Hopelessly Devoted To You

‘Blimey. I guess there are some strange people out there.’

‘I know! And I think I’ve dated most of them now.’ She sighed and stretched her arms out in front of her. ‘Still, I reckon my luck has to change soon.’

‘Too true. Mr Perfect will be out there waiting for you somewhere.’

‘You reckon? Well, I really hope it doesn’t take too long to find him. I’m getting a bit fed up now with the dating lark. Having to look lovely and be scintillating company each night gets a bit wearing after a while. Although sometimes I wonder why I bother. It’s not as though my dates go to the same amount of trouble.’ She gave a rueful smile, looking across at Ruby. ‘Funny to think I’m putting all this time and effort into finding my Mr Perfect and you’ve been doing your best to get rid of yours.’

‘You make it sound as though I’ve been deliberately trying to finish Finn off.’

Laura quirked an eyebrow and pursed her lips together in a look of mischievousness.

‘Well, I did wonder if you pushed him down those stairs.’

‘Laura! That’s a terrible thing to say!’

‘I’m only teasing you. Finn will be all right, I’m sure of it.’

Ruby sighed, wishing she could share in Laura’s positivity.

‘Do you really think so? But what if he’s not all right, Laura? What if he dies? Or if he stays in a coma for the rest of his life? If he does wake up he might be brain damaged and need twenty-four-hour care.’ She scrunched the hair at her temples between her fingers. ‘Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? To think that I’m the one responsible for Finn’s condition. It’s horrible. No, whatever happens now, I’m determined to stand by Finn. To see him through all this. I owe him that much at least.’

‘Oh, God! I hadn’t thought of that.’ Now it was Laura’s turn to sigh dramatically. ‘Wouldn’t that be an awful twist of fate? To think that you finally get round to dumping your boyfriend only then to be chained to him for an entire lifetime because of a freak accident that leaves you feeling indebted to him out of a sense of guilt.’ She shuddered exaggeratedly. ‘It’s like the plotline of a Hollywood blockbuster!’

‘Would you just stop it, Laura? You’re not helping—you’re not helping at all. This is my life we’re talking about here. Not a film. And this morning, apart from the small matter of having to dump my boyfriend, my life was looking pretty damn good and now in the space of a few hours it’s all crumbled around me. If Finn doesn’t wake up, I don’t know how I’ll ever live with myself.’

‘Look, obviously that’s the worst-case scenario,’ said Laura, trying to drag Ruby out of the pit of despair she’d helped to create. ‘It probably won’t come to that. And besides now is not the time to make any rash decisions. He’ll probably come round in a few days’ time, if not sooner, probably tomorrow, I bet, and then everything will be fine again. Everything will be back to normal.’

‘Yes,’ said Ruby, nodding her head maniacally as though if she did that enough times it might actually make it come true.

‘Yes,’ said Laura, joining her in the nodding frenzy. ‘Everything will be absolutely fine.’

They both did more of the nodding thing, although neither of the girls were doing a good job of convincing the other that they actually believed any of it.

Chapter Five (#ulink_1a2752f0-607d-559a-bdfd-7e9f79d3cf9f)

‘Hello!’ The next morning Ruby eased open the door of Finn’s room, her heart pounding in her chest, desperate to see him and yet not really wanting to find out what was waiting for her on the other side.

She’d fallen asleep almost immediately last night after Laura had put her into bed, but she’d awoken again three hours later and had spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, the memory of Finn’s body tumbling down the stairs playing over and over in her mind. She’d thought about getting up and making a cup of tea, but she hadn’t wanted to disturb Laura, who’d insisted on staying over and was sleeping on the sofa.

Now, though, her lack of sleep was firing her veins, the surroundings of the hospital seeming reassuring and terrifying in equal measure.

‘Hello, love.’ Gerry stirred in the armchair next to Finn’s bed, when Ruby entered the room. His eyes, the same deep searching blue eyes as his son’s, flickered open. ‘I think I must have nodded off.’

‘Where’s Jan?’ Ruby asked, looking around and lowering her voice as though she didn’t want to wake Finn when in fact she longed for the very opposite.

