The Tatler (Vol 4)

    Hor., 1 Sat. iv. 141.

From my own Apartment, Sept. 22

A man of business who makes a public entertainment, may sometimes leave his guests, and beg them to divert themselves as well as they can till his return. I shall here make use of the same privilege (being engaged in matters of some importance relating to the family of the Bickerstaffs), and must desire my readers to entertain one another till I can have leisure to attend them. I have therefore furnished out this paper, as I have done some few others, with letters of my ingenious correspondents, which I have reason to believe will please the public as much as my own more elaborate lucubrations.

    Lincoln, Sept. 9.

"Sir,

"I have long been of the number of your admirers, and take this opportunity of telling you so. I know not why a man so famed for astrological observations may not be also a good casuist, upon which presumption 'tis I ask your advice in an affair that at present puzzles quite that slender stock of divinity I am master of. I have now been some time in holy orders, and fellow of a certain college in one of the universities; but weary of that inactive life, I resolve to be doing good in my generation. A worthy gentleman has lately offered me a fat rectory, but means, I perceive, his kinswoman should have the benefit of the clergy. I am a novice in the world, and confess, it startles me how the body of Mrs. Abigail can be annexed to cure of souls. Sir, would you give us in one of your Tatlers the original and progress of smock-simony, and show us, that where the laws are silent, men's consciences ought to be so too; you could not more oblige our fraternity of young divines, and among the rest,

    "Your humble Servant,
    "High Church."

I am very proud of having a gentleman of this name for my admirer, and may some time or other write such a treatise as he mentions. In the meantime I do not see why our clergy, who are very frequently men of good families, should be reproached if any of them chance to espouse a handmaid with a rectory in commendam, since the best of our peers have often joined themselves to the daughters of very ordinary tradesmen upon the same valuable considerations.

    "Globe in Moorfields,Sept. 16.

"Honoured Son,

"I have now finished my almanac for the next year, in all the parts of it except that which concerns the weather; and you having shown yourself, by some of your late works,[112 - Nos. 214 and 220.] more weather-wise than any of our modern astrologers, I most humbly presume to trouble you upon this head. You know very well, that in our ordinary almanacs, the wind and rain, snow and hail, clouds and sunshine, have their proper seasons, and come up as regularly in their several months as the fruits and plants of the earth.[113 - "Next Tuesday morning will be published the account of the alterations of wind and weather, by the discoveries of the portable barometer; from what quarter the wind will blow, clouds or rain, wind and weather, clear and cloudy, wet and dry, come every day and night for the month of October, all over England, and also when the quicksilver weather-glasses will rise in wet, and sink in fair weather, and rise and sink without any alteration at all. Whereas there was a false impression of the last month, to the great damage of the author, who has been at vast charge and expense to being so useful an invention to perfection, and to prevent the like for the future, it is hoped that those ingenious persons who are lovers of so useful a discovery will not encourage the false one, the true one being only to be had at W. Hawes, at the Rose in Ludgate Street, and A. Baldwin in Warwick Lane, where they shall be sent to any gentleman, if desired, monthly" (Post-Man, September 26, 1700). These "barometer papers" are ridiculed in The Infallible Astrologer, a paper published in 1700.] As for my own part, I freely own to you that I generally steal my weather out of some antiquated almanac that foretold it several years ago. Now, sir, what I humbly beg of you is, that you would lend me your State weather-glass, in order to fill up this vacant column in my works. This, I know, would sell my almanac beyond any other, and make me a richer man than Poor Robin.[114 - This almanac was first published in 1663. The title of it was assumed in ridicule of Dr. Robert Pory, a pluralist of the last century, who, amongst other preferments (such as the archdeaconry of Middlesex, a residentiaryship of St. Paul's, &c.), enjoyed the rectory of Lambeth. Pory died in 1669, and "Poor Robin's Almanac" professed to bear his imprimatur (see Wood's "Fasti," Part II., col. 267).] If you will not grant me this favour, I must have recourse to my old method, and will copy after an almanac which I have by me, and which I think was made for the year when the great storm was. I am,

    "Sir,
    "The most humble of
    "Your Admirers,
    "T. Philomath."

This gentleman does not consider, what a strange appearance his almanac would make to the ignorant, should he transpose his weather, as he must do, did he follow the dictates of my glass. What would the world say to see summers filled with clouds and storms, and winters with calms and sunshine, according to the variations of the weather, as they might accidentally appear in a State barometer? But let that be as it will, I shall apply my own invention to my own use; and if I do not make my fortune by it, it will be my own fault.

