Wait and Hope: or, A Plucky Boy's Luck

"That's because you're not used to it. It takes the professor to do it."

Other subjects were forthcoming, and the professor cleared three dollars during the evening. He understood human nature well enough to flatter all, without absolutely contradicting the science of which he claimed to be the exponent.

Chapter XV

An Old Convert to Phrenology

About eleven o'clock the steamer stopped. A dense fog had sprung up, which made it perilous to proceed. Ben, who was a novice in traveling, got up to see what was the matter. He was on his way back to the stateroom, when he encountered a strange figure. The old lady was wandering about in dishabille, looking thoroughly alarmed.

Recognizing Ben, she clutched his arm.

"What has happened?" she asked, in a hollow voice, "Is the ship sinkin'?"

"No, ma'am," answered Ben. "We have only stopped on account of the fog."

"Something may run into us," exclaimed the old lady. "Oh, dear!

I wish I had never left home."

"You'd better go back to bed," said Ben soothingly. "There's no danger."

"No, I won't," said the old woman resolutely. "I'm not going to be drowned in my bed. I'll stay here till mornin'."

And she plumped down into an armchair, where she looked like an image of despair.

"Hadn't you better put on something more?" suggested Ben.

"You may get cold."

"I'll put on my shawl and bunnit," said the old lady. "I can't sleep a wink. We shall be shipwrecked; I know we shall."

Whether the old lady kept her word, or not, Ben did not know. When he entered the saloon the next morning she was already up and dressed, looking haggard from want of sleep. Ben ascertained that the boat had started again about five o'clock, and would probably reach Fall River five or six hours late. This would make it necessary to take breakfast on board.

He imparted the news to the old lady.

"It's a shame," she said indignantly. "They did it a purpose to make us spend more money. I expected to eat breakfast at my son's house in Boston."

"We shall not probably reach Boston till noon, I hear."

"Then suppose I'll have to buy somethin' to stay my stomach. It's a shame. It costs a sight to travel."

"So it does," acquiesced Ben.

"They'd oughter give us our breakfast."

"I'm afraid they won't see it in that light."

The old lady went down to breakfast, and grudgingly paid out twenty cents more for tea and toast. She was in hopes Ben would get some meat and offer her a portion; but he, too, felt the necessity of being economical, and ordered something less expensive.

Prof. Crane attempted to renew his phrenological examinations, but could only obtain two subjects.

"Shan't I examine your head?' he asked insinuatingly of the old lady.

"No, you shan't," she answered tartly. "I don't want you pawing over me."

"Don't you want me to describe your character?"

"No, I don't. Like as not, you'd slander me."

"Oh, no, ma'am; I should only indicate, by an examination of your bumps, your various tendencies and proclivities."

"I don't believe I've got any bumps."

"Oh, yes, you have. We all have them. I shall only ask you twenty-five cents for an examination."

"I won't give it," said the old lady, resolutely clutching her purse, as if she feared a violent effort to dispossess her of it. "I can't afford it."

"It is a very small sum to pay for the knowledge of yourself."

"I guess I know myself better than you do," said the old lady, nodding her head vigorously. Then, yielding to an impulse of curiosity: "Say, mister, is it a pretty good business, examinin' heads?"

"It ought to be," answered the professor, "if the world were thoroughly alive to the importance of the noble science of phrenology."

"I don't see what use it is."

"Let me tell you, then, ma'am. You have doubtless employed servants that proved unworthy of your confidence."

The old lady assented.

"Now if you had employed a phrenologist to examine a servant's head before engaging her, he would have told you at once whether she was likely to prove honest and faithful, or the reverse."

"You don't say!" exclaimed the old lady, beginning to be impressed. "Well, that would be something, I declare. Now, there's Mirandy Jones, used to work for me – I'm almost certain she stole one of my best caps."

"To wear herself?" asked Ben demurely.

"No, she wanted it for her grandmother. I'm almost sure I saw it on the old woman's head at the sewin' circle one afternoon. Then, again, there was Susan Thompson. She was the laziest, sleepiest gal I ever see. Why, one day I went into the kitchen, and what do you think? There she stood, in the middle of the floor, leanin' her head over her broom fast asleep."

"In both these cases phrenology would have enabled you to understand their deficiencies, and saved you from hiring them."

Here a gentlemen whispered to Prof. Crane: "Offer to examine the old woman's head for nothing. I will see you are paid."

The professor was not slow in taking the hint.

"Madam," said he, "as my time just now isn't particularly valuable, I don't mind examining your head for nothing."

"Will you?" said the old lady. "Well, you're very polite and oblegin'. You may, if you want to."

Prof. Crane understood that a joke was intended, and shaped his remarks accordingly.