The Disappearance

‘Thank you,’ said the captain. He bowed his head; looked up again after a respectful pause. I felt the thump of the music from outside. ‘With the engines on full power, we should make Venice by dawn. I’m obliged to inform local police we have one passenger lost at sea. They will come aboard. They will talk to you. In a case like this, it is a formality.’ He removed his captain’s hat, held it to his chest, his eyes closed again for a second. ‘I am sorry for your loss.’

PART I (#ulink_7ef3d9e1-9b7c-5849-8830-8ce606fc617a)

December 1970 (#ulink_40fbb62e-2d5e-5f1e-95bd-68d1e7ec44da)

Tilbury, England (#ulink_40fbb62e-2d5e-5f1e-95bd-68d1e7ec44da)

Audrey Bailey is on deck as the SS Oriana finally begins to ease her way backwards out of the dock. Someone’s given her a streamer, but she’s holding it clenched in her fist as she stands cheek by jowl with the other passengers and stares silently at the crowds on the quay. Everyone’s waving flags, calling and shouting to friends and relatives. A band’s playing onshore, and she can hear the rousing rhythm of sea shanties. The din is unbearable.

Then, as Audrey stares at the mass of humanity below, she catches sight of something that takes her breath away; the shape of a man, the colour of his hair, and the way he moves his arm as he waves a white hankie at the ship. Reflexively, Audrey raises her hand and waves back, knowing even as she does that it can’t be; it can’t be her father.

‘Bye,’ she mouths, the words silent on her lips. ‘Bye Daddy.’

Audrey’s hand remains in the air for a second or two as she turns her eyes to the sky, overcome with emotion. Then she turns abruptly and pushes her way back through the crowds, no longer willing to witness the ship’s departure. She walks until she finds a deck that’s less populated, sinks into a deckchair and tries simply to exist. All that is her, all that is Audrey Bailey, is gone. Her body is a shell, the softness inside her decimated. She sits in the deckchair for a long time, her head bowed; her eyes closed, just breathing. In, out, in, out, in, out. If I do this enough, she thinks, this day will end. And then I will do the same tomorrow. I will get through this. One day at a time.

Oblivious to her surroundings, Audrey does nothing but exist.

After some time – maybe an hour; maybe more – Audrey feels the rhythm of the engines move up a notch; she senses faster movement. She opens her eyes slowly and looks up. Her hair’s whipped by a fresh breeze and she sees that the ship’s already at sea. Slowly, she walks to the railing and stares down at the murky grey-brown water.

There are plenty more fish in the sea.

Audrey tries to see through the water; tries to seek out something – anything – of the sea life that must swim far beneath the shipping lane.

So where are they – these famous fish? If I had a penny … Audrey shakes her head to stop the thought. She’s had it so many times she doesn’t even need to complete the sentence: if she had a penny for every time some well-meaning person’s given her arm a sympathetic rub and told her that Patrick ‘clearly wasn’t the right one for you, dear’ and that there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea’, she’d have been able to afford proper nursing care for her dad, and given herself a bit of a break. Maybe then Patrick would have stayed. It’s a circular thought; one that’s now so familiar it’s become part of the fabric of her being.

Audrey looks up. In the distance she can see land. It’s still England, she presumes, and she feels a curious detachment from the leaving of her homeland for the first time in her life. There’s nothing there for you anymore, she tells herself. Nothing. She’s adjusted as much as anyone can to losing her mother at a young age; now her father – her rock – has gone, too: a stroke, a painfully slow recovery, and then another, massive stroke.

Audrey swallows a sob. Since the funeral, Audrey’s been haunted by dreams –cruel dreams in which both her parents are still alive—and then she wakes, sweating, in the early hours, plagued by the terror that she’s suddenly alone in the world. But, rather than lie in bed panicking, Audrey’s learned to get up – at 3.30 a.m., at 4 a.m. – and to pace the worn-out carpet of her rented studio. She tries to outwalk the fear of being alone: no parents, no fiancé, no plans, no life.

Now, standing on the deck of SS Oriana, she takes a deep breath. Her life is changing. Changing for the better. She rummages in her coat pocket and pulls out an aerogramme, the thin paper covered in loops of blobby blue biro.

‘Dear Audrey,’ she reads, although she’s read it so many times, spent so many nights thinking about it, she knows it off by heart. ‘My parents told me about your father. I know we haven’t been in touch for a while, but I wanted to reach out and let you know I’m thinking of you. I’m so sorry. I just can’t imagine what you must be feeling.

‘I hear you’re a legal secretary in London. I always knew you’d get a good job: you were always top of the class. I’m based in Bombay now – yes, Bombay! I know! I work for a shipping firm and I like it here very much. But what I wanted to say is if you ever feel a need to get away; if things get too much for you in England, come to India. The P&O line sails to Bombay from Tilbury and Southampton. I’d love to see you – and sometimes a change of scene can really help.

