White Squad

– The Force, the Energy, the Good, the Bad, what is the reason for this certainty that things are governed in this way? I've been at my limit since I saw your father like that. He does not deserve it, he has always been a person filled with the best possible intentions, one of the most humanitarian people I have ever seen, but the faithful, “fearful of God”, do not think like this. All the good that happens to them is due to Him and not to their ability to work, to have struggled to raise a daughter and make her finish university with his daily life sweat. University books? Expensive, Roland Barthes, the English and French dictionaries, computer classes, TV direction and film script courses.

– I know what you did for me. You even left the Fine Arts course to continue working in the store.

– It was a more than just cause, but when your father leaves the hospital I will review this part of my life. All that that is happening is a shock that I have to overcome, but he is alive and survived a direct collision, on foot, with a car. This is luck.

– I went to the police station and did some research if there was an accident that day, something that had the characteristics of the pick-up truck that crossed the road and ran over Dad, but there was no similar occurrence. What weighs in all this is disinformation. In the countryside, everything is so slow and backwards that I don't think I'll ever discover anything. And whoever ran dad over never stopped to help. It's unacceptable what people do for fear of getting involved, and this guy had to go to jail for it. We have to find out who is responsible, it is not possible that nobody saw anything, there were houses close to the highway, some witnesses are probably ...

– Leave your journalist instinct for the moment, because finding out who hit him won't help, I´m sorry.

– Love Instinct, daughter's love, and Justice. I am very close to Dad and besides, you know that I cannot turn a blind eye to events.

– And I can't think of anything except his image, full of probes and devices, poor thing. Immobilized, sedated, full of pumps. I wanted to talk to him so badly so he wouldn't feel alone.

Roberta pours into tears. Tati stops the vehicle on the shoulder and hugs her. The two mix their tears for a few minutes.

– You should stop being the world´s mother. Dad is strong and I am fully independent. Think about yourself now, about traveling more, seeing the works of art you like in loco, getting out of the routine. But, by plane, please. What I am trying to tell you is that it is enough sacrifice already. It's time to look inside you, resume painting, take care of the wounds you treated with patched cloths. Trust the doctors, they have sworn an oath and have a responsibility to life, at least to the people who give their lives to them.

Roberta smiles for the first time. Tati rejoices, because she always felt guilty: how many times she got home late at night after college and when she put her key in the door she heard her voice, warning about the food in the oven: roasted meat with vegetables, together with a recommendation. "Do not forget the salad because vegetables are essential for those who study a lot, it helps memory". The journalist was always amused, from the top of her heels and also a few beers, either from the mention of studying or the difficulty degree found in journalism universities in Brazil.

In a hotel room in Chartreuse, snow begins to foam on the window, confusing day with night. The snow lightening the night and the popping of ice on the glass resemble the sensation from those children´s snow globes, when we shook them and it happened to snow on Santa's sleigh.

A child's dream in Brazil has always been about snow. But the doctor never shied away from dreaming and very high. For her, "the day" would come, even when the feeling of an annihilated dream overrode the routine in hospitals. The change was happening precisely due to the losses.

At first, when a patient died on hospital shifts, she weakened inside. It was the rule, for a new and recently graduated doctor, to hear "one day you will get used to it". It has become almost a joint statement. And it is true, because she learned to work with layers in her mind, a pleasant replacement. She replaced the nightmare with the magical drink at night. A maximum of two glasses of wine, liqueur and, occasionally, a 12 year old scotch to celebrate. On call, “that was my ordeal”, she told her closest friends, in fact, lovers. Here is the second layer. There was no heterosexual friend she hadn't slept with. It was like it had become an obligation. No Sadomasochist, just a woman who turned sex into a common sport, "cheap", as she said. Afterwards, she chose to pay for professionals, precisely for “an unquestionable advantage. They are discreet, do not listen and only say what I want. I conclude that I do well ”– she thinks, while enjoying herself in the hotel room with Cadú.

They play their favorite game: treasure hunt: a hundred dollar bill anywhere in the room, always well hidden in a dark place. Cadú begins his investigation in the shoe rack, full of twenty high-priced pairs of Italian suede. They all have the same model, an expensive whim that he has been feeding lately, thanks to the generosity of others, namely Lyanne. By the way, the redhead does have fun ...]

– Come here and see if you can find the little treasure right here. Do you know where it is? Come fishing – points under the sheet.

– You will not regret it!

– Only if you're fishing with your tongue ... – she suggests, maliciously.

– That's how you want it, Lyanninha, hoisting the treasure from deep inside, isn't it?

Cadú dives in her legs. Every great pleasure has an end and a reward. The doctor is reluctant against instant pleasures, but after it happens, it is final. A long orgasm and she reveals the hundred dollar bill in her hand. He's worthy. Voilá.

The medical team is unanimous about the serious state of the shooting victim who just arrived at the hospital's emergency. Conrado makes his considerations while examining the extent of the wound in Gil's abdomen cavity. The nurse indicates there is a vacancy at the ICU.

The rescue helicopter lands on top of the building. The assistants transport the stretcher with João Henrique to the interior of the hospital, towards the ICU.

The last spot is occupied by the shot man. Gil is being prepared to receive the monitoring devices. The stretcher with João Henrique arrives at the door, but is stopped by the head nurse, warning that there is no availability. Confusion arises with the approach of a group of assistants to watch the scene – or rather – learn which decision will be made. The doctor on call is the one who will ultimately resolve it.

