Hold the Dream

‘I suppose I might as well.’

He steered her across the room towards Charlotte and Natalie, and Emma smothered a laugh. So that’s where he thinks I belong, with the old ladies, she thought with some acerbity.

He saw her settled on the sofa, spoke briefly to his great-aunts, and disappeared, heading back to Sarah.

Emma watched him go, filled with sadness and disappointment. Too bad about Jonathan, she thought with resignation. He surely doesn’t realize it, but he’s as transparent as water. Just like his father. She had always seen right through Robin, and had been several jumps ahead of him all of his life, usually to his perpetual irritation and discomfort. Sighing, Emma pushed herself into the cushions and accepted a cup of tea offered by one of the waiters, then turned to her sisters-in-law. Natalie, Frank’s widow, was unusually garrulous this afternoon, and she soon dominated the conversation, caught up in an endless recital about her only child, Rosamund, who lived in Italy with her diplomat husband. Charlotte and Emma listened, eyeing each other with amusement from time to time, but Emma’s interest rapidly waned. She soon fell into her myriad thoughts.

Emma would never know what prompted her to suddenly put down her cup of tea, stand up, and swing around at the precise moment that she did. And later, when she thought about it in private, she was to wish she had remained seated.

But she did go through these motions, and found Shane O’Neill in her direct line of vision. He did not see her. He stood alone, leaning against the wall in the shadow of a tall Regency cabinet. There was an expression of such unadulterated love and aching yearning on his handsome face Emma had to stifle a gasp of surprise. His face was naked, utterly vulnerable, and it revealed the strongest and most powerful emotions a man could feel for a woman.

And it was Paula whom Shane was staring at with such concentrated intensity and longing.

Oh my God, Emma thought, dismay flooding through her. Her heart missed a beat. How well she knew that look on a man’s face. It signified passion and desire, the overwhelming urgency to possess absolutely. And forever.

But her granddaughter was oblivious to him. She was bending over the nursemaid who sat cradling Tessa, adjusting the child’s christening robe, cooing to her. Paula’s face was tender with a mother’s love and she was completely absorbed in the baby.

Emma was so shocked by what she saw she could not move. She was rooted to the spot, staring at him transfixed, unable to tear her eyes away from Shane, who undoubtedly believed he was safe from prying eyes. Emma reached out blindly and gripped the back of the sofa, filled with a terrible shaking sensation.

To her immense relief the expression on Shane’s face was fleeting. In a flash it vanished, was replaced by a studied expression of assumed nonchalance, one she knew so well. He moved out of the shadows without noticing her, and mingled with the crowd again. Distantly she heard his vibrant, throaty laugh, and then Randolph’s voice in response to something he had said.

Endeavouring to marshal her thoughts, Emma shifted her stance, turned to face the room. Had anyone else witnessed this intensely private moment of Shane’s when his guard was down? Where was Jim? Emma’s quick alert eyes darted from side to side, came to rest on Emily, who stood motionless a few yards away, staring back at her appalled, anxiety clouding her pretty young face.

Emma frowned. She pinned Emily with a knowing look, then motioned to the door with a brief nod of her head. Emma went out of the drawing room slowly. She was filled with sorrow, and her heart ached for Shane O’Neill. And as she crossed the Stone Hall everything became crystal clear to her, and her sorrow deepened immeasurably.

Upon entering the library, Emma sat down heavily on the nearest chair. She was surprised her legs had carried her this far. She felt weak at the knees.

Emily came in a split second later, closed the door firmly behind her, and leaned against it speechlessly.

To Emma she looked as if she had seen a ghost. She was unnaturally pale and her face was tight, very strained.

Emma said, ‘You saw it then? The way Shane was gazing at Paula?’

‘Yes,’ Emily whispered.

‘He’s very much in love with her,’ Emma said, her voice husky. Her throat tightened. She paused, got a grip on herself, ‘But then you knew that before today, Emily. In fact, you almost let it slip out yesterday. But you managed to stop yourself just in time. That is correct, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, Gran.’

‘Don’t look so scared, Emily. And come here and sit with me. I must talk to you about this. It’s most disturbing.’

Emily ran across the room and took the adjoining chair. She gazed deeply into Emma’s troubled face, which looked oddly fatigued and weary all of a sudden. She said, ‘I’m truly sorry you had to find out. I never wanted you to know, Grandma. I knew it would pain you.’

‘Yes, that’s true, it does. But now that I do know, I’ve a couple of questions. First of all, how did you find out that Shane was in love with Paula in the first place?’

‘Because I’ve seen that look on his face before. It was at Paula’s wedding in London last year … when he thought no one was watching him. Much the same kind of situation as today. He was tucked away in a corner, at the reception at Claridge’s, and his eyes never left her. And then there’s his behaviour … let’s face it, Grandy, he’s been distant and peculiar with her for the longest time. Actually, to be honest, he’s dropped her like a ton of bricks. Obviously he can’t bear to be around her, knowing she’s married to someone else.’

Emily bit her lip nervously. ‘I suspect that’s also one of the reasons he spends so much time abroad. I know he has to travel because of their hotel chain, but Merry recently said something to me about Shane constantly jumping on planes at the slightest excuse. She said he seemed to have ants in his pants these days.’

‘I see,’ Emma said. ‘So Shane has never confided in you?’

‘God no! He wouldn’t. He’s too proud.’

‘Yes,’ Emma said, ‘I know what you mean.’ She was reflective for a moment, then said almost to herself, ‘That seems to be a family characteristic. And it’s false pride, too. What a waste of time that is. So very foolish in the long run. It serves no good purpose.’ She looked away, staring into the distance absently, seeing so much, understanding.

Emily patted her hand in her old-fashioned, motherly way, and urged, ‘Try not to worry, Gran. I know you love Shane like one of your own grandchildren, but there’s nothing you can do about this.’

‘I’m aware of that, darling. But getting back to the incident in the drawing room, do you think anyone else saw what we saw? Jim, for instance?’

‘Jim had gone outside a few minutes before, Gran. I spoke to him as he followed Anthony and Sally out on to the terrace. Then Miranda joined them, and the twins.’ Emily chewed her inner Up again. ‘Sarah. She has been sneaking looks at Shane all afternoon. She might have caught it, I’m just not sure.’

‘I certainly hope she didn’t!’ Emma exclaimed worriedly.

‘So do I.’ Emily took a deep breath, volunteered in a low voice, ‘There was one person who noticed …’

‘Who?’ Emma demanded, looking at her swiftly.

‘Winston.’

‘Well, thank God for small mercies. I’m glad it wasn’t anyone else. Go and fetch him to me, Emily, and don’t discuss a thing. Not in there. Too many nosy parkers around.’

‘Yes, Grandmother.’ Emily flew out of the room.

Emma rose and went to the windows, staring out at her beautiful gardens. How peaceful they look in the radiant sunlight … next door in the drawing room there is a young man who has everything except the woman he loves and who may never know genuine peace in his whole life because of that. Unless his love for Paula ceases to exist. Emma doubted this would happen. The kind of love she had seen etched on his face was everlasting. Its depth and intensity chilled her to the bone. She was absolutely convinced that a man like Shane O’Neill would not be content to worship from afar. His emotions could easily propel him to take more overt action in time. He might try to fight for Paula one day, in the future. And even if Paula was not interested in Shane, the situation still spelled trouble, in Emma’s opinion. Triangles were not only uncomfortable, they were explosive.

Emma let out a tiny sigh. She had no answers, no solutions, and speculating was surely a big waste of time.

Her thoughts settled on Paula. She prayed her granddaughter would be happy with Jim Fairley for the rest of her life. If she was not, Shane might indeed make headway with her. Yet this first year of the marriage had been idyllic. On the other hand, there were things she herself had noticed, and which had given her food for thought and cause to wonder about Jim. Instinctively, she knew that he was no match for Paula when it came to inherent strength of character. Paula was inordinately stubborn, and she had a will of iron. And she was so much cleverer than Jim – on every level.

Emma admired Jim professionally – he was a brilliant newspaperman. Also, she was fond of him personally. It was difficult not to be. On the other hand, Emma had recognized for some time that his judgement was flawed in many areas, and most especially when it came to his assessment of people. He was not terribly discriminating He liked everyone; furthermore, he wanted everyone to be happy, and all of the time, no less. He hated controversy and upset, bent over backward to keep the peace – and very often that was to his own detriment. In Emma’s mind, one of Jim’s main problems was his overwhelming need to be liked in return, to be popular with every member of the family, his friends, and those in his employment. This trait in him both dismayed and irritated Emma. It was lonely at the top. And it was generally not very wise to be overly familiar with employees. That quickly led to trouble. Loath though she was to admit it, Jim was simply not of the same calibre as Paula. Would he hold up over the years? Every marriage had its problems, its stresses, its emotional upheavals. If Jim caved in because of his lack of stamina and endurance under pressure, what would happen to that marriage? To Paula? To their children? She hated to contemplate the future in this dismal way, and instantly pushed all negative thoughts out of her mind. They did love each other very much, and perhaps their love would overcome any differences they may have.

Winston said, ‘You wanted to see me Aunt Emma?’ He sounded both nervous and concerned.

‘Yes,’ Emma said, pivoting. She walked over to a grouping of chairs, motioned Winston and Emily to join her.

They sat down opposite her, waiting.

Winston had been mystified when Emily had dragged him out of the drawing room, whispering that Emma had sent her to get him. He knew at once, from the girl’s anxious demeanour, that something was wrong. Now his worried air intensified as he puffed rapidly on his cigarette. Out of the corner of his eye he saw that Emily’s face was stark above her yellow suit, its bony pallor more pronounced.

Getting right to the point, Emma said, ‘A few minutes ago I saw Shane looking at Paula in such a way that it left no doubt in my mind about his feelings for her. Emily tells me you also noticed.’

‘Yes, I did,’ Winston said, at once, realizing there was no point in denying it, or lying. He braced himself, wondering what she would say next. He studied her face which was severe and grave.

‘Shane is in love with Paula,’ Emma announced in a clipped tone.

‘Yes. And desperately so,’ Winston replied, shaking his head. He had wondered for a long time when this would come out in the open, and now that it had he decided it was wisest to be completely candid with Emma. In a way, he felt relieved that she finally knew. It had been a heavy burden for him to carry alone.

Desperately, Emma repeated under her breath. And her heart sank. Winston was underscoring her own suspicions, confirming her conclusions. She said slowly, ‘Has Shane discussed his feelings for her with you, Winston?’