Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits

Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits
Dr. Robin Berman

With so many parenting styles to choose from, when it comes to giving your child the best start in life it can be difficult to know which way to turn. Psychiatrist and mother Robin Burman’s brilliant new book shows you the way: Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later is the definitive guide to helping your child grow with both love and discipline.Whilst in years gone by children were seen and not heard, too often nowadays their every whim and tantrum is pandered to. As much as the former is unthinkable, the latter can also be damaging to a child’s later life: over praised children allowed to set their own limits often become anxious and are unable to deal with the negative emotions they will eventually encounter.Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later finds the perfect balance between the outdated old and the unfortunate new. Through helpful guidance based on Robin’s extensive experience as both a certified psychiatrist and mother, it will teach you to be comfortable setting boundaries whilst maintaining a loving connection; fostering confidence, respect and emotional maturity in your child as a result.Packed with practical advice alongside plenty of sympathetic anecdotes, Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later is the warm, relatable guide to parenting which you can come back to again and again.Robin Berman, MD, is a psychiatrist; associate professor at UCLA; and a founding board member of the UCLA Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital.

Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later is rich with wisdom, and it is filled with laughter and heart-warming moments that any parent can recognize. This book is a powerful inspiration to rise to the challenge of being the best parent possible, and it gives gentle guidance for getting there. Robin Berman has written the how-to for being the parent we all wish to be.”

MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, New York Times bestselling author of A Return to Love

“Robin Berman shares how parents can look deep within, so that they can keep their own childhood drama in check and lead from a position of strength, wisdom, and love. All parents will find themselves in the pages of Dr. Berman’s book.”

DR. CATHERINE BIRNDORF, Mental Health columnist for Self Magazine and author of The Nine Rooms of Happiness

“Dr. Berman’s exceptional book is a gift to parents who long to raise their children in a wise, heart-centred way by discovering and cultivating the uniqueness of each child’s individual spirit.”

MICHAEL BERNARD BECKWITH, author of Life Visioning

“Dr. Berman brilliantly and compassionately serves from the heart when guiding parents to do the most important work of their lives. She and this book are gifts to you and your family today and for generations to come.”

JAMES ROUSE, naturopathic doctor, author and TV personality on Optimum Wellness

“Dr. Berman’s thoughtful book sheds light on how to establish a trusting, loving and nurturing relationship with one’s children, so that they will develop confidence, inner peace, and be ever ready to meet life’s challenges.”

VIVIEN K. BURT, Director of The Women’s Life Centre at the Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA

To my wonderful husband, whose support for this book and support in my life are immeasurable.

To my beloved children, who raise me up.

My heart overflows with love for all of you.

Contents

Cover (#ub6585df0-53e9-5ea1-81c4-242dc2aab97e)

Title Page (#uf558c857-23a6-57c6-aefa-f5f58df1bd06)

Praise (#u4de4f4dd-92fa-567a-b23f-8a9528904617)

Dedication (#u53df261e-d414-5443-935d-3de68268fc4f)

Introduction

Chapter One Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later (#ulink_5e6a9238-8122-51d8-854c-ae48653c90e0)

Chapter Two The Strength of the Bond (#ulink_137bc76e-be74-54af-8884-6ddfa4304756)

Chapter Three Look, No Hands! (#ulink_fe14112e-7576-56c9-8317-392e641d9a30)

Chapter Four Being an Emotional Grown-up (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Five Trash the Trash Talk (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Six Prada Kids (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Seven Moderating Media (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Eight Life Is Remembered in the Pauses (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Nine Love’s Lasting Legacy (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Ten Out of the Mouths of Babes (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

Introduction (#ufa372afb-02e9-5493-806f-6d4c4f210bfe)

Many people spend their whole lives yearning for the loving, nurturing parents they never had. As a psychiatrist, I often feel sad when patients tearfully retell stories of what went wrong in their childhood and how deeply those moments still affect their lives. So many times I wish I could wave a magic wand, go back in time, and change those moments—before their impact becomes incorporated into who people are, how they see themselves, and how they relate to the world.

I would love this book to be your magic wand—a tool you can use to become the mother or father your children yearn for.

I love children. I always have. I babysat, was a camp counselor, was a substitute teacher, and I went to medical school to become a pediatrician or a child psychiatrist. But when I realized that healthy kids generally come from healthy parents, that’s when I found my calling.

If we pay more attention to the way we parent, we can save our children so much future pain. Think of how you would have been spared if your parents were more conscious and sensitive to your needs. That is my sole intention for writing this book, to inspire parents to be their best selves, so they can be the best parents possible. I believe in preventive medicine. This book is about preventive parenting. It is my deepest wish that, in writing this, I can help someone to have a more meaningful and loving relationship with their child.

I was never a fan of old-school parenting, when children were seen and not heard, punishment was swift and corporal, hitting was the norm, and fear and shame were ways of controlling kids’ behavior. Trust me, I hear stories daily of adults who were scared of their parents or fed a diet of shame. I can promise you that this is not the recipe for self-esteem.

Then this generation of children who felt neglected grew up and wanted to be more attentive than their parents had been. These new parents began to read books, go to lectures, and adopt new philosophies. Many were focused on how to foster self-esteem in their children.

I love that instinct. But, as in a game of telephone, how to actually do that got lost in translation.

Somehow children went from being seen and not heard to being the center of the universe. The whole family hierarchy collapsed, leaving children in charge, bossing their parents around. Somehow giving children self-esteem was construed to mean giving them a trophy for showing up, hovering over their every move, pouring on excessive praise, and never saying no, for fear of hurting their feelings.

In trying to constantly please our children and make them happy, we have done just the opposite. This pendulum swing has created a whole new breed of entitled, fragile kids.

The self-esteem movement backfired out of a giant misunderstanding of how real self-esteem is attained. Parents have focused too much on résumés over learning, competition over connection.

In this fast-paced culture, we have lost our perspective, our equilibrium, our internal peace. It is very difficult to offer something to our children that we ourselves don’t have. The pendulum has swung too far. Children went from being neglected to being hypermanaged, while kids’ real, deeper needs still remain unmet. Out of the best of intentions, we have left children too vulnerable to stress. Rates of anxiety, depression, drug use, and suicide in kids continue to rise. And I feel called to help.

Isn’t there a graceful place in the middle of these parenting extremes? A hybrid approach in which we thoughtfully reflect upon what we should keep from our parents’ methods, what we can learn from recent parenting trends, and what no longer serves us?

• For instance, parenting in the past was all about respecting parents; today it has become all about respecting children. How about we try mutual respect?

• Kids used to be scared of their parents; now parents are being emotionally bullied by their kids. How about setting loving limits, with you squarely at the helm?