Alec Milius Spy Series Books 1 and 2: A Spy By Nature, The Spanish Game

‘Why’s that?’

‘Let me put it like this. Sometimes I wake up and I think: is this it? Is this what I really want to do with my life? Is this the sum total of my efforts so far? I so much wanted to be a success at something. To be significant. And I still resent the Foreign Office for denying me that. It’s childish, but that’s how I feel.’

‘But you are a success, Alec,’ she says, and it sounds as if she really means it.

‘No, I mean a successful individual. I wanted to make my own mark on the world. MI6 would have given me that. Is that too idealistic?’

‘No,’ she says quietly, nodding her head in slow agreement. ‘It’s not too idealistic. You know, it’s funny. I look at you, and I think you have everything a guy your age could possibly want.’

‘It’s not enough.’

‘Why not?’

‘I want acclaim. I want to be acknowledged.’

‘That’s understandable. A lot of young, ambitious guys are just like you. But do you mind if I give you a piece of advice?’

‘Go ahead.’

After a brief pause, she says, ‘I think you should relax a little bit, try to enjoy being young. What do you say?’

Katharine edges towards me, lending a bending emphasis to the question. For the first time since she returned from the kitchen, we find ourselves looking each other directly in the eye. We hold the contact, drawing out a candid silence, and I tell myself: this is happening again. She is giving it another try. She is guiding us gradually towards the bliss of an infidelity. And I think of Fortner, asleep in Kiev, and feel no loyalty to him whatsoever.

‘Relax a little bit?’ I repeat, moving towards her.

‘Yes.’

‘And how do you suggest I do that?’

‘I dunno,’ she says, leaning back. ‘Get out a bit more. Try not to care so much about what other people think about you.’

In this split instant, I fear that I have read the situation wrongly. Her manner becomes suddenly curt, even distant, as if by flirting with her I have broken the spell between us, made it explicit.

‘Easier said than done.’

‘Why?’ she asks. ‘Why is that easier said than done?’

‘I find it so hard, Kathy. To relax.’

‘Oh, come on,’ she says, tossing her face up to the ceiling. She finds my cautiousness disappointing.

‘You’re right…’

‘You know I am. I know what’s best for you. What about Saul? Why don’t you go out with him more?’

‘With Saul? He’s always busy. Always got a new girlfriend on the go.’

‘Yes,’ she says quietly, standing and picking up the two empty glasses from the table.

‘Let me give you a hand with those.’

‘No no, that’s okay.’ As she moves towards the kitchen she is shaking her head. ‘You’re so serious, Alec. So serious. Always have been.’

I don’t reply. It is as if she is angry with me.

‘You want another drink?’ she calls out.

‘No, thanks. I’ve had one too many.’

‘Me too,’ she says, coming back in. ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’

‘Fine.’

‘Be here when I get back?’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

I had expected it. When she returns from the bathroom, Katharine is yawning, the elegant sinew and muscle on her neck stretched out in fine strands. She slumps down on the sofa and says, ‘Excuse me. Oh, I’m sorry. Must be tired.’

I take the cue. The hint is broad enough.

‘I should be going, Kathy. It’s late.’

‘No, don’t,’ she says, jerking up out of her seat with a suddenness that gives me new hope. ‘It’s so nice having you here. I’m just a little sleepy, that’s all.’

She rests her hand lightly on my leg. Why is she blowing so hot and cold?

‘That’s why I should be going. If you’re sleepy.’

‘Why don’t you stay the night? It’s Sunday tomorrow.’

‘No. You’ll want to be on your own.’

‘Not at all. I hate being alone. Strange noises. It would be nice if you slept over.’

‘You sure?’

‘Sure, I’m sure.’

‘Because that would be great if I could. I’d save the money on a taxi.’

‘Well there you go, then. It’s settled.’ She beams, lots of teeth. ‘It’ll be just me and you. You can look out for me. Be my protector.’

‘Well, if I’m going to do that, I should sleep on the sofa. See the burglars coming in.’

‘You won’t be all that comfortable.’

‘Well, where do you suggest I sleep?’