‘Much love, Janet’

Audrey looks up from the letter, a picture of Janet’s face in her mind’s eye. Dear, sweet Janet. It’s fate, Audrey thinks. She has the sense that, somehow, from beyond the grave, her father has pulled strings to get this invitation to her because sailing to India is the right thing for her to do. Her parents met and married in Bombay and Audrey’s grown up with stories about this exotic land of palm trees and British buses, of chai wallahs and Rupees – she’s always felt a pull. So, yes, today Audrey is sailing away from England. It might just be for a holiday – but, equally, it might be forever.

November, 2012 (#ulink_1883eabb-47d4-51c2-8fed-4565ec386c1f)

Truro, Cornwall (#ulink_1883eabb-47d4-51c2-8fed-4565ec386c1f)

It started the day Mum crashed her car. It was a Saturday morning and the rain was coming down so hard it didn’t look real; it was special-effect, Hollywood rain. Outside the supermarket, but still undercover, I stood for a moment and surveyed the scene: the clouds were so low they looked like they were trying to land on the trees. The tarmac was slick with rain, and cars circled like sharks, wipers swishing as their drivers hunted for somewhere to park – it was nearly lunchtime and, inside, the supermarket had been teeming.

Already I was tired, feeling a little faint; hoping with all my heart that the faintness could mean something other than my having skipped breakfast. With my mind on the tiny life that I wanted so badly to believe was growing in my belly, I took a deep breath and, shopping bags banging my shins, dashed in the direction of my car, fat drops of rain plastering my hair to my head. By the time I reached the row where my car was parked I was soaked. A car crawled at my heels, eager for my space, and I jerked my head towards where my car was, willing the driver to be patient.

I opened the boot and threw the shopping bags in, slammed down the lid, and slid into the driver’s seat, trying to shrug off my wet coat as I went. I fastened my seatbelt, started the engine, shifted gear, then put the car into reverse. The phone rang and my body reacted viscerally: a quickened pulse, a catch of my breath. I’d waited all morning for a call from the doctor.

My eyes snapped to the dashboard display: not the doctor. John.

‘Really?’ I sighed. I almost didn’t pick up, scared I’d miss the doctor’s call if I did. But John must be calling for a reason; my twin never phoned just for a chat. With a sigh, I tapped the Bluetooth to connect and started to reverse the car out of the space.

‘Lex? Is that you?’ John’s voice filled the car. ‘I’ve been trying you for ages.’

‘I’m out,’ I said. ‘What’s up? Is Mum okay?’

‘Well, that’s why I’m calling.’

Out of the parking space, I eased the car through the congested car park and onto the road.

‘What? What’s happened? Is she okay?’

‘She’s had a car accident.’

‘Oh my God! Is she all right?’

‘I’ve just spent half the night and most of this morning at the hospital. But she’s all right. Ish.’

‘What do you mean “ish”? She’s either okay or she’s not okay!’ My voice rose.

‘She’s fine. No broken bones. It happened late last night. I tried to call you but your phone was off. What were you thinking letting her drive back from Truro so late? You should have asked her to stay – or at least dropped her off yourself!’

Mum and I had gone to an exhibition of old photos of India the night before. I hadn’t seen the attraction myself, but Mum had lived there for a bit when she was younger and still got a bit misty-eyed about it. She’d asked me to go with her, given it was within walking distance of my house. John had refused point-blank to drive her up from St Ives; I’d half-heartedly offered to come down and pick her up but she’d insisted on driving herself and, distracted by the thought I might finally be pregnant, I’d given in – way too easily, I realised now.

‘I did ask her to stay! When I realised how late it was, I asked her to stay! She refused. You know what she’s like.’

John tutted. ‘At the very least, you could have kept your phone on.’

I started to argue then remembered that the battery had gone flat and I’d fallen into bed exhausted when I’d got back, forgetting to put it on to charge. Mark and I didn’t have a landline.

‘Oh God,’ I said. ‘Flat battery.’

‘Well, that’s very convenient,’ said John. ‘So it was me they called in the middle of the night. They took her to hospital. Kept her in overnight.’

‘You said she was okay! Why did she have to stay in?’

‘She hit her head; strained her neck; got a few bruises. They just wanted to observe her.’

‘Did you stay with her?’

‘No. She didn’t want me to. Anyway, they discharged her this morning on condition that someone stays with her tonight. She’s been in shock and may have whiplash. They don’t want her to be alone.’

‘Okay.’ I waited for John to tell me he was going to stay with Mum. It made sense given how much closer he lived.

‘So, that’s why I’m ringing,’ he said. ‘Can you come?’

‘Me?’