Fifty Ways to Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Unleashing your Erotic Desires

To this end, BDSM partners must be exceptionally tuned in to each other. The dominant must watch the submissive’s body language, listen to his or her moans and be aware of where he or she is in the arousal cycle. In this way, BDSM helps lovers become intimately connected and conscious of each other’s sexual experience and desires. Despite BDSM’s shady reputation, many couples find it a practice that is focused on sexual bonding as much as sexual bondage.

Specific ideas for delaying gratification, such as tickling (see #32 (#litres_trial_promo)), erotic torture (see #33 (#litres_trial_promo)) and so on, will be found throughout this book; however, these are a few general ideas:

Watch a favorite TV show in bed, limiting sexual activity such as kissing, fondling and even oral sex to the commercial breaks. Stop the moment the show comes back on.

Sleep in separate bedrooms for a night—not out of anger, but to increase arousal.

Agree in advance on how long to wait until orgasm. Two hours is not unreasonable, providing you have some ideas to pass the time. For example, thirty minutes of erotic massage and kissing, twenty minutes of oral sex, twenty minutes of full-body kissing, twenty minutes of sex toys and thirty minutes of intercourse, breaking when necessary to prolong the experience.

4. Behavioral Restraint & Mind Games (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

Perhaps you’ve heard it said that the mind is the largest sex organ. BDSM players know that to be true. Dominants will often use mental manipulation on submissives—the quintessential mind fuck—to exert control and build erotic anticipation. In fact, the power exchange between partners has to happen in the mind before it happens with the body. This brain game might involve the submissive asking the dominant’s permission to engage in non-sexual actions such as preparing a meal or making a phone call, whether such permission is required for a day or for longer. This strengthens the perception of a power imbalance and sets the stage for BDSM sexplay.

To bring a psychological dimension to BDSM sexplay and further exploit the control dynamics, the dominant may order the submissive to call him or her by a certain title (see #2 (#u1dc34cc7-f6ad-58d3-bfd2-e703812e9879)) or perform certain chores. This is a great time to have him fix that leaky faucet. The dominant may also make the naked, restrained and blindfolded submissive wait lengthy periods of time before sexplay starts—this increases the submissive’s sense of expectation and dread, and allows both partners to immerse themselves in their roles.

5. Bedroom Bondage & Restraint (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

Physical restraint is the trademark of BDSM. It can be achieved via a variety of bondage gear, including wrist and ankle restraints, collars, chains, ropes, arm binders, leg-spreader bars and suspension equipment (see #29 (#litres_trial_promo) and #34 (#litres_trial_promo)). These items bring intense visual impact to sexplay, as the dominant can bask in the novel sight of his or her partner in powerless and perhaps humiliating positions. At the same time, the submissive can savor the sense of being erotically exploited and sexually controlled. BDSM beginners may wish to invest in a bondage kit that comes with some of the basics, such as handcuffs, a whip or paddle and a blindfold.

An even better choice to begin your BDSM collection is to purchase a restraint system that discreetly fastens under the mattress. These usually come with adjustable straps and four restraints, for wrists and ankles. These systems accommodate a variety of restraint body positions, from spread-eagle to tightly bound limbs, which in turn allows for unlimited BDSM sexplay options. Under-the-bed restraint systems and “bedroom bondage kits” are available at larger or specialty sex shops, as well as many online sex shops.

To make a smart purchase, read a number of online user reviews before buying this or any sex toy or product. You should also check into the product’s composition and where it was manufactured. North American and European products are, generally speaking, made of the safest and highest quality materials. Online purchases often arrive more quickly than you might expect and are usually packaged discreetly.

If you don’t want to invest in a “professional” bedroom bondage system—or you’re too shy to face the knowing grin of a sex shop cashier—you can improvise a low-cost, under-the-bed restraint system as follows:

Purchase four lengths of cotton rope from a hardware store or home renovation center. If you have a king-sized bed, each length should be around eight feet long. Cotton rope is soft, flexible and least likely to cause severe rope burn, which is why ranchers usually use it for handling livestock. If it can hold a bucking bronco, it can hold a squirming submissive.

Secure the four ends of the rope together by tying them in a knot.

Remove the mattress from your bed and lay the rope on top of the bed frame with the knot square in the middle. Spread each length of rope to the four corners of the bed frame.

Replace the mattress.

Bring each of the four lengths of rope up over each corner of the mattress. The end of each rope can now be tied to the submissive’s wrists and ankles to secure him or her in the spread-eagle position.

This makeshift under-the-bed restraint system will do in a pinch; however, if you have the benefit of both a headboard and a footboard, it may be simpler to secure each length of rope to those to hold a submissive in the spread-eagle position.

