The Tatler (Vol 4)

My lodging it is on the cold ground,[82 - The first line in a song in a tragi-comedy, "The Rivals" (1668), attributed to Sir William Davenant. Mrs. Mary Davis, dancer and actress, who boarded with Sir William Davenant in his house, is stated to have sung this song in the character of Celania, a shepherdess mad for love, so much to the liking of Charles II. that he took her off the stage. Mary Tudor, their daughter, married Francis Lord Ratcliffe, afterwards Earl of Derwentwater, and was the mother of James, Earl of Derwentwater, beheaded in 1716.]

we are not to understand them in the rigour of the letter, since it would be impossible for a British swain to condole himself long in that situation without really dying for his mistress. A man might as well serenade in Greenland as in our region. Milton seems to have had in his thoughts the absurdity of these Northern serenades in the censure which he passes upon them:

– Or midnight ball,
Or serenade, which the starved lover sings
To his proud fair, best quitted with disdain.[83 - "Paradise Lost," iv. 760 (cf. Nos. 79 and 82).]

The truth of it is, I have often pitied, in a winter night, a vocal musician, and have attributed many of his trills and quavers to the coldness of the weather.

The second circumstance which inclined the Italians to this custom, was that musical genius which is so universal among them. Nothing is more frequent in that country than to hear a cobbler working to an opera tune. You can scarce see a porter that has not one nail much longer than the rest, which you will find, upon inquiry, is cherished for some instrument. In short, there is not a labourer, or handicraft-man, that in the cool of the evening does not relieve himself with solos and sonatas.

The Italian soothes his mistress with a plaintive voice, and bewails himself in such melting music that the whole neighbourhood sympathises with him in his sorrow:

Qualis populea mœrens Philomela sub umbra …
Flet noctem, ramoque sedens miserabile carmen
Integrat, et mœstis late loca questibus implet.[84 - Virgil, "Georgics," iv. 511, 514-15.]

On the contrary, our honest countrymen have so little an inclination to music, that they seldom begin to sing till they are drunk, which also is usually the time when they are most disposed to serenade.

No. 223. [? Steele.[85 - Steele (or Addison) edited this paper, but the real author was their friend Edward Wortley Montagu, to whom the second volume of the Tatler was dedicated. Mr. Moy Thomas says that Addison and Steele "were in the habit of asking him for hints and heads for papers; and there are among the Wortley Manuscripts original sketches of essays which may be found in the Tatler." This essay on marriage settlements "was entirely founded on Mr. Wortley's notes, and is frequently in his own words." He quarrelled with his future father-in-law because he objected to settle his property upon a future son, and he eloped with Lady Mary Pierrepont in August 1712. In a letter to Addison which accompanied the "loose hints" for this number, he says, "What made me think so much of it was a discourse with Sir P. King, who says that a man that settles his estate does not know that two and two make four" ("Letters of Lady M. W. Montagu," ed. Moy Thomas, i. 5, 10, 62). No doubt Wortley Montagu's notes furnished the materials for No. 199, and perhaps for No. 198 also.]

From Saturday, Sept. 9, to Tuesday, Sept. 12, 1710

For when upon their ungot heirs,
Th' entail themselves and all that's theirs,
What blinder bargain e'er was driven,
Or wager laid at six and seven,
To pass themselves away, and turn
Their children's tenants ere they're born?

    – Hudibras.

