Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures

This is what it was like to stuff myself before having kids:

I’d feel like I was going to burst!

And this is what it is like to stuff myself after having kids:

My stomach doesn’t ever feel like it is going to burst. It just stretches and expands.

He then asked me if it was a girl burrito or a boy burrito. I’m often pregnant with food babies.

There are other physical changes, too. Like peeing from laughing. Yay! And that my feet grew a full size during pregnancy and never ungrew. And that my hair got thinner after pregnancy and never got unthinner. And that my ass disappeared but my hips widened. Oh, and that I also have a little apron of extra skin on my belly. It’s cute. And should we talk about my vagina? No, we shouldn’t.

But enough of these superficial complaints. Who cares, right? My body made people. I’m like a wizard. Wizards don’t need perfect bodies because they wear robes. I have a robe. It is purple. (See how I distracted you from my body flaws by talking about wizards? This always works. Feel free to steal it.)

There were also changes to my daily routine.

GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE

This is what going to the grocery store was like before having kids:

I could stand there for days, pondering which can of beans to buy.

And this is what going to the grocery store is like now, after having kids:

The only thing I ponder is how fast I can get the hell out of there.

TAKING A BATH

I have always loved to take baths. This is what it was like before I had kids:

Ahhhh, how relaxing. Candles. Bubbles. Aloneness.

And this is what it is like when I try to take a bath now, after having kids:

Notice I said try. Relaxing bath attempts usually coincide with a crisis on the other side of the door (see Crappy Law #4 in Chapter 10).

Sitting in a waiting room alone used to be annoying. But now it is like a mini–spa vacation. I have to go to the dentist? Yes, please! I fell asleep in the dentist chair last time I went. The dentist was doing something annoying in my mouth like a root canal or something, but otherwise it was awesome. Those chairs are comfy! I never noticed this until after I had kids.

And going to the bathroom has changed, too. No, not the hemorrhoids that I got as a door prize for pushing a nine-pound baby out of my lady hole. The audience. When I do manage to shut the door, it is a very special experience. I read, like, three whole sentences in one sitting. Bliss. Raise your hand if you are in the bathroom right now sneaking a couple minutes of alone time. (It is kinda my dream that this actually coincidentally works for someone.)

But this whole before-and-after series would be pointless if I didn’t mention the most monumental change of all. Before kids, I knew this change was inevitable and thought I was prepared for it. But this change was a rude awakening. All night long. Repeatedly.

SLEEPING

Sleeping before I had kids:

It was simple. I slept.

This is what sleeping is like now, after having kids:

I don’t sleep. And now you can skip the next chapter because you already know what happens.

I really should write this chapter but I’m too tired. The end.

(Do you think I could get away with this? I’m not lazy. I’m succinct!)

All parents complain about the lack of sleep. Why? Because they all lack sleep.

BABIES DON’T SLEEP

Actually, babies do sleep. A lot. They just do it all wrong.

When Crappy Boy was a newborn, his days and nights were mixed up. This went on for weeks.

Our pediatrician suggested we try to keep him awake during the day to encourage him to sleep at night. Sounded logical. Babies do not give a shit about logic.

No matter what we did to show him that daytime was exciting, he slept. And then all night long he was ready to party:

I know you seasoned parents are squirming in your seats, yelling at me through these pages to, “Sleep when the baby sleeps!” Whatever. No moms ever do this with their first baby because they are too busy looking at the darn thing:

Why didn’t I sleep?!

Of course three years later, when Crappy Baby was born, I knew better. I most certainly was going to sleep when the baby slept. Except that I had Crappy Boy to take care of so that was actually impossible. In other words, that advice is lame. Stop giving that advice.

(You may have heard rumors that some babies sleep through the night right away. Just so you know, these are probably lies told by old people to make sure that people keep having babies. If you do have one of those sleeping babies, do not tell anyone! They’ll either be jealous or they won’t trust you. Or worse. See Crappy Law #41 in Chapter 10.)

PRODUCTS TO HELP TRICK KIDS TO SLEEP

Sleep is such a tiring problem (Ha! You see what I did there?) that there are a whole slew of products you can purchase to help alleviate it. It is a huge industry and probably grosses, like, a lot of money each year.

When Crappy Boy was three months old, he was very particular about where he would sleep. He’d be in a very, very deep sleep. So I’d gently, gently lay him down in the co-sleeper right next to our bed:

And he’d wake up. Every time.

The co-sleeper morphed into an overpriced nursing pillow holder. We also had a beautiful crib that he hated. It stored blankets really well. And the cats found it to be quite comfy. They were pretty pissed when we eventually sold it.

We bought swaddling blankets, thinking that they would trick him into thinking he was actually being held or something. The blankets resembled baby straightjackets, but he’d rip his way out of them in about ten seconds:

And he’d be extra pissed, like the Hulk busting out of his too-tight shirt.

And that was all we bought. Surprised? Well, we also had a white noise machine, soothing music, soothing lights, a swing and a hammock thing. But we didn’t purchase any of those. They were all given to us by other parents who had already found them to be useless.

The only thing that was actually effective at tricking my babies into sleeping was not something money could buy. It was me. Well, actually it was my milk-producing nipple pacifiers. But we’ll say it was me because that sounds cozy.

WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO (NOT) SLEEP AT NIGHT

Then Crappy Baby came along and my not-sleeping habits changed again. Here’s what a typical night was like for a while.

We’d climb in bed at 9:00 p.m….