For The Love Of Sara

“No, it wasn’t the Colonel,” said Sara thoughtfully. “I heard them talking at the hospital. This man said: Where is she? and a woman said: Who? and this man said: The little cripple. I heard them.”

“Oh, Sara, they might not have been talking about you,” exclaimed Rachel, and Joel said: “What hospital, Sara?”

“The hospital in Whitstone,” she answered. “I go every —”

“That will do, Sara,” Rachel interrupted her, her face burning now. “Joel, don’t you think you’ve said enough —”

“I want to know more about this!” he muttered, scowling, but she spread her hands.

“Joel, please. Don’t make trouble, I beg of you!”

“What’s the matter, Mummy?” Sara had sensed that the two adults were not sympathetic to one another and she scowled at Joel. “Why are you looking at Mummy like that?” she demanded fiercely. “Why did you come here? You’re not my friend. You’re only pretending. I don’t even like you!”

“Sara!” Rachel was forced to put a restraining hand on the little girl’s shoulder. “Sara, that was rude. Tell — tell Mr. Kingdom you’re sorry at once.”

“I don’t have to!”

Shrugging off her mother’s hand, Sara went across the room to where several dolls were upended in a small metal pram. Joel watched the child closely and Rachel found herself watching Joel, gauging his reactions. What did he think of her, this child who until today he had not even known existed? Did he find her unattractive? Was he disappointed that she was not a chubby pink and white creature, with doll-like eyes and curling hair? Yet Sara had so much more to offer — her loyalty and affection, her agile mind and undoubted intelligence, and most of all — that wealth of love which until now had been directed solely towards Rachel herself. For a moment Rachel allowed herself to wonder how Sara might react if she ever learned that Joel Kingdom was the father she believed dead. A grown-up Sara might find it unacceptable that Rachel had kept this fact from her over the years. Would she understand that because of what Joel had done, because of his irresponsibility her mother had found herself in the ignominious position of carrying a child inside her which its father would hate if he found out? Could she be expected to appreciate Rachel’s fears at that time, or would the mature Sara feel sympathy in another direction? The idea was so unpalatable that Rachel could barely suppress the sob that rose inside her. She allowed her thoughts to go no further. She wanted nothing from Joel Kingdom, nothing at all. Not even for Sara’s sake.

There was silence for several minutes and then Joel spoke. “This blood deficiency — how serious is it?”

Rachel turned away, rubbing her palms together. “I — I’ve told you. She’ll get better.”

“Has she seen a specialist?”

“She’s seen several, as a matter of fact.” She forced a shrug. “She’s not unique. There will be other children exactly like her.” That at least was the truth.

“But they’re not my children!” Joel muttered harshly.

“Nor is Sara your child!” retorted Rachel huskily. “She’s mine, and don’t you forget it!”

“I don’t forget anything.” His voice was cold. “I have never forgotten anything to do with you!”

“Forgive me if I find that very hard to believe.”

His jaw hardened. “Rachel, Sara is my child just as much as she is yours, and that’s an inescapable fact! Your motives for keeping her identity a secret are your own, of course, but I doubt they’d stand a deal of questioning in a court of law!”

“A court of law!” Rachel turned on him then. “You dare to talk to me of courts of law! A great deal Sara has meant to you, hasn’t she?” she hissed, and then glanced apprehensively at the child in case her words had carried across the space between them. But thankfully, Sara was engrossed with her toys.

“What was I supposed to do?” he asked grimly. “I’m not a mind-reader, Rachel.” He glared at her. “I’ve told you already — how the hell was I supposed to guess that you might be pregnant?”

“You didn’t care one way or the other!”

“You don’t know that!”

“But you didn’t want to marry me after — afterwards, did you, Joel?” she accused.

Joel’s face darkened then as the warm colour rushed beneath the tan. “Rachel, if I had known —”

“Oh, yes. If you had known I was pregnant, things would have been different then, wouldn’t they? What would you have suggested, I wonder? Adoption — or an abortion?”

Joel was taking a step towards her when the door of the living room suddenly opened and Andrew Hanson stood on the threshold.

“Rachel? I thought I heard voices — oh!” He saw Joel.

Rachel managed a faint smile. “Th-that’s all right, Andrew,” she assured him awkwardly. “I — er — Mr. Kingdom was just — going. He — he wanted to meet Sara, didn’t you, Joel?”

Joel thrust his hands into his trousers pockets, his expression hostile. “I didn’t know I was just going, Rachel. We haven’t finished our — er — business yet, have we?”

Rachel’s eyes implored his acquiescence, but Joel was not in a mood to accept it. Andrew Hanson’s face mirrored his curiosity, but he manfully concealed it as he said: “I just thought I’d let you know, Rachel, the Colonel’s awake and waiting for his tea.”

“Oh, thank you.” Rachel nodded her head jerkily. For the past few minutes she had almost forgotten the present in the disturbing reality of the past. She forced herself to look at Joel. “You’ll have to go now, Joel. I — er — I have my work to attend to.”

Joel looked at her, then at Andrew Hanson, and then round at Sara who was regarding all of them with the same degree of opposition. “I — er — I think I’ll stay here with Sara,” he said, much to her dismay. “You go ahead. Attend to your duties. I’ll look after Sara.”

“No, Mummy.” Sara ran across the room to hide her face against Rachel’s legs. “I don’t want to stay here with him. I want to come with you.”

Andrew Hanson frowned. “Don’t distress yourself, Sara. No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to. Naturally Mr. Kingdom won’t stay —”

“I suggest you mind your own business, Hanson,” said Joel coldly. “This has nothing to do with you.”

“Oh, Joel, please!”

Rachel tried to appeal to him, but Joel ignored her. “Will you leave us, Hanson, or do you want to be forcibly ejected?” he asked offensively, and the younger man turned and walked away, calling over his shoulder that he would see what the Colonel had to say about this.

“Oh, Joel!” Rachel stared at him across Sara’s little body. “What are you trying to prove? Go away. Go away now before you do any more damage.”

“It’s time you realised you can’t bury your head in the sand any more, Rachel!” he bit out savagely. “My God, do you really think I’m going to leave it here? You still haven’t told me why you’re marrying my father. And I mean to know. There’s more to this than convenience.”

Rachel closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them again. “I don’t have the time to discuss it with you, Joel.”

“So what do I do? Stay in the village until you do?”

“No. No.” She shook her head. “All right, if you must know, I’m moving to London next week. Your — your father has found me an apartment to stay in until — until we’re married. He thinks it will be better for Sara. To see more of him. And — and afterwards — afterwards I suppose we’ll be living a-abroad.”