Nothing to Do

The troublesome straits linking Calais with Dover;
Which gained, up to London he travelled post-haste,
With the prominent thought, there was no time to waste.
With the help of post-horses and frequent relays,
He "did" the whole island in eight or ten days,
During which he no doubt made a thorough survey
Of all objects of interest passed on the way.
He next made a very brief visit to Cork
(The city and people he couldn't endure),
And returning took passage at once to New York,
With the comforting thought—he had made the grand tour.

From his journal I venture below to record
A single impression received while abroad:
"June 7th, we reached Athens—a sizable place,
Some three or four miles from the Gulf of Ægina;
It contains a cathedral not equal to Grace
Church in New York, which I think is much finer.
Went up to the top of the famous Acropolis,
Which is visited daily by hundreds of people,
But can't say I think that the view from the top o' this
Is equal to that from our Trinity steeple.
The houses are mostly unsightly and small;
In Minerva and Hermes' street noticed a few
Which will do very well, but are nothing at all
Compared with our mansion in Fifth-Avenue.
The piles of old ruins one sees here and there
I consider a perfect disgrace to the town;
If they had an efficient and competent Mayor,
Like our Mayor Wood, he would soon have them down."

Returned from his tour, he may daily be seen
Promenading Broadway with a calm air of su-
Periority, such as is rightfully worn
By the heir of two millions and nothing to do.
Observe how he shrinks, with a languid disdain,
From a shabby book-keeper with coat worse for wear;
It would scarce be befitting for fine porcelain
To come in close contact with common delf-ware.
He inclines, as I think, in regard to the masses,
In a modified form to the views of Agassiz:
As that Adam the first had another for weedin',
And other such jobs, in the garden of Eden;
While Eve has a housemaid—the wife of the latter,
Of color uncertain—perhaps a mulatto,
Who lives in the kitchen, cooks, washes, and starches,
While Eve in the parlor plays waltzes and marches;
And that those who perforce bear the burdens of life
Date their origin back to this man and his wife,
While from Adam the first are descended the few
Who are blest with long purses and nothing to do.
An exceedingly simple and practical way
Of explaining the present distinction of classes,
Conclusively showing that much finer clay
Is required for the rich than the general masses.

Augustus last week at the Potiphars' party
Met Flora M'Flimsey, of Madison-square,
Who having found out from her friend Miss Astarte
That he—a great catch—it was thought would be there,
Although in a state of extreme destitution
In regard to apparel befitting to wear
With her usual promptness and firm resolution
Represented the case to her hard-hearted père;
Who firmly resisted her touching entreaties.
Until she was forced, in her utter despair,
To remind him she never could hope to be married,
Unless he provided her something to wear.
A state of the case so extremely appalling,
And fraught with such numberless bills of expense
To be run up hereafter, that, trouble forestalling,
He yielded at once, without further defence.
At the same time he said she was perfectly free
To place herself under a husband's protection;
And, hard as the sacrifice doubtless must be,
Provided she made a befitting parti,
That he, as her father, would make no objection.

Her purpose achieved, on the very same day
Miss Flora went out on a tour of inspection
To all of the principal shops in Broadway,
Where at length she succeeded in making election
Of a gossamer fabric of delicate texture,
Whose merit consisted in being so rare,
That one, though attired in it twice or thrice folded,
Might almost be said to have nothing to wear.
At the party which followed (I speak with due diffidence),
Of all that were present not one could compare,
In point of dry goods and surpassing magnificence,
With Flora M'Flimsey, of Madison-square.
She came, saw, and conquered. Her eyes' brilliant lustre—
Or that of her diamonds—effected the coup
Which brought to her feet—not the great Filibuster,
But the heir of two millions and nothing to do.
The marriage, I hear, is deferred for the present—
The bride requires three months at least to prepare.
On the first of November, should weather prove pleasant,
There will be a grand wedding at Madison-square.
The alliance I hold to be every way proper,
Since Flora M'Flimsey, in wedding the heir