I don’t know how Pam handles all of those speed dates and blind dates, and then picks herself up when it all goes horribly wrong. I mean, imagine! The stench of aftershave and sweat and desperation. Trying to summarise my entire life story into the allocated three minutes before the bell rings. Impossible!
And just think how cringey online dating would be! I don’t even know the language. GSH and WLTM? Not a clue! And I’d have to do up one of those mortifying profiles and everything. Pam told me that they expect snazzy pictures and quippy descriptions. ‘If you like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain’ is a bit cheesy, although I do enjoy a good cocktail, it must be said.
Then of course there’s the Lonely Hearts columns. Look, if I absolutely had to, my advert would look like this.
WANTED: 6’5 hunk, uncanny resemblance to Patrick Swayze. Available for wedding fairs and cake tasting. Good Sense of Humour, ridiculously wealthy, enjoys Dirty Dancing (the movie and the actual dancing), chocolate and shopping. Contact me for endless celebrity gossip and copious amounts of wine.
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