Rídan The Devil And Other Stories

‘Do go and see the old fellow. He has such a sympathetic nature. I’m sure I should have cried aloud had I stayed any longer. Anyone would think he had known poor little Teddie ever since he was born. I’ve asked Mary to make him a cup of tea.’

‘Who is he?’

‘I don’t know his name, but he seems so sympathetic. And he says he should be so pleased if he might see you again for a few minutes. He says, too, that you have a good and kind face. I told him that you would be sure to take at least a dozen of those in cream and gold. There’s nothing at all vulgar; quite the reverse.’

‘What are you talking about, Kate? Who is this sodden old lunatic, and what on earth are you crying for?’

My sister nearly sobbed. ‘I always thought that what you derisively termed “mortuary bards” were horrid people, but this old man has a beautiful nature. And he’s very wet—and hungry too, I’m sure; and Mary looks at him as if he were a dog. Do try and help him. I think we might get one or two dozen cream and gold cards, and two dozen black-edged.

And then he’s a journalist, too. He’s told me quite a sad little story of his life struggle, and the moment I told him you were on the Evening News he quite brightened up, and said he knew your name quite well.’

‘Kate,’ I said, ‘I don’t want to see the man. What the deuce does he want? If he is one of those loafing scoundrels of undertakers’ and mortuary masons’ touts, just send him about his business; give him a glass of whisky and tell Mary to clear him out.’

My sister said that to send an old man out in such weather was not like me. Surely I would at least speak a kind word to him.

In sheer desperation I went out to the man. He addressed me in husky tones, and said that he desired to express his deep sympathy with me in my affliction, also that he was ‘a member of the Fourth Estate.’ Seven years before he had edited the Barangoora News, but his determined opposition to a dishonest Government led to his ruin, and now—

‘All right, old man; stow all that. What do you want?’

He looked at me reproachfully, and taking up a small leather bag, said that he represented Messrs –, ‘Monumental Masons and Memorial Card Designers and Printers,’ and should feel pleased if I would look at his samples.

He was such a wretched, hungry-looking, down-upon-his-beam-ends old fellow, that I could not refuse to inspect his wares. And then his boots filled me with pity. For such a little man he had the biggest boots I ever saw—baggy, elastic sides, and toes turned up, with the after part of the uppers sticking out some inches beyond the frayed edges of his trousers. As he sat down and drew these garments up, and his bare, skinny legs showed above his wrecked boots, his feet looked like two water-logged cutters under bare poles, with the water running out of the scuppers.

Mary brought the whisky. I poured him out a good, stiff second mate’s nip. It did my heart good to see him drink it, and hear the soft ecstatic ‘Ah, ah, ah,’ which broke from him when he put the glass down; it was a Te Deum Laudamus.

Having briefly intimated to him that I had no intention of buying ‘a handsome granite monument, with suitable inscription, or twelve lines of verse, for £4, 17s. 6d.,’ I took up his packet of In Memoriam cards and went through them. The first one was a hand-drawn design in cream and gold—Kate’s fancy. It represented in the centre an enormously bloated infant with an idiotic leer, lying upon its back on a blue cloud with scalloped edges, whilst two male angels, each with an extremely vicious expression, were pulling the cloud along by means of tow-lines attached to their wings. Underneath were these words in MS.: ‘More angels can be added, if desired, at an extra charge of 6d. each.’

No. 2 represented a disorderly flight of cherubims, savagely attacking a sleeping infant in its cradle, which was supported on either hand by two vulgar-looking female angels blowing bullock horns in an apathetic manner.

No. 3 rather took my fancy—there was so much in it—four large fowls flying across the empyrean; each bird carried a rose as large as a cabbage in its beak, and apparently intended to let them drop upon a group of family mourners beneath. The MS. inscribed said, ‘If photographs are supplied of members of the Mourning Family, our artist will reproduce same in group gathered round the deceased. If doves are not approved, cherubims, angels, or floral designs may be used instead, for small extra charge.’