From my own Apartment, Sept. 11

I have been very much solicited by Clarinda, Flavia, and Lysetta, to reassume my discourse concerning the methods of disposing honourably the unmarried part of the world,[86 - See No. 199.] and taking off those bars to it, jointures and settlements, which are not only the greatest impediments towards entering into that state, but also the frequent causes of distrust and animosity in it after it is consummated. I have with very much attention considered the case; and among all the observations that I have made through a long course of years, I have thought the coldness of wives to their husbands, as well as disrespect from children to parents, to arise from this one source. This trade for minds and bodies in the lump, without regard to either, but as they are accompanied with such sums of money, and such parcels of land, cannot but produce a commerce between the parties concerned suitable to the mean motives upon which they at first came together. I have heretofore given an account that this method of making settlements was first invented by a griping lawyer, who made use of the covetous tempers of the parents of each side to force two young people into these vile measures of diffidence, for no other end but to increase the skins of parchment, by which they were put into each other's possession out of each other's power. The law of our country has given an ample and generous provision for the wife, even the third of the husband's estate, and left to her good-humour and his gratitude the expectation of further provision; but the fantastical method of going further, with relation to their heirs, has a foundation in nothing but pride and folly: for as all men wish their children as like themselves, and as much better as they can possibly, it seems monstrous that we should give out of ourselves the opportunities of rewarding and discouraging them according to their deserts. This wise institution has no more sense in it than if a man should begin a deed with, "Whereas no man living knows how long he shall continue to be a reasonable creature, or an honest man: and whereas I B. am going to enter in the state of matrimony with Mrs. D., therefore I shall from henceforth make it indifferent to me whether from this time forward I shall be a fool or a knave: and therefore in full and perfect health of body, and as sound mind, not knowing which of my children will prove better or worse, I give to my first-born, be he perverse, ungrateful, impious, or cruel, the lump and bulk of my estate, and leave one year's purchase only to each of my younger children, whether they shall be brave or beautiful, modest or honourable, from the time of the date hereof wherein I resign my senses, and hereby promise to employ my judgment no further in the distribution of my worldly goods from the day of the date hereof, hereby further confessing and covenanting, that I am from henceforth married and dead in law."

There is no man that is conversant in modern settlements, but knows this is an exact translation of what is inserted in these instruments. Men's passions could only make them submit to such terms; and therefore all unreasonable bargains in marriage ought to be set aside, as well as deeds extorted from men under force or in prison, who are altogether as much masters of their actions as he that is possessed with a violent passion.

How strangely men are sometimes partial to themselves appears by the rapine of him that has a daughter's beauty under his direction. He will make no scruple of using it to force from her lover as much of his estate as is worth £10,000, and at the same time, as a Justice on the Bench, will spare no pains to get a man hanged that has taken but a horse from him.

It is to be hoped the Legislature will in due time take this kind of robbery into consideration, and not suffer men to prey upon each other when they are about making the most solemn league, and entering into the strictest bonds. The only sure remedy is to fix a certain rate on every woman's fortune; one price for that of a maid, and another for a widow: for it is of infinite advantage, that there should be no frauds or uncertainties in the sale of our women.

If any man should exceed the settled rate, he ought to be at liberty after seven years are over (by which time his love may be supposed to abate a little, if it is not founded upon reason) to renounce the bargain, and be freed from the settlement upon restoring the portion; as a youth married under fourteen years old may be off if he pleases when he comes to that age, and as a man is discharged from all bargains but that of marriage made when he is under twenty-one.

It grieves me when I consider, that these restraints upon matrimony take away the advantage we should otherwise have over other countries, which are sunk much by those great checks upon propagation, the convents. It is thought chiefly owing to these that Italy and Spain want above half their complement of people. Were the price of wives always fixed and settled, it would contribute to filling the nation more than all the encouragements that can possibly be given to foreigners to transplant themselves hither.

I therefore, as censor of Britain, till a law is made, will lay down rules which shall be observed with penalty of degrading all that break them into Pretty Fellows, Smarts, Squibs, Hunting-Horns, Drums, and Bagpipes.

The females that are guilty of breaking my orders I shall respectively pronounce to be Kits, Hornpipes, Dulcimers, and Kettle-drums. Such widows as wear the spoils of one husband I will bury if they attempt to rob another.

I ordain, that no woman ever demand one shilling to be paid after her husband's death, more than the very sum she brings him, or an equivalent for it in land.

