Eat Me: Love, Sex and the Art of Eating

Men enjoy the thrill of the chase. Conversely, women love being pursued and, come on ladies admit it, we all enjoy playing a little hard to get. So what is the point of this ‘sniff, sniff, you’re nice’ instant gratification?

One-night stands may well have their attraction, but when we are actively seeking ‘the one’ perhaps we should consider taking a little time to woo and be wooed?

I have been on more laps than a napkin.

MAE WEST

For those mornings when we crash through the front door at 6am feeling a little worse for wear due to lack of sleep, far too many cocktails and the ensuing walk of shame, here’s a little schedule that I promise will have you on your feet, at the office on time and back to your sparkling old self in the wink of an eye.

1 The very first thing that must be done once you’ve staggered through the door is to put the kettle on. Secondly, pour yourself a small glass of water, preferably at room temperature, and mix in 4 drops of milk thistle tincture and a good squeeze of lemon. Down it in one. (Funnily enough in much the same way you were downing tequila shots a few hours ago.)

2 Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil remove all clothing, including jewellery, and take a hot shower. Just before you finish, turn off the hot tap completely and blast your senses awake with 20 seconds of icy cold water. It may sound barbaric, but it works.

3 Before drying off, moisturise your entire body with baby oil (nothing makes your skin feel softer and it must be applied whilst you’re still wet), and then wrap yourself up in the biggest, fluffiest towel you possess.

4 The kettle will have boiled by now, so brew an exceptionally strong pot of coffee and rustle up two slices of toast topped with honey and mashed banana. Curl up in front of breakfast television until feelings of wellbeing return. (Caffeine, carbohydrates and potassium, found in bananas, are the holy trinity of hangover cures. Watching telly simply diverts your attention away from how crap you feel.)

5 When you feel human enough to get dressed, choose your outfit for the day carefully; make sure it’s something you feel good in, preferably tailored and razor-sharp. If at all possible avoid your usual route to work if it involves crowded buses or, worse, the tube; either walk or take a cab, stopping off on the way for a large fresh carrot and green apple juice. A little pampering and indulgence intensifies feelings of wellbeing which will in turn lessen both the hangover and any residual negative feelings resulting from the walk of shame.

Yes, I know, never again.

INFATUATION (#ulink_1d9a6568-45d1-5bf0-87b7-1122c28856f6)

Down the slippery slidey slope we goWhat will we find there?God only knows!

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.

LORENZ HART

So, how are the two of you doing?

You’ve been on two or three dates and, frankly, it’s been a long time since you liked anyone this much and every time you think of him you get butterflies and, well, he’s just so wonderful.

Congratulations! You’re infatuated.

Doesn’t it feel amazing? You are seeing glimpses of the possibility, of the chance of something really special and it’s hard to stop smiling.

Welcome then to the start of the really good bit of The Beginning. You can forget all about holding back now, it’s time to take a leap of faith and go for it in every way. The brakes are off.

The sight of her face … together with the maddening fragrance of food evoked an emotion of wild tenderness and hunger in him that was unutterable.

THOMAS WOLFE

At this stage food is a major player in the game that is Lust and Seduction, despite the nausea that comes with infatuation and ensures that eating is the last thing on our minds. Our appetites wane, we have the attention span of dyslexic ducks and all we can think about is ‘Them’.

Within the hormonally-charged delirium of this as yet unfulfilled lust, food is a very powerful weapon to wield in order to communicate our desire. Can you think of anything more sensual than preparing and sharing a meal with a person you’ve got the hots for? Especially food that must be eaten à deux, preferably with fingers – all that licking and sucking is surely the culinary equivalent of pornography.

At The Beginning food is something to be nibbled on, picked at, grazed upon and fed to each other. It is provocative and sensual (thus fuelling the already highly-charged sexual tension between fledgling lovers), an instrument of nourishment not only for our bodies, but also subconsciously for feeding our ardour. The morsels upon which we feast are a suggestion of our passion.

You look puzzled. Let me explain.

There is a theory – admittedly it’s my theory – that suggests how and what we choose to eat are personal barometers for how we make love. A neat, picky, fastidious eater, strictly meat-and-two-overcooked-veg-with-no-herbs-or-seasoning type is unlikely to make love in quite the same way as a finger-licking gourmand with a weakness for exotic spices, caviar and anything with butter and garlic.

Alongside food, candlelight, little black dresses, giggling, flowers, double-cuffed shirts, high heels, taxis, lashings of mascara, cocktails, cigars, champagne, soft music, perfume, fine wines, holding hands, aftershave and post-dinner liqueurs are all part of new lovers’ repast.

THE SEDUCTION DINNERS (#ulink_63450f0d-688e-54ab-a16c-caccdfe2b98c)

Food to Entice, Excite and Enrapture

To a man, offering him food is like offering him a breast.

