A Mum For Amy

She clamped her tongue between her teeth to keep from divulging more. She didn’t like Alaina’s husband, Gil. He might be a brilliant, prominent pediatric surgeon, but Maggie thought him overbearing and a complete snob. And the few times she’d been around him, he’d been so bossy with Alaina. Of course, that hardly differed from the way her parents had always treated her sister, but it seemed a little unfair that Alaina should have gone from one domineering household to another.

But…maybe Alaina, never much for taking chances or bucking authority, liked it that way.

She led Maggie down a long hallway. Finally, she came to a door, opened it, and stepped aside. “I redecorated the back bedrooms a few months ago. I hope you like yours. I don’t care if it is all last year’s colors.”

Maggie had been about to make a playfully snarky remark about being stuck with “last year’s colors,” but when she stepped into the room, the beauty of it took her breath away. The furniture didn’t match, but actually worked together instead of looking like a hodgepodge. Cream and rose hues, with a touch of green for accent. All the soft colors of a Victorian garden party. The curtains at the tall windows were real lace, billowing an invitation in the soft breeze.

Noting Maggie’s silence, Alaina said, “Do you think it’s too girly? Gil refuses to put any of his relatives in here.”

Maggie turned to face her sister. “Al, it’s gorgeous. You really did miss your calling. You shouldn’t have let Mom and Dad talk you out of a degree in interior design.”

Alaina shook her head. “That was just a silly dream. I didn’t really have enough imagination to sustain that kind of career. So now I’m exactly who I should be.”

Maggie frowned a little. And who was that?

She didn’t know her sister all that well anymore. They had always been very different people, but as the years had gone by, the gap had widened. They certainly didn’t have mutual friends and interests, or kids or husbands. Just their parents.

And Alaina knew better than to encourage that particular point of connection.

Maggie turned back to the room, feeling a tightness in her chest, regretting that she and her sister had become so distant. She made the sudden, impassioned decision that from now on she would try to rectify that, try harder to be a real friend to Alaina.

She rolled her weekender to the bed and hefted it on top. Alaina went into hostess mode, pointing out the bathroom and a basket of high-end toiletries that put Maggie’s hotel freebies to shame. She promised to bring more hangers if Maggie needed them. Would she like scented ones?

Maggie had to laugh. “I don’t think I’ll need more. I usually drape my good clothes over a chair and ball up everything else in a corner.”

“Even after all these years?” Alaina asked. “Mom would be horrified.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve shocked her. Or Dad, either.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

Maggie gave her sister a wry smile. “Don’t start. That’s just the way it is. We’re pleasant to one another. I still love them. Didn’t I come up for Dad’s retirement party? We’re just not destined to be close.”

Alaina went to the windows and fiddled with the curtains while Maggie unzipped her bag. Somewhere in the distance she could hear wind chimes tinkling sweet notes.

“Are you going to stop by to see them?” Alaina asked, still intent on the drapes.

“I doubt it. I only need to stay a couple of days.”

“Mom would probably like to see you. Since Dad’s retired he doesn’t have enough to do, and she says he drives her crazy.”

“I can imagine,” Maggie replied. It wasn’t hard to picture her father trying to rearrange her mother’s household chores or deciding on the spur of the moment to remodel the family room. “Maybe I’ll swing by for an hour or two on my way out of town.”

Maggie visited Connie and James Tillman mostly out of obligation now. She still considered herself a dutiful daughter. But when she came up to see them, their time together was deliberately brief. Her parents were better taken in small doses, and there was a coolness to all of their interactions, as though they were guests she’d only just met at a party and not the people who’d raised her.

She pulled a blouse out of her suitcase, shaking out the wrinkles. From the corner of her eye, she was aware of her sister turning from the window.

“I wish things could have been different,” Alaina said suddenly.

“Different how?”

“You know. About the baby.”

Maggie looked up. Alaina, never comfortable talking about unpleasant family history, seldom mentioned those early days when Maggie had discovered she was pregnant.

Her sister grimaced. “I wish I’d tried harder to make them see how wrong they were back then. It’s true Gil and I were eager for kids, but letting Mom and Dad persuade me to take your baby wasn’t the answer. I should have told them no right away instead of allowing them to browbeat you for days.”

Maggie let the blouse drop from her hands. She could hear the sudden anguish in her sister’s voice. How long had Alaina been wanting to say this?

In dismay, Maggie said, “It wouldn’t have mattered if they had gone on at me for a month. There was just no way I could bear to end up being Aunt Maggie, living on the outskirts of my own child’s life. But I don’t blame you, Al. At the time, they thought it was a perfectly sensible solution, and you couldn’t have refused.”

Their eyes met, and immediately Alaina’s looked elsewhere, leaving a brief burn of barely concealed shame. “I know they hurt you,” she said. “I should have taken your side. But I’m not a fighter and never have been. I don’t like…confrontation. Arguing is so…”

“Fight phobia.”

Alaina’s gaze swung back to her. “What?”

Maggie gave her a small smile of understanding, hoping to lighten the mood. “Back in high school. That’s what Zack used to call it when I’d complain because you wouldn’t take a stand with me against Mom and Dad. Fight phobia.”

Maggie came around the bed to go to her sister’s side. Gently, she squeezed Alaina’s arm and drew her closer. “It’s all right. Everything worked out for the best.”

“Did it?” Alaina asked, looking uncertain. “I want a child so badly. I don’t know how you reached that point where you could—” She colored suddenly. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I’m not judging you.”

“You couldn’t possibly judge me more harshly than I do myself sometimes.” Maggie felt a sudden, tight thickness at the back of her throat. Talking about children—particularly the fact that she didn’t have any—always made things difficult. Maybe it was time to change the subject. She touched Alaina’s cheek. “Are you and Gil still trying for a baby?” she asked quickly, hoping that her sister wouldn’t notice anything wrong with her voice.

“Not so much anymore. We’ve done everything the doctors say. But after nine years, you start to think…”

“Maybe you need to spice things up a bit. I hear the Internet has all kinds of Web sites where you can buy—”

“Mag!”

“Oh, good grief. How can sex make you blush after nine years of marriage?”

“There are some things that are just too personal to discuss.”

Maggie waved that away. If she was really going to try to strengthen her relationship with Alaina, she might as well start now. “Between sisters? Nonsense. Ask me anything. I guarantee I’m long past the blushing stage, and very few things make me uncomfortable anymore.”

Alaina gave her a searching look. “Do you ever think about your baby?”

Maggie blinked rapidly. She could not hold Alaina’s gaze, not even for a second. Something inside her just couldn’t manage it.

She had the quick vision of her daughter’s face as the clinic’s midwife had placed the baby in her arms. All red and unhappy and helpless as she wailed. And then gone, so suddenly. It had only been a moment. How could she explain to Alaina that such a tiny fragment of time still made her brain and her heart burn like brimstone?

“Every day of my life,” Maggie said carefully. “I’ve second-guessed that decision from the moment I made it and wondered what my life would be like if I hadn’t. What she might look like now, as a little girl.”

The silence between them thickened, then Maggie straightened her spine, determined to be brisk. “But it’s easier to find solutions when your stomach is full and you aren’t sleeping in your car. When I showed up on Zack’s doorstep, I honestly didn’t know how I could manage with a baby. They need so much.” She grimaced. “So I just made the best choice for her that I could. At least what I thought would be best.”

“You should have gone to Will,” Alaina said softly. “I always liked him. I think he would have helped you.”