The next letter comes to me from another self-interested solicitor.

"Mr. Bickerstaff,

"I am going to set up for a scrivener, and have thought of a project which may turn both to your account and mine. It came into my head upon reading that learned and useful paper of yours concerning advertisements.[115 - No. 224.] You must understand, I have made myself master in the whole art of advertising, both as to the style and the letter. Now if you and I could so manage it, that nobody should write advertisements besides myself, or print them anywhere but in your paper, we might both of us get estates in a little time. For this end I would likewise propose, that you should enlarge the design of advertisements, and have sent you two or three samples of my work in this kind, which I have made for particular friends, and intend to open shop with. The first is for a gentleman, who would willingly marry, if he could find a wife to his liking; the second is for a poor Whig, who is lately turned out of his post; and the third for a person of a contrary party, who is willing to get into one.

"'Whereas A. B., next door to the "Pestle and Mortar," being about thirty years old, of a spare make, with dark-coloured hair, bright eyes, and a long nose, has occasion for a good-humoured, tall, fair, young woman, of about £3000 fortune: these are to give notice, that if any such young woman has a mind to dispose of herself in marriage to such a person as the above-mentioned, she may be provided with a husband, a coach and horses, and a proportionable settlement.'

"'C. D., designing to quit his place, has great quantities of paper, parchment, ink, wax, and wafers to dispose of, which will be sold at very reasonable rates.'

"'E. F., a person of good behaviour, six foot high, of a black complexion and sound principles, wants an employ. He is an excellent penman and accountant, and speaks French.'"

No. 229. [Addison.

From Saturday, Sept. 23, to Tuesday, Sept. 26, 1710

– Sume superbiam
Quæsitam meritis —

    Hor., 3 Od. xxx. 14.

From my own Apartment, Sept. 25

The whole creation preys upon itself: every living creature is inhabited. A flea has a thousand invisible insects that tease him as he jumps from place to place, and revenge our quarrels upon him. A very ordinary microscope shows us that a louse is itself a very lousy creature. A whale, besides those seas and oceans in the several vessels of his body, which are filled with innumerable shoals of little animals, carries about it a whole world of inhabitants; insomuch that, if we believe the calculations some have made, there are more living creatures which are too small for the naked eye to behold about the leviathan, than there are of visible creatures upon the face of the whole earth. Thus every nobler creature is as it were the basis and support of multitudes that are his inferiors.

This consideration very much comforts me, when I think on those numberless vermin that feed upon this paper, and find their sustenance out of it: I mean, the small wits and scribblers that every day turn a penny by nibbling at my Lucubrations. This has been so advantageous to this little species of writers, that, if they do me justice, I may expect to have my statue erected in Grub Street, as being a common benefactor to that quarter.

They say, when a fox is very much troubled with fleas, he goes into the next pool with a little lock of wool in his mouth, and keeps his body under water till the vermin get into it, after which he quits the wool, and diving, leaves his tormentors to shift for themselves, and get their livelihood where they can. I would have these gentlemen take care that I do not serve them after the same manner; for though I have hitherto kept my temper pretty well, it is not impossible but I may some time or other disappear; and what will then become of them? Should I lay down my paper, what a famine would there be among the hawkers, printers, booksellers, and authors? It would be like Dr. B – 's[116 - Daniel Burgess (see No. 66).] dropping his cloak, with the whole congregation hanging upon the skirts of it. To enumerate some of these my doughty antagonists, I was threatened to be answered weekly Tit for Tat: I was undermined by the Whisperer, haunted by Tom Brown's Ghost, scolded at by a FemaleTatler, and slandered by another of the same character, under the title of Atalantis. I have been annotated, re-tattled, examined, and condoled;[117 - The first number of Tit for Tat appeared under the name of Jo. Partridge, Esq., on March 2, 1710, with an announcement of Bickerstaff's death; probably it reached only to five numbers. Of the Whisperer (October 11, 1709), and the Gazette à-la-Mode, or Tom Brown's Ghost (May 12, 1709), only single numbers are known. The Female Tatler, issued by Thomas Baker, lasted from July 8, 1709, to March 31, 1710; and there was a rival paper, with the same title, printed for A Baldwin. The "New Atalantis," Mrs. Manley's well-known book, contained more than one attack on Steele. "Annotated" refers to the satirical "Annotations upon the Tatler," 1710 (see No. 224); and "condoled," to a pamphlet, "A Condoling Letter to the Tatler; on account of the misfortunes of Isaac Bickerstaff, a prisoner in the – on suspicion of debt" (September 19, 1710). The Tory Examiner had much to say about the Tatler and Steele's subsequent writings. Nothing is known of a Re-Tatler."For my part," wrote Defoe, "I have always thought that the weakest step the Tatler ever took, if that complete author can be said to have done anything weak, was to stoop to take the least notice of the barkings of the animals that have condoled him, examined him, &c. He should have let every bark and fool rail, and, according to his own observation of the fable of the sun, continued to shine on. This I have found to be agreeable to the true notion of contempt. Silence is the utmost slight nature can dictate to a man, and the most insupportable for a vain man to bear."] but it being my standing maxim never to speak ill of the dead, I shall let these authors rest in peace, and take great pleasure in thinking that I have sometimes been the means of their getting a bellyful. When I see myself thus surrounded by such formidable enemies, I often think of the Knight of the Red Cross in Spenser's "Den of Error," who after he has cut off the dragon's head, and left it wallowing in a flood of ink, sees a thousand monstrous reptiles making their attempts upon him, one with many heads, another with none, and all of them without eyes.