ANON

The first time we invite that someone special to dinner it’s not really about dinner, more a preamble to something we are far more excited about, but The Dinner is our casting couch, our siren call, so we need to make sure it’s right. The menu should be simple and sensuous, light, but luxurious enough to be a little naughty and seductive.

Make sure the table looks good, nothing too formal; romantic, flirty and sexy is what we are looking for. Use flowers and candles in abundance. Lots of tea lights scattered around the room can be extremely effective. (Honey, everyone looks good by candlelight.) The use of pretty crockery, yards of cutlery, champagne, wine and water glasses, rose petals scattered on the tablecloth, finger bowls for sticky fingers, unusual breads with a dish of balsamic and olive oil for dipping and crisp white napkins all combine to create a feeling of luxury and pampering. Get dressed up; wear your sexiest dress and skyscraper heels. Perfect takes a tad longer, but it is worth the effort.

Serve the best champagne you can afford. Nothing, and I mean nothing, sets the tone for a romantic evening like a glass of fizz. Don’t be tempted to tamper with it, champagne cocktails are wonderful but lethal and you will both get too drunk, too fast. Hey, we have an agenda here!

The purpose of the Seduction Dinner is to create the basis of an evening that will impress the hell out of your chosen one whilst being relatively easy to shop for and that can be prepared in advance. This is crucial as it allows you all the time in the world to get yourself sexy … take a long bath with a glass of champagne and pamper yourself. You’re worth it.

I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead, Not sick, not wounded … dead.

WOODY ALLEN

Whilst I adore the indomitable Woody Allen, he is really missing the point here. Oysters are the ultimate aphrodisiac, the science bit of which revolves around the high levels of zinc they are said to contain. To be frank, the science bit bores me, all I know is that these little beauties are capable of conjuring up a feeling of luxury and seduction like no other food in the world. Plump, moist and tasting exactly like the sea, they sit nestled in their pretty little iridescent, mother-of-pearl shells, just waiting to be sucked and slurped – the very act of which is so highly erotically charged it is akin to foreplay. They are simply a must at any Seduction Dinner, and I know of nothing else that marries so well with ice-cold champagne.

Get yourself down to a good fishmonger and buy a dozen of the freshest and finest oysters they have. Buy them already shucked and on the half shell (any good fish-monger will be happy to do this for you) and run straight home, popping them in the fridge as soon as you get there. Serve these wondrous morsels on crushed ice, with a splash of Tabasco, as a preamble to dinner … Oysters and champagne scream seduction! In fact, as I write this I can’t help but feel a little envious, can I come to dinner too?

For the squeamish amongst you, and for those of you who, alas, agree with Mr Allen and simply cannot eat oysters, substitute with smoked salmon served on triangles of buttered brown bread, a squeeze of lemon and a sprinkling of paprika. For those non-fishy people, buy a small amount of good foie gras pâté and spread on thinly-sliced, lightly-toasted baguette and top with thin slivers of cornichons (baby gherkins to you and me).

Whatever you choose to serve as an amuse-bouche it should be a small, luxurious, taste explosion to complement the champagne and kick the evening off with a rather illustrious bang!

Seduction Menu 1

A Salad of Parma Ham with Frigs, Mascarpone and RocketLinguini with Lobster and ChampagneIced Raspberries with Hot White Chocolate Sauce

The Salad:

2 ripe figs; 4 slices Parma ham; 2 tbsp mascarpone cheese; a grating of fresh nutmeg; 2 large handfuls of rocket; sea salt and freshly ground black pepper. Balsamic vinegar and olive oil to dress.

An effortless and unbelievably gorgeous starter. Take 2 figs and cut a cross into them about three-quarters of the way down. Squeeze their bottoms gently to open them up and expose the inside. Wrap a slice of Parma ham around each fig, fill the inside with a spoon of mascarpone and top with a grating of nutmeg. Bake in a medium oven, 180°C (350°F) until the mascarpone is bubbling, about 5 minutes; serve on a bed of rocket which has been drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Give the whole thing a good grind of black pepper and sea salt then tear up the remaining slices of ham into ribbons and scatter onto each plate. Serve with warm crusty bread.

The Linguini:

To serve someone lobster is to spoil them utterly. If they were in any doubt of your intentions, this dish should spell it out for them.

A 1 kg (2½lb) lobster; 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped; a small fresh red chilli, deseeded and finely sliced; 3 knobs unsalted butter; 2 tbsp olive oil; 400g (14oz) tin of plum tomatoes; a large glass of champagne; a small glass of water; 250g (9oz) linguini, cooked al dente; 1 handful flat leaf parsley, finely chopped; sea salt and freshly ground pepper.