‘I told her to go home. To make some phone calls and then to get some rest. There’s no point in us both sitting here staring morosely at Finn. She’s going to come in this evening and stay overnight.’

‘Oh, okay. Has there been any change?’ She looked at Finn, already knowing the answer.

Gerry shook his head and gave a wry smile.

‘I don’t really expect there to be yet. Perhaps we’ll find out more today.’ He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. ‘What about you? Did you manage to get any sleep?’

‘A little, although I kept waking up thinking about the accident. You just wonder, don’t you? If only Finn hadn’t come round last night or if we’d met in a restaurant instead of at the flat or if he’d left just a little bit earlier or a little bit later, then maybe none of this would ever have happened.’

‘Don’t torment yourself over it, Ruby. This really isn’t your fault. It’s just one of those things. And we can’t change what’s happened. We just have to deal with the here and now.’

‘Yes, of course.’ She didn’t expect anything else other than Gerry’s positivity. Like Finn, he wasn’t one for soul-searching or navel-gazing, he just dealt in plain facts, but she wondered whether in the dark of the night, alone with his only son, he’d entertained any of the terrifying thoughts that she’d been wrestling.

‘Come on, come here and give me a hug.’ He held out his hands to her and she gladly walked into the safety of his embrace. She rested her head on his chest, imagining that his solid, firm body belonged to Finn.

‘He will be all right, won’t he, Gerry?’

‘Hey!’ He pulled back from their embrace, his hands resting on her upper arms, the sincerity in his eyes shining through. ‘Are you kidding? Of course, he’s going to be all right. He has to be. I’ve always had an instinct as far as Finn is concerned and every instinct in my body is telling me that he’s going to pull through this. Whatever Finn has to face in the coming days and weeks, we’ll be there to help him through it, won’t we?’

Ruby nodded mutely, that familiar gnawing sensation of guilt stirring in her stomach. Should she tell him? Wouldn’t this be the ideal opportunity, alone with Finn’s father, to tell him how she’d invited his son over for one reason alone: to give him the news that she didn’t want to marry him any more? She should let him know that Finn hadn’t left her flat in a good frame of mind, but had been barely keeping a lid on his anger when he’d strode away from her front door. His mind had been distracted when he’d taken that fateful first step down the stairs that sent him crashing to the floor. Didn’t Gerry and Jan have a right to know all that?

She thought they probably did, but they were suffering enough as it was. Offloading her guilty secret to them would only make them feel a lot worse and cause a huge amount of additional tension that she really couldn’t face at the moment. No, it would need to remain her little secret for the time being. She sighed, burying herself back into the warmth of Gerry’s jumper, closing her eyes, wishing she could stay there for ever. Wishing that when she opened her eyes again she could return to being the favoured future daughter-in-law and not the evil ex-girlfriend she now found herself cast as.

She looked up into Gerry’s eyes.

‘Yeah.’ She bit on her lip to stop the tears that were gathering in her eyes from falling. ‘He’s going to be okay and we’re all going to be there for him when he wakes up.’

He nodded reassuringly and she wondered if she didn’t notice a moistening in his eyes too.

‘I’ll go and grab you a coffee before I go. I hope you’ve brought a paper or a book to read. I think you might be in for a long day.’

***

Ruby had actually come well prepared. She’d brought along a book and a paper to read, some knitting—a jumper for Finn—and a drawing pad and some pencils in case she suddenly found the urge, but it became apparent, within minutes of Gerry leaving, that she had neither the inclination or the concentration to do any of those things. Instead her gaze travelled around the hospital room fixing all the details in her mind. The small window with the floral curtains, the empty vase, the bedside cabinet with the jug of squash, the small sink, the hand sanitiser, the tubes and machinery with their oddly distracting flashing lights, all the numbers tormenting her with the numerous possibilities of their meanings. They, and the constant visits from the nurses and doctors, all conspired to add to the low-level anxiety that permeated the room. Well, if Ruby was being honest, her anxiety levels were sky-high, but she was doing a good job of trying to keep a lid on them.