Conrado is called to the intercom and appears in a few moments sporting his usual air of absolute tranquility. Lucia asks for his attention.

– It's an embarrassing situation, doctor. The ICU is already full with twenty-six patients.

– You have to wait or transfer the last patient. What is the doubt?

– It seems the administration does not recommend it.

– How so? Order of arrival, this is the rule.

– The one who arrived first is shot.

The nurse informs about the reason for such recommendation: the Health Plan status. Conrado understands the situation: a question of values, the Health Plan is superior.

– And what is the second patient´s state?

– Rib fracture and lung perforation.

– Let me see both files. João Henrique Nogueira, 60, stable. Transferred from Teresópolis. The other one...

Conrado receives the message with the recommendation in favor to the hit and run patient. The doctor communicates the decision to remove the shot man from the ICU and "place the insured one, that is, the 60-year-old patient. Matter of age ”.

Gil is abandoned in the corridor and the nurses transfer the tube and artificial respirator to the new patient. João Henrique receives first care at the ICU. Fate hangs on the balance: who will survive?

The question´s echo does not survive in Conrado´s mind, watching a TV shopping channel in the call room.

Conrado has adapted. Back int he day, he was an idealist in his profession. The son of dedicated doctor Miguel Conrado Connor operated on insects as a child. He started by capturing beetles on his father's farm. Conradinho amputated the beetles' legs and recovered them with improvised prostheses made from matchstick barbs. Miguel always guided him on Medicine, he used to say that Medicine was not limited to a promising profession, but to humanitarian work. As a matter of fact, he wanted to be a veterinarian. “One day I will save all the animals”, he dreamed. At the age of eight, he already had skills. He took care of Mimi, a gecko with a cut tail. Conradinho had fixed it with a band-aid using eyebrow tweezers. The patient was kept in a soluble coffee glass with a roof adapted from a perforated red plastic lid, in order to provide ventilation. Conradinho visited her every morning in a sacred ritual. He picked up the house inside his church shoes box in the closet, and, when Mimi reacted, it was a relief. “How cute, she's dancing, she's happy!”, He vibrated. Feeding was solved thanks to the food he kept in a matchbox containing live insects. One day, Mimi was not interested. He found her dry with her belly up, she was his first patient to die. He vowed never to treat animals again. He isolated himself inside the closet and his parents never knew what happened, much less that their son was sensitive.

Well, nowadays, death still lingers in the doctor's mind, however in an uncompromising way. General practitioner, Conrado specialized in oncology by his own choice. Some of the old people who attend his private practice three times a week are already gone. Conrado always advises his patients that "cancer is not only physical, it is the pain of the soul, sadness, anguish and loneliness".

– But who doesn't have these problems? – questioned his mother, whom even he couldn't save.

That day, back in the 90s, in a hospital bed, he noticed death showing his compassionate face. He never forgot the expression in his mother's eyes, asleep on the horizon, and how they seemed inert and opaque, so far away. Darkness took over his heart for many years, without medicine, without a cure, without the soul he once sought in his actions.

“Now it's boredom: fame and money. Every kind of rite of passage results in a change in behavior and that's the way it is, it settles, Conrado ”, he repeats to himself until the nurse enters with a new emergency.

Wagner looks 40-something years old thanks to his long hair with almost no gray, in a pure rock singer biotype. Nervous, he has an eyebrow twitch as if transmitting in a special Morse Code.

– The pain is here, in the chest, a sharp pain. I was playing soccer with friends and felt my heart.

– Do you smoke? Do you use any medication?

– No, just pot.. and lightly ...

– Wagner, let's do this – the nurses laugh in secrecy, but the doctor remains discreet. – We will apply a medication to normalize your heartbeat. Initially, it seems like an extra systole, but I need to confront the exams first.

– No problem, Doctor Conrado, I can take a leave for a few days. I'm a musician. I don't have a wife or children, I'm a loose animal in life.

Conrado decides to proceed to a complete check-up and leaves the room avoiding an “immature” explanation as a response. On the way to his office, he is commonly checked out by the infirmary girls, including Carminha, responsible for his nickname, "Doc Cock", Conrado checks them out discretely, but she continues to look at him as a divine delicacy. The doctor responds the gesture by stroking his red Lamy in his lab coat pocket as a sign of his potency, leaving a trail of testosterone. The rumors that he likes all kinds of sex genders, numbers and degrees, make the subject much more interesting for Carminha.

– Everything that is consented between sexual partners is ok – Carminha states. – Girls, this has become a thing of the past: sex for three, group, tribal. Have you read Erica Jong in your life? I bet you never read anything but self-help books. A woman who doesn’t act on her sex fantasies is problematic, see? And that does nothing but get her fat!

Carminha is never limited in this regard, her famous stories are told at times, when the emergency room is not very busy. Speaking of which, lately she has been dwelling on the development of her pure pleasure theory. The nurse uses a refined technique and introduces the secrets of pompoirism to colleagues hidden behind the counter.

– Gently place one at a time. It is necessary to learn to control yourself completely and introduce the balls little by little. When you feel that you are already full, expel one by one. The feeling inside is like being particularly lubricated. As the air bubbles come out, a small vacuum occurs inside the vagina. At each round, the feeling gets greater and longer, better even than coming through traditional ways.