangers.

SIR W. (confused) My uncle, and – and his wife. I thought you might be already acquainted.

PLATO. And so we are, now I look again – ’tis Captain Blenheim, the son of an old friend. Allow me to introduce you to Lady Plato, my dear – you will be charmed to make the lady’s acquaintance.

LADY P. (curtseying with gravity) I shall at all times be delighted at an introduction to any friend of my husband.

SIR W. (aside) I’m perfectly astonished!

MAR. (aside) I couldn’t make believe like that.

PLATO. (to SIR WILLIAM) You see, my dear nephew! you perceive what sweetness, what refined obedience. Ah! a thousand pities you did not make such a selection; but, as we say in the classics – “a fronte præcipitium a tergo lupus,” – I need say no more.

SIR W. (aside) Indeed you needn’t! I am perfectly satisfied with my unfortunate choice. What dissimulation! (aloud) Margaret, my dear, will you kiss me?

MAR. Oh, won’t I? There!

SIR W. And there! (embracing her) You don’t want to kiss cousin Joe now, I hope?

JOE. I wouldn’t let her if she did.

MAR. Bless his heart! I think no more of kissing him than I should my grandmother – but he must not forget himself.

SIR W. I forgive him; and, if agreeable, he may remain and dine with us.

MAR. There, Joe, you may stay and dine with us if you will.

JOE. Well, then, I will; and I’ll be revenged on his wittels, if I can’t on him – ha, ha!

SIR W. (to MARGERY) And you are happier in your homely attire?

MAR. Oh, much happier! if only because ’twas what I wore when you first loved me.

SIR W. And you will be much happier still if I leave you to follow the dictates of your own heart and feelings, without the direction of masters or of books?

MAR. Oh, that I shall! yet I will try my hardest to be as you would wish me, if you but let me try in my own way; and I am sure, in time, you will not be ashamed of me. Don’t give me masters, don’t give me books, but when you want me to learn, teach me yourself– a loving word and gentle patience, and all from you, will make us both happy, and me I hope sincere. (to Audience) And, what will be better still, let but the Rough Diamond be firmly set in your golden opinion, and she will be sufficiently polished to shine as long as you will permit her.

CURTAIN