The same so sore annoyèd has the knight,
That well-nigh chokèd with the deadly stink,
His forces fail, he can no longer fight;
Whose courage when the fiend perceived to shrink,
She pourèd forth out of her hellish sink
Her fruitful cursèd spawn of serpents small,
Deformèd monsters, foul, and black as ink;
Which swarming all about his legs did crawl,
And him encumbered sore, but could not hurt at all.

As gentle shepherd in sweet eventide,
When ruddy Phœbus 'gins to welk in West,
High on an hill, his flock to viewen wide,
Marks which do bite their hasty supper best;
A cloud of cumbrous gnats do him molest,
All striving to infix their feeble stings,
That from their 'noyance he nowhere can rest;
But with his clownish hands their tender wings
He brusheth oft, and oft doth mar their murmurings.[118 - "Faërie Queene," 1. i. 22, 23.]

If ever I should want such a fry of little authors to attend me, I shall think my paper in a very decaying condition. They are like ivy about an oak, which adorns the tree at the same time that it eats into it; or like a great man's equipage, that do honour to the person on whom they feed. For my part, when I see myself thus attacked, I do not consider my antagonists as malicious, but hungry, and therefore am resolved never to take any notice of them.

As for those who detract from my labours without being prompted to it by an empty stomach, in return to their censures I shall take pains to excel, and never fail to persuade myself, that their enmity is nothing but their envy or ignorance.

Give me leave to conclude, like an old man and a moralist, with a fable:

The owls, bats, and several other birds of night, were one day got together in a thick shade, where they abused their neighbours in a very sociable manner. Their satire at last fell upon the sun, whom they all agreed to be very troublesome, impertinent, and inquisitive. Upon which the sun, who overheard them, spoke to them after this manner: "Gentlemen, I wonder how you dare abuse one that you know could in an instant scorch you up, and burn every mother's son of you: but the only answer I shall give you, or the revenge I shall take of you, is, to shine on."[119 - See No. 239.]

No. 230. [Steele and Swift.

From Tuesday, Sept. 26, to Thursday, Sept. 28, 1710

From my own Apartment, Sept. 27

The following letter has laid before me many great and manifest evils in the world of letters which I had overlooked; but they open to me a very busy scene, and it will require no small care and application to amend errors which are become so universal. The affectation of politeness is exposed in this epistle with a great deal of wit and discernment; so that whatever discourses I may fall into hereafter upon the subjects the writer treats of, I shall at present lay the matter before the world without the least alteration from the words of my correspondent.[120 - Swift was author of the letter which fills the remainder of this paper. See his "Journal to Stella," Sept. 18, 1710: "Got home early, and began a letter to the Tatler about the corruptions of style and writing, &c." Sept. 23, 1710: "I have sent a long letter to Bickerstaff, let the Bishop of Clogher smoke it if he can." Sept. 29, 1710: "I made a Tatler since I came; guess which it is, and whether the Bishop of Clogher smokes it." Oct. 1, 1710: "Have you smoked the Tatler that I wrote? It is much liked here, and I think it a pure one."]

To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq

"Sir,