That no settlement be made, in which the man settles on his children more than the reversion of the jointure, or the value of it in money; so that at his death he may in the whole be bound to pay his family but double to what he has received. I would have the eldest, as well as the rest, have his provision out of this.

When men are not able to come up to those settlements I have proposed, I would have them receive so much of the portion only as they can come up to, and the rest to go to the woman by way of pin-money, or separate maintenance. In this, I think, I determined equally between the two sexes.

If any lawyer varies from these rules, or is above two days in drawing a marriage settlement, or uses more words in it than one skin of parchment will contain, or takes above five pounds for drawing it, I would have him thrown over the bar.

Were these rules observed, a woman with a small fortune, and a great deal of worth, would be sure to marry according to her deserts, if the man's estate were to be less encumbered in proportion as her fortune is less than he might have with others.

A man of a great deal of merit, and not much estate, might be chosen for his worth; because it would not be difficult for him to make a settlement.

The man that loves a woman best, would not lose her for not being able to bid so much as another, or for not complying with an extravagant demand.

A fine woman would no more be set up to auction as she is now. When a man puts in for her, her friends or herself take care to publish it; and the man that was the first bidder is made no other use of but to raise the price. He that loves her, will continue in waiting as long as she pleases (if her fortune be thought equal to his), and under pretence of some failure in the rent-roll, or difficulties in drawing the settlement, he is put off till a better bargain is made with another.

All the rest of the sex that are not rich or beautiful to the highest degree are plainly gainers, and would be married so fast, that the least charming of them would soon grow beauties to the bachelors.

Widows might be easily married, if they would not, as they do now, set up for discreet, only by being mercenary.

The making matrimony cheap and easy, would be the greatest discouragement to vice: the limiting the expense of children would not make men ill inclined, or afraid of having them in a regular way; and the men of merit would not live unmarried, as they often do now, because the goodness of a wife cannot be insured to them; but the loss of an estate is certain, and a man would never have the affliction of a worthless heir added to that of a bad wife.

I am the more serious, large, and particular on this subject, because my Lucubrations designed for the encouragement of virtue cannot have the desired success as long as this encumbrance of settlements continues upon matrimony.

No. 224. [Addison.

From Tuesday, Sept. 12, to Thursday, Sept. 14, 1710

Materiam superabat opus. – Ovid, Met. ii. 5.

From my own Apartment, Sept. 13

It is my custom, in a dearth of news, to entertain myself with those collections of advertisements that appear at the end of all our public prints.[87 - Addison wrote again on advertisements, in the Spectator (No. 547).] These I consider as accounts of news from the little world, in the same manner that the foregoing parts of the paper are from the great. If in one we hear that a sovereign prince is fled from his capital city, in the other we hear of a tradesman who hath shut up his shop, and run away. If in one we find the victory of a general, in the other we see the desertion of a private soldier. I must confess, I have a certain weakness in my temper that is often very much affected by these little domestic occurrences, and have frequently been caught with tears in my eyes over a melancholy advertisement.

But to consider this subject in its most ridiculous lights, advertisements are of great use to the vulgar: first of all, as they are instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a plenipotentiary, or a running-footman with an ambassador. An advertisement from Piccadilly[88 - "At the Golden Cupid, in Piccadilly, lives the widow Varick, who is leaving off her trade, hath some statues and boys, and a considerable parcel of flower-pots and vases second-hand, to be sold a great pennyworth" (Post-Man, September 16-19, 1710).] goes down to posterity with an article from Madrid; and John Bartlet[89 - Bartlet, "at the Golden Ball, by the Ship Tavern, in Prescot Street, in Goodman's Fields," advertised inventions for the cure of ruptures; "also divers instruments to help the weak and crooked." "His mother, the wife of the late Mr. Christopher Bartlet, lives at the place above mentioned, who is very skilful in the business to those of her own sex" (Tatler, No. 70). There was also an S. Bartlet, at the Naked Boy, in Dean Street, Red Lion Square, who carried on a similar business (Post-Man, September 2-5, 1710).] of Goodman's Fields is celebrated in the same paper with the Emperor of Germany. Thus the fable tells us, that the wren mounted as high as the eagle, by getting upon his back.

