Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

Joey Chamberlain's orchid's a bit overblown,
Between you and me and the Post!

(This is rather subtle, perhaps, but an M. – H. audience will see a joke in it somewhere, and laugh.)

'Ow to square a round table I'm sure he has shown.

(Same observation applies here.)

But of late he's been leaving his old friends alone,
And I fancy he's grinding an axe of his own,
Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

(We now pass on to Topics of the Day, which we treat in a light but trenchant fashion.)

On the noo County Councils they've too many nobs,
Between you and me and the Post!
For the swells stick together, and sneer at the mobs;
And it's always the rich man the poor one who robs.
We shall 'ave the old business – all jabber and jobs!
Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

(N.B. —This verse should not be read to the L. C. C. who might miss the fun of it.)

There's a new rule for ladies presented at Court,
Between you and me and the Post!
High necks are allowed, so no colds will be cort,
But I went to the droring-room lately, and thort
Some old wimmen had dressed quite as low as they ort!
Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

By fussy alarmists we're too much annoyed,
Between you and me and the Post!
If we don't want our neighbours to think we're afroid,
[M. – H. rhyme.
Spending dibs on defence we had better avoid.
And give 'em instead to the poor unemployed.
[M. – H. political economy.
Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

This style of perlitical singing ain't hard,
Between you and me and the Post!
As a "Mammoth Comique" on the bills I am starred,
And, so long as I'm called, and angcored, and hurrar'd,
I can rattle off rubbish like this by the yard,
Between you and me and the Post!

    [Chorus, and dance off to sing the same song—with or without alterations—in another place.

iii.– A DEMOCRATIC DITTY

The following example, although it gives a not wholly inadequate expression to what are understood to be the loftier aspirations of the most advanced and earnest section of the New Democracy, should not be attempted, as yet, before a West-End audience. In South or East London, the sentiment and philosophy of the song may possibly excite rapturous enthusiasm; in the West-End, though the tone is daily improving, they are not educated quite up to so exalted a level at present. Still, as an experiment in proselytism, it might be worth risking, even there. The title it bears is: —

GIVEN AWAY – WITH A POUND OF TEA!

Verse I. – (Introductory.)

Some Grocers have taken to keeping a stock
Of ornaments – such as a vase, or a clock —
With a ticket on each where the words you may see:
"To be given away – with a Pound of Tea!"

Chorus (in waltz time)

"Given away!"
That's what they say.
Gratis – a present it's offered you free.
Given away.
With nothing to pay,
"Given away – [tenderly] – with a Pound of Tea!"

Verse II. – (Containing the moral reflection.)

Now, the sight of those tickets gave me an idear.
What it set me a-thinking you're going to 'ear:
I thought there were things that would possibly be
Better given away – with a Pound of Tea!

Chorus– "Given away." So much as to say, &c

Verse III. – (This, as being rather personal than general in its application, may need some apology. It is really put in as a graceful concession to the taste of an average Music-hall audience, who like to be assured that the Artists who amuse them are as unfortunate as they are erratic in their domestic relations.)

Now, there's my old Missus who sits up at 'ome —
And when I sneak up-stairs my 'air she will comb, —
I don't think I'd call it bad business if she
Could be given away – with a Pound of Tea!

    Chorus– "Given away!" That's what they say, &c. [Mutatis mutandis.
Verse IV. – (Flying at higher game. The social satire here is perhaps almost too good-natured, seeing what intolerable pests all Peers are to the truly Democratic mind. But we must walk before we can run. Good-humoured contempt will do very well, for the present.)

Fair Americans snap up the pick of our Lords.
It's a practice a sensible Briton applords.

    [This will check any groaning at the mention of Aristocrats.

Far from grudging our Dooks to the pretty Yan-kee, —
(Magnanimously) Why, we'd give 'em away – with a Pound of Tea!

Chorus– Give 'em away! So we all say, &c