The Couple’s Secret

‘You’ve got it in one. Totally bonkers, all of my family are. Though they think I’m stark raving mad for wanting to come here.’

I raised my eyebrows at this. Her accent was very upper class, but maybe that was just affected. Maybe she actually did come from a relatively normal family like mine. ‘Are you the first in your family to go to uni?’ I asked.

She looked at me as if I’d suddenly spoken to her in Japanese. ‘No, of course not. But they all went to sodding Cambridge. I’m the rebel who went to Oxford … well, Ernest and I. My brother, Ernest. We’re twins, but he is light years more intelligent than I am. Thinks I talk like a commoner.’

I laughed nervously, worrying what he’d think of my accent if he thought she sounded common.

‘He’s already here. In the year above. Started early. You’ll meet him. Everyone does at some point. Rampant shagger, my darling brother. He’d have his eye on you. Blonde hair, blue eyes, slim figure and a vagina. You’re ticking all the boxes so far, so watch out.’ She let out a low rumble of laughter. I was reminded of a gym teacher we had when I was seven. Miss Marks, I think her name was. Her laugh seemed to reverberate around the school hall, although this girl, Ally, seemed to carry off her low voice with sophistication rather than awkwardness. She was substantially taller than me, also blonde, though a darker tone, especially at the roots, and seemed to be able to command the room around her, even though I was the only audience she had.

‘So, have you met your mummy yet?’

For a second I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, then I understood. ‘Oh, the older student?’

‘Yes, the one to show you around, make sure you’re not crying yourself to sleep at night, that sort of thing.’

I shook my head. ‘No, I haven’t.’

‘Oh, that’s not good. They should have met you when you arrived. And your daddy. Or have they axed daddies? I’m not sure. Let’s go and find you one.’ She made it sound like we were going off to get an ice cream. I wasn’t even certain I wanted a ‘mummy’. I’d always been pretty good at finding my own way through things, but I didn’t want to look standoffish. Ally grabbed my hand and led me out of my room.

‘Don’t bother locking your door, nobody does around here. There’s a general rule: if you’ve locked your door, you’re having sex. Or a total essay-breakdown. My brother has those from time to time.’ She was leading me through the corridors, apparently confident in where she was going. ‘Ah! Here we are.’ A small gathering of students was in front of us, some of them looking lost, others holding clipboards. One of the clipboard girls smiled at Ally and said hello and the others nodded. Apparently everyone knew her. ‘Got an orphan here for you, Catherine; her name is Holly,’ Ally barked at her.

‘Oh God, have you been left without a parent, too?’ The girl called Catherine was looking down her clipboard. ‘I’m so sorry about this, there’s been such a mix-up with numbers. The person who helps organise all this is from the maths department, but you wouldn’t know it. Let’s see …’ She chewed on her pencil while I just smiled politely, trying not to look too demanding.

‘I don’t need anyone, honestly,’ I said quietly, but Catherine didn’t seem to hear.

‘Holly Rowe? Is that right?… Hmm, you’re supposed to be with Caitlin, but I don’t know where she’s … ah, here she is now.’

Another girl had appeared, as if from nowhere. Short, round and looking extremely cheerful, I couldn’t help but feel heartened by her presence. Here was someone I didn’t have to be intimidated by, I thought, then instantly despised myself for the value judgement. Was it a value judgement? I decided to ponder that later and offered my hand. ‘Hi, I’m Holly,’ I said, then realised I’d interrupted Catherine, who was halfway through asking Caitlin why she hadn’t been there to greet me on my arrival.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Caitlin said in a warm, kind-sounding voice with a slight northern slant. She shook my outstretched hand, still grinning. ‘I was double-booked, so to speak – given another girl in a different block, which is strange as I thought I’d made it clear …’

‘Well, I’m glad all this has been sorted,’ said Catherine curtly, then promptly left our little group and went to speak to another student on the other side of the hallway.

‘She’s a bit of a force of nature, Catherine,’ Ally said. ‘I think she hates me, but is too proud to show it. Probably because she fucked my brother and he didn’t get back in touch.’ I saw Caitlin blush at this. Ally turned to her and said, ‘You know what, I’m super-fine to take care of Holly if you wanted to get back to your other charge.’