A second use which this sort of writings have been turned to of late years, has been the management of controversy, insomuch that above half the advertisements one meets with nowadays are purely polemical. The inventors of Strops for Razors[90 - "The so much-famed strops for setting razors, &c., are only to be had at Jacob's Coffee-house, in Threadneedle Street, with directions. Price 1s. each. Beware of counterfeits, for such are abroad. The trues ones, which deservedly have gained so much commendation, are only to be had as above. Golden snuff still to be had there, 6d. per paper" (Post-Man, March 23, 1703). Steele alluded twice to the author of "strops for razors" in the Spectator (Nos. 428 and 509). In No. 423 of the Spectator there was an advertisement of "the famous original Venetian strops." Swift, referring to rival imitations of the Tatler published in January 1711, says, "So there must be disputes which are genuine, like the strops for razors."] have written against one another this way for several years, and that with great bitterness; as the whole argument pro and con in the case of the Morning-gowns[91 - "Morning gowns of men and women, of silks, stuffs, and calicoes (being the goods of persons that failed), which were to be disposed of at the Olive Tree and Still, are now to be sold at the Golden Sugar Loaf, up one pair of stairs, over against the Horse, at Charing Cross; with a fresh parcel at very low rates, the price being set on each gown" (Tatler, No. 222). A similar advertisement from "the Black Lion, over against Foster Lane, Cheapside" (Examiner, December 7-14, 1710).] is still carried on after the same manner. I need not mention the several proprietors of Dr. Anderson's pills;[92 - See No. 9. "The Scots Pills first made by Dr. Patrick Anderson, of the kingdom of Scotland, I John Gray do most faithfully and truly prepare, according to the doctor's method in his lifetime, and sell them as he sold them, that is, 5s. the whole box, 2s. 6d. the half box, 15d. the quarter box. Take notice, my pill has not that griping quality that is in the pill of a perpetual vain-boaster, whose pretended authority can never better the doctor's receipt who first invented them; the true knowledge whereof is in myself, as by my receipt, and further testimony of many famous doctors in this kingdom, it most plainly appears… These pills are sold at my house, the Golden Head, between the Little Turnstile and the Bull Inn, in High Holborn. Signed, John Gray"(Post-Boy, January 3, 1699). "Dr. Anderson's, or the famous Scots Pills, are (by his Majesty's authority) faithfully prepared only by J. Inglish, now living at the Golden Unicorn, over against the Maypole, in the Strand; and to prevent counterfeits from Scotland, as well as in and about London, you are desired to take notice, that the true pills have their boxes sealed on the top (in black wax), with a lion rampant and three mullets argent; Dr. Anderson's head betwixt J. J., with his name round it, and Isabella Inglish underneath it in a scroll" (Post-Man, January 9, 1700). "The right Scotch Pills, made by the heirs of Dr. Anderson in Scotland, are to be had of Mrs. Man, at Old Man's Coffee-house, Charing Cross" (Post-Man, October 23, 1703).] nor take notice of the many satirical works of this nature so frequently published by Dr. Clark,[93 - Dr. Clark, "sworn physician and oculist to King Charles and King James II.," advertised that his "ophthalmic secret" could be had from his house in Old Southampton Buildings, Holborn (Post-Man, August 24-26, 1710).] who has had the confidence to advertise upon that learned knight, my very worthy friend, Sir William Read.[94 - See No. 9.] But I shall not interpose in their quarrel; Sir William can give him his own in advertisements, that, in the judgment of the impartial, are as well penned as the doctor's.