6. Japanese Rope Bondage (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

While dominants can use anything from dungeon irons to the dog’s leash to bind a submissive, the fine art of Japanese rope bondage classes it up with the use of long, smooth ropes often made of hemp, jute or linen. These materials feel particularly good against bare skin. They are also very flexible and unlikely to cause rope burn; however, regular, higher-quality cotton rope will also work (see #5 (#uc8d98740-a133-5be3-b635-b3623de026d2)). The purpose of rope-bondage erotic art is multifold: restraint combined with erotic, intricate patterns that crisscross the submissive partner’s body to look as good as they feel.

Although it takes years of study and play to master this sexy art form, beginners can enjoy the basics by purchasing two lengths of high-quality rope. The first length should wind around the female submissive’s upper body, harnessing her breasts and restraining her arms to her sides or to a piece of furniture like the headboard or the arms of a chair. The second length should wind around her legs, either binding them closed or tying them open and fastening them to the footboard or the legs of a chair. Whether the submissive’s legs are bound closed or tied open depends on the type of sexual activity that is to follow.

As couples become more familiar with BDSM sexplay, they can begin to experiment with some of the more physically complicated and sensually dramatic bondage positions that can be achieved with rope (see #34 (#litres_trial_promo) and #35 (#litres_trial_promo)).

7. The Ottoman Empire (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

No bondage boudoir is complete without a thickly cushioned ottoman sitting with deceptive innocence at the foot of the bed. This versatile piece of furniture allows a couple to engage in many BDSM activities. It should be low and long enough for one partner to lie on with good stability, but still narrow enough for the other partner to straddle with relative ease and mobility.

The submissive partner, whether male or female, lies supine on the ottoman while the dominant binds him or her to it with rope. Elements of Japanese rope bondage can be incorporated, so that the rope wraps around the submissive’s body rather than simply tethering the wrists and ankles. The submissive’s arms should be at his or her sides. If the submissive is the male partner, his legs should be bound closed; if female, her legs should be slightly spread when bound to the ottoman to accommodate penetration.

With the submissive bound in this vulnerable position, the dominant straddles the ottoman to stand above his or her partner. In this position, the dominant can lower his or her body on top of the submissive’s mouth to enjoy oral sex and then slide down to use the submissive’s genitals for intercourse.

8. Suspended Sex (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

Suspension bondage is a form of BDSM where the dominant hangs the submissive in some type of suspension system or device and then performs sexual acts to his or her body while it is so restrained. This practice requires skill and the proper equipment, which can be costly, complicated and dangerous to the inexperienced; however, BDSM beginners who don’t want to invest in a fully furnished dungeon can replicate the thrill of suspension in the shower. One of the sexiest ways to restrain a submissive is to tie the hands high above the head, making the body totally vulnerable. Fastening the submissive’s hands to a secure shower rod can mimic this suspension-inspired position by stretching the body, limiting resistance, maximizing the sense of exploitation and exposing the highly sensitive stretches of skin along the torso.

With the submissive in this position, the dominant can perform erotic torture (see #33 (#litres_trial_promo)) at leisure, using either his or her hands, mouth or a sex toy. For example, a female dominant may fellate her submissive just enough to keep him in sexual agony, while a male dominant may penetrate his submissive in the standing position, sometimes with his penis and sometimes with a vibrator. They may move into the shower to enjoy aqua sex afterward. A silicone-based personal lubricant is recommended to facilitate intercourse in the water.

Door jam cuffs offer another easy, economical way to restrain a submissive with his or her hands over the head. They are comprised of wrist restraints that attach to weighted straps, which drape over the top of a door and are secured by closing it. This is a discreet, must-have bondage item that facilitates many BDSM activities.

9. Hold Me Down (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

Not all sexual restraint games require bondage equipment to play. Sometimes, the weight of a partner’s body is just as arousing. This is especially true for female submissives who enjoy being held down and “taken” by their male dominant. This allows both partners to indulge in force fantasies.

Although very taboo, consensual force fantasies are a popular element of many couples’ sex lives, both in the mainstream and BDSM community. This type of erotic escapism allows male dominants to “let go” and indulge their more primal, basic desires while simultaneously allowing female submissives to enjoy their partner’s brute strength and sexuality. The female submissive can also enjoy guilt-free sex. Because she cannot resist, she has no option but to be used as a sexual object and experience sexual feelings.

BDSM force fantasies run the gamut from lukewarm to scalding. Beginners may wish to focus on basic bodily restraint. For example, the male dominant may hold his submissive in position by her hair during penetration. He may also push her body against a wall or lean her over a dresser as he has his way with her: if this is your game plan, make sure there are no religious icons or photos of your mother-in-law on the dresser. Talk about mood breakers. A male submissive may imagine that he has ingested a drug that has temporarily rendered him paralyzed and unable to resist his female dominant’s unwanted sexual advances. The poor boy.

