The Sassy Belles

“Oh, my good God in heaven above. What in all hell is this?” And up she came with Deputy Dick in her hand, holding it like it was the Olympic Torch.

“Vivi, you recognize this nasty thang?”

Vivi turned ten shades of crimson, threw back the last sip of her water and choked.

“We’re gonna need us a big ole’ plastic bag for this. Just somebody get over here quick and take this disgusting thing from me!” She was holding it by two fingers, her face contorted somewhere between fear and nausea, turning in circles in the tiny motel room looking for anyone to take the rubbery blue dildo from her perfectly manicured, and thankfully gloved, hand. “Ooh, Lawd have mercy, I need to have my hands sanitized after this!”

Vivi leaned into me and said, “That’s Deputy Dick.”

“Well,” I said, “I am so happy to finally meet him in person. He is certainly a lovely shade of blue.” Vivi smiled and that relieved her embarrassment, but only for a second. Another officer came in with a bag and Bonita dropped the “deputy” into it.

“Have mercy, I ain’t never seen such a big ugly thing as that. It’s gonna give me nightmares….” She went to the sink, tossed her gloves and washed her hands, muttering to herself as she primped in the mirror. Her makeup was a thing of perfection. She looked like a doll with the most beautiful hair and all of it in place, all the time. She, too, was a former pageant queen and knew how to carry herself, plus size and all. Her weight never seemed to matter—if anything, Bonita gave curves a good name. All anyone ever noticed was her beauty and her spunk. As a detective, she was able to avoid the uniform—which was a good thing, since her sense of fashion would never stretch to black polyester. Today, she was wearing one of her many Chanel suits, cream and trimmed in black. She was stunning to the eye.

Vivi had gathered herself and was wiping her face with the wet cloth Bonita had handed her when she finally spoke.

“Uh, yes, to answer your question, Bonita, I do recognize that, um, item. It is mine and I had it with me here in the room.” Vivi let out a huge breath as if she had just admitted she knew the secrets of the Vatican.

Bonita finished cleaning and primping herself and came over to Vivi. “Now don’t you go worrying yourself over this, Vivi. All of us got our kinky little secrets.” She winked at her.

Vivi smiled up at her from where she was still sitting on the bed.

“Certainly this one is a good bit…shall we say…bigger than most, but it’ll all be okay.”

Sonny and Bonita stepped to the doorway and planned their next steps. Vivi was too out of sorts to notice them chatting, but I strained to listen.

“Sonny, what do you make of this?” Bonita asked.

“Well, at the moment, none of this is gonna make any sense till we talk to Miss Vivi. Maybe she saw something out of the ordinary, or maybe we can jog her memory when we talk to her.”

“Do you need me to question her or do you wanna do those honors?” she asked sarcastically. It was clear Bonita would rather hear any story other than the one Vivi would be telling.

“No, you go on. I’ll talk to her. I’ve known her a long time and she can be, shall we say, difficult. She enjoys being difficult. I’ll handle her.” Sonny kept thinking and talking. “I think you ought to check the usual spots—the hospitals, coroner’s office. Maybe someone already moved the body and this is all just a problem of miscommunication. But just in case, maybe get together a list of Lewis’s coworkers at the university that we can talk to. Somebody’s bound to know somethin’.”

“No problem, Sonny. I swear, this may be the craziest case I’ve ever worked on and we’re just getting started. That Vivi, she is sure somethin’ else. I don’t believe I’ve ever bagged evidence quite like that little blue friend I found.” They both laughed and shook their heads.

“Okay, I’ll keep ya posted. Have fun talkin’ to Vivi. Almost wish I could be a fly on the wall for that one, but I’m already gonna have nightmares after meeting the little blue man in there.” She laughed.

Bonita was a good soul, even if she did talk too much. She did one last mirror check of her lipstick, then hugged me and Vivi and headed outside. I heard her car start and drive away.

“Vivi, do you have any ideas at all about where Lewis could be?” I looked at her as I took the cloth from her and wiped her cheeks.

She began to tear up. “I swear, Blake. With God as my witness, I do not know where he is or where he went. He was laying right there on this bed, dead and stiff and naked. He was stiff and naked before, but I swear…” She paused and looked at me in the eyes. “You believe me, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. Of course.” I pulled her frizzy red head under my chin and held her. “You know you will have to go into all the details with Sonny? He’s the chief investigator for the police department. You need to tell him everything. I still can’t believe Sonny married Laura Logan.” I couldn’t help it from blurting out. I knew now was not the time to be gossiping, but seeing Sonny again had stirred something up inside me.