Finn, obviously, oblivious to her and the surroundings, was at the centre of the picture rapidly filling her head. He looked every inch the man she’d spent the last ten years with only different. His features had lost their sharp definition, his skin was pale, offering an almost ethereal look, and the beginnings of a shadowy stubble crept over his distinctive jawline. For someone so vital and dynamic, the complete absence of his core essence was eerie and unsettling. His body was there, but his spirit was missing in action. She wanted to grab his arm and shake him awake. To tell him to stop playing silly buggers. To see his eyes ping open, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. Instead she lifted up his hand, her fingers caressing his strong wide knuckles, her thumb making small circular motions on the back of his tanned hand.

‘Hi, Finn. I wonder if you can hear me. The doctors said we should talk to you so I’m hoping that you might. Did you know, your hearing is the last of the senses to go? One of the nurses told me that. I bet you already knew that though. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Finn. That you know everything. Or at least you seem to. All those things I had no clue about you were able to put me straight on. I liked that.

‘Not that I think you’re going anywhere, obviously.’ She laughed aloud nervously. ‘We’re all just waiting for you to wake up and I’m being my usual impatient self and wanting you to do it now. Right this minute now. Go on.’

She clicked her fingers before letting out a heavy sigh, staring at his resolutely closed eyelids. His long thick dark eyelashes, which Ruby had always felt so envious of, fanned onto his cheek.

‘No. Well, don’t take too long about it, Finn. I want you back here with me so we can talk. We didn’t really get to talk last night, did we? And I wish we had. I want to explain to you why I dump…decided to end our relationship. I felt terrible when you asked me if I’d ever loved you. It seemed as though I’d never cared for you, which isn’t the case at all. I adored you. I adore you still, you know that. We had so many good times together and you became my very best friend, but I suppose I’ve always felt…I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt that I wasn’t quite enough for you. And I’m not sure why I’ve felt like that because I know you’ve only ever shown me complete love and affection. I know this is a cliché and you would probably have laughed in my face if I’d told you, but I honestly believe this is more about me and the way I’m feeling rather than having anything to do with you, Finn.

‘You have to admit I’ve always been hanging onto your coat-tails a bit. I didn’t mind being “the wind beneath your wings” but I wonder if you haven’t sometimes got a bit fed up of me, always being there, hanging onto your every word like an adoring puppy. I know you’ve never said anything to that effect, but I did wonder if there might not come a time when you would tire of my constant presence. Whether I might hold you back from reaching those amazing heights you’re destined to reach. I’m sure people must look at us and think “wow, how did those two ever get together?” I mean, I sometimes think it myself. How did we ever get together in the first place? I just don’t know. You were always so driven, ambitious and focused and I…well, I wasn’t. You could have had the pick of any one of the girls from my school, but you chose me instead. I was the envy of all my friends, suddenly I’d become valid in their eyes, but I must admit I was as bemused as they were by your interest in me. I sort of went along for the ride, not thinking it would last the week out let alone that we’d still be together ten years later. And I think that’s probably characterised our relationship. I’ve been swept along on that wave. I’m not saying it hasn’t been fun—it has! We’ve had some amazing times together but as ridiculous as it may sound I’ve not felt as though I made a conscious decision to be part of this relationship.’

Ruby sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She edged forward on her chair, her hand feeling for the outline of Finn’s body beneath the sheet.

‘Does that make any sense whatsoever to you, Finn? Probably not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. It’s just that I feel as though I’m not living my own life. How can I explain? It feels like I’m living my life solely as Finn’s girlfriend and soon to be Finn’s wife and that whole thing, that role as your other half, seems to have subsumed me completely. It’s left me almost gasping for breath, wanting to break free, and that means inevitably breaking free from you, yes, but more than that it’s a need to get away from the whole situation. I have to do this. To reconnect with myself somehow and work out what it is I actually want from my life. Of course I’m worried. Worried that I’m doing the wrong thing, that I might be on the brink of making the biggest mistake of my life.’

She stroked the length of his arm lovingly, scanning his face for any sign, however tiny, that he might be hearing her words, understanding her meaning, but there was nothing.