10. Sex & Sensory Deprivation (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

It’s hard science: when a person loses one of his or her senses, the other senses are enhanced. Sight is perhaps the easiest sense to restrict during sex, and blindfolds are a must in any BDSM bedside drawer. A female dominant may want to use a silk stocking to cover her male submissive’s eyes, perhaps spritzing it with perfume to tantalize his nearby nostrils. Male dominants may want to use a necktie—a sexily masculine choice—laced with a drop of cologne.

Sensory deprivation scenes are popular in BDSM sexplay. Muzzles, mouth gags and hoods, some with open mouths and some with zippered or closed mouths, are often used to restrict the speech, sight and hearing of the submissive partner. For mainstream or beginning BDSM players who find full leather hoods too intimidating, a satisfactory degree of sensory deprivation can often be achieved by simply placing the bedcovers over the submissive’s face. This creates a novel sense of anonymity and anticipation for both partners.

11. Pain & Pleasure (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

The classic BDSM cocktail is a spicy blend of pain and pleasure. Typically, the dominant partner is aroused by sadism, or the act of inflicting pain on another. The submissive is aroused by feeling pain, a quality of masochism. In good BDSM, there is a perfect balance of giving and receiving pain within the context of sexual activity. In so doing, the physical and mental sensations of sex are maximized. The body is exploding with intense feeling and the mind is reeling from the power imbalance between dominant and submissive. Lovers who wish to incorporate elements of pain and pleasure into their sex lives must discuss their desires and limits, as well as any safety concerns or precautions, in advance (see #2 (#u1dc34cc7-f6ad-58d3-bfd2-e703812e9879)).

12. Erotic Spanking (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

Spanking is a common practice that combines pain and pleasure, or sadism and masochism, while also amplifying the control dynamics between BDSM players. The dominant can spank the submissive in a number of positions: bent over the dominant’s knee or a piece of furniture, lying prone, twisting from the supine position, crouching on all fours or standing. Restraint with BDSM bondage gear enhances sexual exploitation and excitement.

Spanking intensifies sexual pleasure by increasing blood flow to the buttocks and genital region. It creates a sexual “burn” that heightens genital stimulation and spikes arousal. Although nothing more than an open, bare hand is needed to spank, special spanking instruments bring extra sensation and novelty to the experience. Impression slappers leave a symbol or word on the submissive’s buttocks, while thin “devil’s tail” slappers result in a sharp sting. Flatter paddles, made of leather or suede, have great versatility and cover more surface area.

Makeshift spanking instruments can be found in your kitchen drawers, too. Spatulas, whisks, egg turners and wooden spoons all work. If you’re too shy to browse the spanking aisle at a sex shop, you can guiltlessly wander the aisles at a kitchen shop and choose a selection of “toys.” Kitchen utensils like spatulas and egg turners come in a variety of shapes, sizes and materials, from plastic to metal, and each will create a different spanking sensation. You can also swipe a rubber-lined paddle off the tennis table in your rec room.

During erotic spanking, the dominant should alternate the force of blows—sometimes hard, sometimes soft—to keep the submissive in a state of uncertain expectation. The dominant should also interrupt spanking strokes to gently caress the submissive’s buttocks. This quickly changes the erotic mood from rough punishment to tender love—precisely the type of mind game that BDSM partners love to play.

13. Flogging Instruments (#u15651c2d-541e-5183-abf0-c20ecfba9830)

While paddles and slappers are designed for spanking the buttocks, flogging instruments like whips and canes can add impact to other areas of the body. Leather or suede whips allow for a softer touch, while rubber whips are better at creating the hot, stinging sensation that many BDSM players crave. Whips with multiple tassels are best, as these can deliver the greatest range of stimulation. Canes may be made of bamboo, rattan, plastic or even stainless steel and provide the sharpest, most focused impact.

Again, low-cost everyday items can also be used as flogging instruments. You can start by browsing the floral aisle at a craft shop where you will find a large variety of wheat stalks and other bunches of dried grasses typically used to create home decorations. Different types of plant material—from wild grass to palm—will produce different flogging sensations, and this type of discovery is half the fun.

Submissives should be restrained during flogging. Because whips are designed for whole-body sensation play, a dominant should blindfold his or her submissive before starting. The dominant can lightly drag the tassels of a whip down the submissive’s chest, tantalizing the nipples and grazing the genitals before moving down the legs, leaving a trail of goose bumps. This exquisitely subtle but body-racking sensation can be peppered with harder strikes of the whip on the submissive’s torso or limbs. If the submissive’s legs are spread apart, the dominant can slap his or her genitals, gently and then with as much force as the submissive wants, with the whip’s tassels.