“Oh, my God! Laura Plain and Tall?” Vivi recalled Laura’s elementary school moniker. “I haven’t thought about her in ten years. I guess the whole convent thing really didn’t pan out for her.”

We both let out a laugh. It relieved the heaviness of the situation. It felt good to almost forget where we were, even for just a moment.

Harry pushed back through the little room and touched me on the shoulder.

“Blake, is Vivi able to talk to Officer Bartholomew?”

“Yes, she’s much better. Let’s go outside.”

We stepped out into the warm afternoon air. The police inside kept up their search for anything that might lead us to Lewis, and the evidence was stored in plastic bags—­including the big blue rubber penis. I saw the wrecker pull out from behind the motel with Lewis’s red Corvette attached. They would take it to the police station and hold it until it had been fully searched and swiped for evidence.

I hesitated on the sidewalk as Harry, Vivi and Sonny walked through the dusty parking lot over to Sonny’s truck. I knew every hair, fiber and drop of semen could be used against Vivi if they ever found Lewis’s body. For a moment my eyes began to fill with tears, but then anger took over and I thought, No! Over my dead body. Then I thought, There is no dead body. And with no dead body, there was no murder. Only a missing person. I sniffed and wiped my eyes, then put my lawyer face on. I felt transformed into a heroine for all Southern women: Scarlett O’Hara and a Steel Magnolia all in one. I joined the group already gathered at the truck. However, my bravado may have faltered a bit as I stumbled in the parking lot, realizing that high heels were definitely not the appropriate foot fashion for gravel. As I approached them I overheard Vivi.

“Harry, I just cannot discuss this.”

“Vivi, you have to. You have no choice. You were the last one with Lewis and you reported him dead—although his body is, well, not where you left it. You are still at the center of this investigation. And Officer Bartholomew is the chief investigator. You have to tell us the details of the day as you remember it.”

“This will help us find Lewis,” I explained to Vivi. “Harry, I think we better move this discussion elsewhere if you want all of this from Vivi. This is the scene of the…well…whatever it is, and Vivi has already fainted once. Let me help you with her and we’ll get all we need.”

I turned to talk to Vivi.

“It’s okay, honey. I’ll be right there with you. What do you need?”

“Oh, Blake, I can’t possibly discuss this tête-à-tête in mixed company. I’ll die of total embarrassment.”

“Sweetie, you don’t have a choice.” We all stood there in silence waiting for Vivi to tell us what would make this easier for her. It was an awkward moment. We knew what we were asking her to do. We knew what we would be hearing. The very last dirty details of the sexual escapades of Lewis and Vivi. It was a lot to ask for any of us to sit through that! But everyone stood there, the hot sun baking the long minutes that dripped by like molasses from a hot spoon. Then finally—

“Well, okay,” Vivi said, letting out a deep breath. “About five Long Island iced teas might do it.”

“What, honey?” I asked.

“You asked me what I need, right? So I’m tellin’ you. I’ve got to have a drink or three or this story will, through no fault of my own, stay locked in my head. It’s just not somethin’ I can discuss without lots of help, from Jack or Jim…. As in Daniel’s and Beam—drinks I mean, not more men!”

“Okay,” Sonny said, “let’s run over to the Tutwiler. It’s close by and the bar opens at four, and that’s right about now.”

Harry and I looked at each other and nodded our heads in agreement.

“Fine,” Harry said.

So, we would go to the Tutwiler and sit and watch Vivi get stone drunk while listening to her recount her last day with Harry’s estranged baby brother, Lewis, screwing his brains out till he was dead, while my former lover sat across from us taking notes. Yes, it looked like Harry and I would have our anniversary date at the Tutwiler, after all.

3

We got in our cars and headed back across the bridge to the Tutwiler, looking for all the world like some sort of procession. Driving across the Warrior River to downtown, I looked over at Vivi. She sat motionless, white-knuckling the door handle as we rode to the old historic hotel.

“I can’t do it.” The words shook loose from her mouth. “Blake, I just cannot tell all this to Sonny. You can’t tell me they need to know everything.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Why in the world do they need to know that Lewis was a licker?”

“What?” I said, in utter confusion at what I thought she said.