The third and last use of these writings is, to inform the world where they may be furnished with almost everything that is necessary for life. If a man has pains in his head, colics in his bowels, or spots in his clothes, he may here meet with proper cures and remedies. If a man would recover a wife or a horse that is stolen or strayed; if he wants new sermons, electuaries,[95 - "A noble electuary, which … makes the heart merry, restores, strengthens, and adds life, courage, and vigour to either men or women, to a miracle… Is to be had only at Mr. Spooner's, at the Golden Half Moon, in Lemon Street, in Goodman's Fields, at 5s. a pot, with directions" (Daily Courant, September 15, 1710).] ass's milk,[96 - "Ass's milk to be had at Richard Stout's, at the sign of the Ass, at Knightsbridge, for three shillings and sixpence per quart; the ass to be brought to the buyer's door" (Post-Boy, December 6, 1711).] or anything else, either for his body or his mind, this is the place to look for them in.

The great art in writing advertisements, is the finding out a proper method to catch the reader's eye; without which, a good thing may pass over unobserved, or be lost among commissions of bankrupt. Asterisks and hands were formerly of great use for this purpose. Of late years, the N.B. has been much in fashion; as also little cuts and figures, the invention of which we must ascribe to the author of Spring Trusses. I must not here omit the blind Italian character, which being scarce legible, always fixes and detains the eye, and gives the curious reader something like the satisfaction of prying into a secret.

But the great skill in an advertiser is chiefly seen in the style which he makes use of. He is to mention the universal esteem, or general reputation, of things that were never heard of. If he is a physician or astrologer, he must change his lodgings frequently, and (though he never saw anybody in them besides his own family) give public notice of it, for the information of the nobility and gentry. Since I am thus usefully employed in writing criticisms on the works of these diminutive authors, I must not pass over in silence an advertisement which has lately made its appearance, and is written altogether in a Ciceronian manner. It was sent to me, with five shillings, to be inserted among my advertisements; but as it is a pattern of good writing in this way, I shall give it a place in the body of my paper:

"The highest compounded spirit of lavender, the most glorious (if the expression may be used) enlivening scent and flavour that can possibly be, which so raptures the spirits, delights the gust, and gives such airs to the countenance, as are not to be imagined but by those that have tried it. The meanest sort of the thing is admired by most gentlemen and ladies; but this far more, as by far it exceeds it, to the gaining among all a more than common esteem. It is sold (in neat flint bottles fit for the pocket) only at the Golden Key, in Warton's Court, near Holborn Bars, for 3s. 6d. with directions."

At the same time that I recommend the several flowers in which this spirit of lavender is wrapped up (if the expression may be used), I cannot excuse my fellow-labourers for admitting into their papers several uncleanly advertisements, not at all proper to appear in the works of polite writers. Among these I must reckon the Carminative Wind-expelling Pills.[97 - This and other similar advertisements appeared in the Daily Courant for September 6, 1710.] If the doctor had called them only his carminative pills, he had been as cleanly as one could have wished; but the second word entirely destroys the decency of the first. There are other absurdities of this nature so very gross, that I dare not mention them; and shall therefore dismiss this subject, with a public admonition to Michael Parrot,[98 - "Whereas I, Michael Parrot, have had brought away a worm of sixteen feet long, by taking the medicines of J. Moore, apothecary, in Abchurch Lane, London; witness my hand, Michael Parrot. Witness, Anth. Spyer" (Post-Boy, April 27-29, 1710).] that he do not presume any more to mention a certain worm he knows of, which, by the way, has grown seven foot in my memory; for, if I am not much mistaken, it is the same that was but nine foot long about six months ago.

By the remarks I have here made, it plainly appears, that a collection of advertisements is a kind of miscellany; the writers of which, contrary to all authors, except men of quality, give money to the booksellers who publish their copies. The genius of the bookseller is chiefly shown in his method of ranging and digesting these little tracts. The last paper I took up in my hands, places them in the following order: