An Ideal Husband

mrs. marchmont. [Pressinglady basildon’shand.] My poor Olivia! We have married perfect husbands, and we are well punished for it.

lord goring. I should have thought it was the husbands who were punished.

mrs. marchmont. [Drawing herself up.] Oh, dear no! They are as happy as possible! And as for trusting us, it is tragic how much they trust us.

lady basildon. Perfectly tragic!

lord goring. Or comic, Lady Basildon?

lady basildon. Certainly not comic, Lord Goring. How unkind of you to suggest such a thing!

mrs. marchmont. I am afraid Lord Goring is in the camp of the enemy, as usual. I saw him talking to that Mrs. Cheveley when he came in.

lord goring. Handsome woman, Mrs. Cheveley!

lady basildon. [Stiffly.] Please don’t praise other women in our presence. You might wait for us to do that!

lord goring. I did wait.

mrs. marchmont. Well, we are not going to praise her. I hear she went to the Opera on Monday night, and told Tommy Rufford at supper that, as far as she could see, London Society was entirely made up of dowdies and dandies.

lord goring. She is quite right, too. The men are all dowdies and the women are all dandies, aren’t they?

mrs. marchmont. [After a pause.] Oh! do you really think that is what Mrs. Cheveley meant?

lord goring. Of course. And a very sensible remark for Mrs. Cheveley to make, too.

[Entermabel chiltern. She joins the group.]

mabel chiltern. Why are you talking about Mrs. Cheveley? Everybody is talking about Mrs. Cheveley! Lord Goring says – what did you say, Lord Goring, about Mrs. Cheveley? Oh! I remember, that she was a genius in the daytime and a beauty at night.

lady basildon. What a horrid combination! So very unnatural!

mrs. marchmont. [In her most dreamy manner.] I like looking at geniuses, and listening to beautiful people.

lord goring. Ah! that is morbid of you, Mrs. Marchmont!

mrs. marchmont. [Brightening to a look of real pleasure.] I am so glad to hear you say that. Marchmont and I have been married for seven years, and he has never once told me that I was morbid. Men are so painfully unobservant!

lady basildon. [Turning to her.] I have always said, dear Margaret, that you were the most morbid person in London.

mrs. marchmont. Ah! but you are always sympathetic, Olivia!

mabel chiltern. Is it morbid to have a desire for food? I have a great desire for food. Lord Goring, will you give me some supper?

lord goring. With pleasure, Miss Mabel. [Moves away with her.]

mabel chiltern. How horrid you have been! You have never talked to me the whole evening!

lord goring. How could I? You went away with the child-diplomatist.

mabel chiltern. You might have followed us. Pursuit would have been only polite. I don’t think I like you at all this evening!

lord goring. I like you immensely.

mabel chiltern. Well, I wish you’d show it in a more marked way! [They go downstairs.]

mrs. marchmont. Olivia, I have a curious feeling of absolute faintness. I think I should like some supper very much. I know I should like some supper.

lady basildon. I am positively dying for supper, Margaret!

mrs. marchmont. Men are so horribly selfish, they never think of these things.

lady basildon. Men are grossly material, grossly material!

[Thevicomte de nanjacenters from the music-room with some other guests. After having carefully examined all the people present, he approacheslady basildon.]

vicomte de nanjac. May I have the honour of taking you down to supper, Comtesse?

lady basildon. [Coldly.] I never take supper, thank you, Vicomte. [Thevicomteis about to retire. lady basildon, seeing this, rises at once and takes his arm.] But I will come down with you with pleasure.

vicomte de nanjac. I am so fond of eating! I am very English in all my tastes.

lady basildon. You look quite English, Vicomte, quite English.

[They pass out. mr. montford, a perfectly groomed young dandy, approachesmrs. marchmont.]

mr. montford. Like some supper, Mrs. Marchmont?

mrs. marchmont. [Languidly.] Thank you, Mr. Montford, I never touch supper. [Rises hastily and takes his arm.] But I will sit beside you, and watch you.

mr. montford. I don’t know that I like being watched when I am eating!

mrs. marchmont. Then I will watch some one else.

mr. montford. I don’t know that I should like that either.

mrs. marchmont. [Severely.] Pray, Mr. Montford, do not make these painful scenes of jealousy in public!

[They go downstairs with the other guests, passingsir robert chilternandmrs. cheveley, who now enter.]

sir robert chiltern. And are you going to any of our country houses before you leave England, Mrs. Cheveley?

mrs. cheveley. Oh, no! I can’t stand your English house-parties. In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast. That is so dreadful of them! Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. And then the family skeleton is always reading family prayers. My stay in England really depends on you, Sir Robert. [Sits down on the sofa.]

sir robert chiltern. [Taking a seat beside her.] Seriously?

mrs. cheveley. Quite seriously. I want to talk to you about a great political and financial scheme, about this Argentine Canal Company, in fact.