I began saying that I didn’t need taking care of but Caitlin got in first. ‘I don’t think that would be allowed. You’re a first year and the whole point is …’

‘Oh, nonsense. I’ve been here heaps of times. My brother, Ernest, is a second-year here.’

Caitlin’s eyes widened a little. ‘You’re Ernest Kelman’s sister?’

‘Guilty as charged!’ Ally said brightly, then laughed loudly.

‘So that means your … your dad is …’

Ally rolled her eyes, as if to say here we go again. ‘Yes, dearest Daddy, also known as Clive Kelman, Tory MP. One of Auntie Maggie’s closest chums. Major prick in private, though don’t tell the Telegraph I said that.’

‘I … I won’t,’ Caitlin said, looking a little starstruck. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to look equally impressed, but politics had never been a strong interest of mine and the name didn’t mean anything. Still, the fact that her dad was an MP was interesting, regardless, if rather daunting. If the first person I’d met was the daughter of an MP, I didn’t like to think about the backgrounds of my other fellow students. Who would I meet next? The offspring of judges? Film stars? Minor royalty?

We headed back down the corridor towards my room, Caitlin’s concerns obliterated by Ally’s familial connections. She’d rushed off, giving me a small wave and an encouraging smile. We had almost reached my room when Ally stopped and approached one of the other doors. The sound of voices was emanating from it. Male voices. She seemed to be listening intently.

‘What is it?’ I said, looking at her and then at the door. ‘Whose room is that?’

‘It’s my room,’ she replied in a loud whisper.

‘Has someone broken in?’ I said, louder than I meant to, then cringed at how melodramatic it sounded.

‘Someone has certainly entered uninvited. I was just trying to work out who was with him. Oh dear, as if I didn’t know …’

I wanted to ask who she was referring to, but before I could she’d flung open the door forcefully and marched inside. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to follow, but was too intrigued to wait, so walked in after her.

‘Well. This is a pretty sight, isn’t it?’ Her hands were on her hips again.

Two boys were lying on her bed, laughing. One had a cigarette in his hand, the other a hardback book. There was something odd about the way they were lying together, side by side, on the single bed, their legs up against each other. I’d never seen boys behave like this, as if they had some deep-rooted familiarity. Both were extremely good-looking. One was blond, slim, with a distinct jawline, and was obviously Ally’s brother. The other was larger, though from muscle rather than fat, with dark hair and a face that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a movie poster. In fact, he could almost have passed for a younger Tom Cruise.

‘Sis!’ The blond one pulled himself up into a sitting position. Tom Cruise stayed horizontal, his eyes settling on us.

‘Don’t call me sis,’ she snapped.

‘Very well, Aphrodite.’

They both laughed.

‘Don’t give me that. Why are you on my bed?’

The blond boy adopted a look of great offence and clutched a hand to his white-shirted chest. ‘You wound me, sis. I thought you said to come and visit you whenever I liked.’

‘I said nothing of the kind.’ Ally now turned her cold eyes on the other boy. ‘James, I expected better of you.’

‘He led me astray,’ the boy said in a low, resonant tone. For some reason his voice sent a ripple down my shoulders. I shivered slightly and his eyes flicked over to me. ‘Are you cold?’ he said, smiling, as if he somehow knew he was having an effect on me.

‘I’m fine, thanks,’ I said.

‘Introduce us to your friend, sis,’ the blond boy said, drawing on the cigarette.

Ally turned to me. ‘Holly, this is my prat of a brother, Ernest.’

I wasn’t sure if I should offer my hand, but he didn’t seem inclined to get off the bed any time soon, so I just waved. He smiled in return. A nice smile, making his otherwise hard face seem friendlier.

‘The other layabout is James, my brother’s best friend and occasional shag-buddy.’

Ernest’s smile became more of a smirk. ‘Still dining out on that joke, sis? Wasn’t funny the first time.’

‘Makes me laugh,’ she said.

The other boy was also smiling. ‘Not entirely a lie, though,’ he said, nudging Ernest with his elbow. He winked at me and I felt myself blushing.

‘Too much info,’ Ally said, tersely.