The Positive Woman

No-one can say exactly how many women are suffering in this way but, judging from my post bag and other contacts, the numbers in Britain alone must be in the millions. Some people, of course, only get the ‘black phases’ occasionally and can cope by just waiting until ‘it passes’, but many others find that their negativity gradually creeps up on them until it is in danger of dominating their general thinking and lifestyle. My guess is that therapists like myself only ever see the tip of the iceberg, because most women in this state, even if they were well informed, would feel too ashamed, lethargic, despairing, cynical or powerless to believe that there was a way out of their negativity.

The root causes of negative thinking

I do not believe that some people enter this world as ‘born pessimists’ or ‘born losers’. I know that social and economic factors do give some of us a fairer start than others, and I also acknowledge that many of our general personality traits, such as our inclination towards extrovert or introvert styles of behaviour, are probably governed by our genetic inheritance. But I remain convinced that our basic attitudes towards ourselves and the world do affect the kind of life we find ourselves experiencing.

Our attitudes are programmed into our personality through ‘messages’ which we receive during the impressionable years of our childhood, and are then strengthened and reinforced by our experiences in adult life. These ‘messages’ are given to us directly or indirectly. For example, we may be told directly that we are ‘great’ or indirectly made to feel ‘great’ because of the way our parent figures responded to us. Similarly we can learn to see the world and the people in it as threatening because that is what we are told or because we have been repeatedly threatened ourselves. These ‘messages’ then become stored in the subconscious part of our mind and personality and will generally guide our feelings and behaviour. This is often referred to by therapists and psychologists as the ‘automatic pilot’ within us.

If our ‘auto-pilot’ has been programmed by negative ‘messages’ and experiences, we will often find ourselves sabotaging our attempts to feel and act positively. This is particularly true if we are under stress or are feeling frightened or threatened because it is then that we tend to fall back on our ‘auto-responses’.

Of course, there are many factors in our lives as adults which can cause us to view ourselves and the world negatively. The experiences of being continually discriminated against, becoming seriously ill or handicapped, being economically deprived, tragically losing a loved one, being the victim of a robbery or traumatic sexual abuse can all have very powerful negative effects, but certainly we have a much better chance of recovering our strength and hope if our basic attitudes to ourselves and life are positive.

I was a first child, wanted and loved … I am fortunate in that I am not a person of depressive temperament. When you become disabled I think it accentuates whatever your personality is. If you are of a depressive nature, you may become more depressed.

Sue Masham

Is change possible?

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

Winston Churchill

I know change is possible because, as I have already indicated, I have experienced it first hand myself, and have been witness to very many ‘transformations’ in other people. Although I know that, at heart, I was the same person 25 years ago as I am now, my ‘personality’ appears and feels radically different. I may not have become the model of positive perfection I outlined earlier, but I do now genuinely like myself, feel I have vast reserves of untapped potential to help myself and others, enjoy and respect the vast majority of people I meet, appreciate the beauty of the world and am capable of responding positively to its many challenges. This is a very different picture from the bitter cynical young woman who bungled several suicide attempts when the mood-lifting pills, alcohol and various ‘princes’ let her down!

My negative attitudes had been, in part, formed by early childhood experiences with an erratic, alcoholic mother, inadequate attention from under-resourced children’s homes, confusing care and teaching from ‘two-faced’ nuns, and bullying from other equally deprived and insecure kids. But many other women have had a much more traumatic and unfair start in life than my own, and have managed similar ‘transformations’. The great writer Maya Angelou is one:

I decided many years ago to invent myself. I had obviously beeninvented by someone else – by a whole society – and I didn’t like their invention.

There are various ways of overcoming negativity. Some people find their work, art or religion useful; others are ‘rescued’ by very inspiring and enabling people whom they happen to meet at some stage in their lives. The course outlined in the rest of this book introduces another way, which has been tried and tested by large numbers of people who have attended personal development courses or sought help from a counsellor or therapist.

The word ‘impossible’ is black. ‘I can’ is like a flame of gold.

Catherine Cookson

Chapter 2 Becoming positive in the quest for self-knowledge (#ulink_c008f798-0db1-5499-8392-779ff26be540)

Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is superior wisdom.

Lao Tzu

Self-knowledge is a key factor in any programme of personal development. I am always amazed at how little people do assess their own personality and abilities. Gossiping amateur psychologists who speculate with great accuracy about the foibles or strengths of friends and neighbours often turn to the daily horoscopes for guidance on their own psyches! I have seen successful managers who have spent a whole career interviewing and assessing staff almost rendered speechless when confronted with questions about their personalities and value systems.

