Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series

MERCHUTKINA. No, no, no… none of that!

KHIRIN. If you don’t get out this second, I’ll call for the hall-porter! Get out! [Stamping.]

MERCHUTKINA. Never mind, never mind! I’m not afraid! I’ve seen the like of you before! Miser!

KHIRIN. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more awful woman in my life… Ouf! It’s given me a headache… [Breathing heavily] I tell you once more… do you hear me? If you don’t get out of this, you old devil, I’ll grind you into powder! I’ve got such a character that I’m perfectly capable of laming you for life! I can commit a crime!

MERCHUTKINA. I’ve heard barking dogs before. I’m not afraid. I’ve seen the like of you before.

KHIRIN. [In despair] I can’t stand it! I’m ill! I can’t! [Sits down at his desk] They’ve let the Bank get filled with women, and I can’t finish my report! I can’t.

MERCHUTKINA. I don’t want anybody else’s money, but my own, according to law. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Sitting in a government office in felt boots…

[Enter SHIPUCHIN and TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Following her husband] We spent the evening at the Berezhnitskys. Katya was wearing a sky-blue frock of foulard silk, cut low at the neck… She looks very well with her hair done over her head, and I did her hair myself… She was perfectly fascinating…

SHIPUCHIN. [Who has had enough of it already] Yes, yes… fascinating… They may be here any moment…

MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency!

SHIPUCHIN. [Dully] What else? What do you want?

MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency! [Points to KHIRIN] This man… this man tapped the table with his finger, and then his head… You told him to look after my affair, but he insults me and says all sorts of things. I’m a weak, defenceless woman…

SHIPUCHIN. All right, madam, I’ll see to it… and take the necessary steps… Go away now… later on! [Aside] My gout’s coming on!

KHIRIN. [In a low tone to SHIPUCHIN] Andrey Andreyevitch, send for the hall-porter and have her turned out neck and crop! What else can we do?

SHIPUCHIN. [Frightened] No, no! She’ll kick up a row and we aren’t the only people in the building.

MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency.

KHIRIN. [In a tearful voice] But I’ve got to finish my report! I won’t have time! I won’t!

MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, when shall I have the money? I want it now.

SHIPUCHIN. [Aside, in dismay] A re-mark-ab-ly beastly woman! [Politely] Madam, I’ve already told you, this is a bank, a private, commercial concern.

MERCHUTKINA. Be a father to me, your excellency… If the doctor’s certificate isn’t enough, I can get you another from the police. Tell them to give me the money!

SHIPUCHIN. [Panting] Ouf!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [To MERCHUTKINA] Mother, haven’t you already been told that you’re disturbing them? What right have you?

MERCHUTKINA. Mother, beautiful one, nobody will help me. All I do is to eat and drink, and just now I didn’t enjoy my coffee at all.

SHIPUCHIN. [Exhausted] How much do you want?

MERCHUTKINA. 24 roubles 36 copecks.

SHIPUCHIN. All right! [Takes a 25-rouble note out of his pocket-book and gives it to her] Here are 25 roubles. Take it and… go!

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

MERCHUTKINA. I thank you very humbly, your excellency. [Hides the money.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Sits by her husband] It’s time I went home… [Looks at watch] But I haven’t done yet… I’ll finish in one minute and go away… What a time we had! Yes, what a time! We went to spend the evening at the Berezhnitskys… It was all right, quite fun, but nothing in particular… Katya’s devoted Grendilevsky was there, of course… Well, I talked to Katya, cried, and induced her to talk to Grendilevsky and refuse him. Well, I thought, everything’s, settled the best possible way; I’ve quieted mamma down, saved Katya, and can be quiet myself… What do you think? Katya and I were going along the avenue, just before supper, and suddenly… [Excitedly] And suddenly we heard a shot… No, I can’t talk about it calmly! [Waves her handkerchief] No, I can’t!

SHIPUCHIN. [Sighs] Ouf!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Weeps] We ran to the summer-house, and there… there poor Grendilevsky was lying… with a pistol in his hand…

SHIPUCHIN. No, I can’t stand this! I can’t stand it! [To MERCHUTKINA] What else do you want?

MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, can’t my husband go back to his job?

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Weeping] He’d shot himself right in the heart… here… And the poor man had fallen down senseless… And he was awfully frightened, as he lay there… and asked for a doctor. A doctor came soon… and saved the unhappy man…

MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency, can’t my husband go back to his job?

SHIPUCHIN. No, I can’t stand this! [Weeps] I can’t stand it! [Stretches out both his hands in despair to KHIRIN] Drive her away! Drive her away, I implore you!

KHIRIN. [Goes up to TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA] Get out of this!

SHIPUCHIN. Not her, but this one… this awful woman… [Points] That one!

KHIRIN. [Not understanding, to TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA] Get out of this! [Stamps] Get out!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. What? What are you doing? Have you taken leave of your senses?

SHIPUCHIN. It’s awful? I’m a miserable man! Drive her out! Out with her!

KHIRIN. [To TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA] Out of it! I’ll cripple you! I’ll knock you out of shape! I’ll break the law!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Running from him; he chases her] How dare you! You impudent fellow! [Shouts] Andrey! Help! Andrey! [Screams.]

SHIPUCHIN. [Chasing them] Stop! I implore you! Not such a noise? Have pity on me!

KHIRIN. [Chasing MERCHUTKINA] Out of this! Catch her! Hit her! Cut her into pieces!

SHIPUCHIN. [Shouts] Stop! I ask you! I implore you!

MERCHUTKINA. Little fathers… little fathers! [Screams] Little fathers!..

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Shouts] Help! Help!.. Oh, oh… I’m sick, I’m sick! [Jumps on to a chair, then falls on to the sofa and groans as if in a faint.]

KHIRIN. [Chasing MERCHUTKINA] Hit her! Beat her! Cut her to pieces!