Fortunately, however, there seems to be a change in the air – articles in women’s magazines and newspapers are increasingly accompanied by searching questionnaires asking ‘Do you always feel/ think …?’ or ‘Are you the kind of person who …?’ Of course many of these quizzes are written by journalists rather than professional psychologists or therapists, and give very superficial results, but they do nevertheless often start us thinking and talking. Similarly, in the worlds of work and education a fashion for self-assessment is sweeping through, as employers and teachers ask, ‘What do you think you can achieve?’ and ‘What personal qualities can you offer?’ But, in our culture, it is not that easy to point the probing finger inwards. We often have to contend with several negative blocks before we can confidently and enthusiastically take the path to our own psychological enlightenment.

Negative blocks

Here are a few negative messages I have noticed ringing in people’s ears.

Block 1: ‘I don’t want to be seen as self-centred or to look as though there is something wrong with me.’

It is true that there still is a certain stigma attached to self-evaluation. Contemplating the navels of others is now socially acceptable behaviour – in fact, it could be argued that it is even becoming quite fashionable. But to turn the same enquiring mind inwards still tends to be regarded as self-indulgent or neurotic. This is why most people’s visits to personal development courses are initially shrouded in secrecy – who wants to be seen indulging in the pastime of the mentally infirm and selfish egocentrics?! But fortunately, as time progresses, more often than not I witness people who once came and went by the back door moving to the position of recruiting officer at the front!

When one is a stranger to oneself, then one is estranged from others too.

Anne Morrow Lindberg

Block 2: ‘It’s alright for those who can afford the luxury.’

I find that many people still think that this kind of activity is a privilege of the super-rich who can afford the time and money to relax on the analytic couch, bending the ear of a kindly father-figure several times a week for the rest of their lives! Knowledge about affordable alternatives such as self-help groups and counselling is still far from common. Very often it is only gathered and given in times of severe crisis or when a problem has become so chronic that it is causing havoc in people’s lives. The cry of so many of my clients is ‘If only I had known years ago where to go to get help with understanding myself, I am sure I would not have got into this mess!’

Block 3: ‘Deep down, I’m probably not a very nice person.’

Most people find the very thought of beginning to explore their innermost souls frightening. One worry which people have often confessed to me is that they are going to find out that they are not the person they hoped that they and others thought they were. They are afraid that a deeper analysis of their thoughts, feelings and potential will reveal their inadequacies, that the limitations to their ‘niceness’, intelligence and creativity will stare them in the face, and the reality of a mediocre or disastrous destiny will dull their dreams. This is particularly true of course for women, who have so many stereotypical images and archetypes of ‘nice, caring back-seat drivers’ with which to contend!

Every one of us has a darker side to our personality, however, and we all have limits to our potential. But getting better acquainted with our own ‘devil’ means we can have more control over her, and confronting the limits of our potential means we are more likely to set goals for ourselves which bring satisfaction and reward as opposed to disappointment and failure.

I can’t imagine anything worse than being a good girl.

Cher

Block 4: ‘If I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.’

This is a very common fear, i.e. that ‘digging up the dirt’ through self-examination and exploration of the past experiences will bring overwhelming despair and depression. Certainly many people I have worked with find they have a very large backlog of tears to shed and do cry out at times, ‘Will it ever stop?’ But of course, it does, and then comes the feeling of relief and renewed energy.

As people become more experienced at doing personal development work, they learn to have more and more control over the buried tears and are able to choose to shed them in safe and supportive places – for example in the comfort and warmth of their own homes or in the arms of close and trusted friends who will not panic in the presence of their grief but simply be with them until it passes. As someone who has experienced the deep despair of serious life-threatening depression, I know that it is a condition of non-feeling, totally different from the reflective sadness and grief that we can experience as we recall and examine aspects of our past.

I knew that my cure would never be complete unless I could openly associate myself with two words; two words that had been my secret shame for so long, namely ‘illegitimate’ and ‘bastard’.

Catherine Cookson, talking about her breakdown

If any of these negative messages have been ringing bells for you – or, indeed, if you have any others – you must deal with your resistance first. If you begin your self-exploration with such attitudes, you will not only make the whole process feel like hard work, but you may also influence your objectivity, for if you expect to find trouble, your perception and memory will surely bring it out for you! Of course, you may recall sad times and experiences, temporary attacks of anxiety, self-doubt and cynicism, but remember that that is not the whole story!

Make a positive beginning

Start now to correct your negative outlook by reading the following typical positive comments from people I have known who have taken the risk of inspecting the hidden depths of their hearts and minds.

‘I didn’t realize how exciting self-exploration could be.’

‘I found out that I was a much more interesting person than I ever dreamed I was.’

‘I’d forgotten how much I had already achieved in my life – remembering gave me the courage to keep on trying.’

‘It was wonderful to rediscover my hidden strengths.’

‘Finding out what was really important to me in life was the first step towards getting it!’

‘It felt so good to become aware that I had simply slipped into a rut for the safety I once so desperately wanted but now no longer need.’

‘Understanding the cause of my faults helped me like myself better – and helped me to become more tolerant of those weaknesses in other people.’