Winter of Change

Mary Jane, without quite knowing how, found herself propelled gently from the room, but halfway down the stairs she paused. ‘It’s so unnecessary!’ she cried. ‘Surely I can run this house and look after my own money—and it’s miles for you to come,’ she gulped. ‘And talking about it like this, it’s beastly…’

He ignored that, merely saying coolly, ‘I hardly think you need to worry about my too frequent visits.’ He smiled a small, mocking smile and she felt vaguely insulted so that she flushed and ran on down the stairs and into the kitchen, where she found Mrs Body, unpacking her shopping. She looked up as Mary Jane rushed in and said: ‘Hullo, Miss Mary Jane, what’s upset you? The Colonel isn’t…?’

‘He’s about the same. It’s that man—Mr van der Blocq—we don’t seem to get on very well.’ She stood in front of the housekeeper, looking rather unhappily into her motherly face. ‘Do you know him?’

‘Lor’, yes, my dear—he’s been here twice in the last few months, and a year or two ago he came with that friend of your grandfather’s, the nice old gentleman who lives in Holland—he’s ill too, so I hear.’

Mary Jane waved this information on one side. ‘He’s staying,’ she said. ‘I don’t know for how long. I made up a bed in the other turret room. Ought we to do something about dinner?’

‘Don’t you worry about that, Miss Mary Jane—the Colonel told me that he’d be coming, so I’ve a nice meal planned. If you’ll just set the table later on—but time enough for that. Supposing you go for a little walk just down to the lake and back. You’ll hear me call easily enough and a breath of air will do you good before tea.’

Mary Jane made for the door and flung it open. She had a great deal to think about; it was a pity she had no one to confide in; she hadn’t got used to the fact that her grandfather was dying, nor his matter-of-fact attitude towards that fact, and the strain of matching his manner with her own was being a little too much for her. She wandered down the garden, resolutely making herself think about the house and the future. She didn’t care about the money, just as long as there was enough to keep everything going as her grandfather would wish it to be. She stopped to lean over a low stone wall, built long ago for some purpose or other but now in disuse. The Colonel, a keen gardener, had planted it with a variety of rock plants, but it had no colour now. She leaned her elbows on its uneven surface and gazed out to the lake and Skiddaw beyond, not seeing them very clearly for the tears which blurred her eyes. It was silly to cry; her grandfather disliked crying women, he had told her so on various occasions. She brushed her hand across her face and noted in a detached way that the mountains had a sprinkling of snow on their tops while the rest of them looked grey and misty and sad. She wished, like a child, that time might be turned back, that somehow or other today could have been avoided. Despite herself, her eyes filled with tears again; she wasn’t a crying girl, but just for once she made no attempt to stop them.

Major had followed her out of the house, and sat close to her now, pressed against her knee, and when he gave a whispered bark she wiped her eyes hastily and turned round. Mr van der Blocq was close by, just standing there, looking away from her, across the lake. He spoke casually. ‘You have had rather a shock, haven’t you? You must be a little bewildered. May I venture to offer you a modicum of advice?’ He went on without giving her a chance to speak. ‘Don’t worry about the future for the moment. It’s not a bad idea, in circumstances such as these, to live from one day to the next and make the best of each one.’

He was standing beside her now, still not looking at her tear-stained face, and when she didn’t reply he went on, still casually:

‘Major hasn’t had a walk, has he? Supposing we give him a run for a short while?’

Mary Jane, forgetful of the deplorable condition of her face, looked up at him. ‘I don’t like to go too far away…’

‘Nor do I, but Mrs Body has promised to shout if she needs us—she’s sitting with your grandfather now, and I imagine we could run fast enough if we needed to.’ He smiled at her and just for a moment she felt warmed and comforted.

‘All right,’ she agreed reluctantly, ‘if you say so,’ and started off along the edge of the lake, Major at her heels, not bothering to see if Mr van der Blocq was following her.

They walked into the wind, not speaking much and then only about commonplace things, and as they turned to go back again Mary Jane had to admit to herself that she felt better—not, she hastened to remind herself, because of her companion but probably because she had needed the exercise and fresh air. She went straight to her grandfather’s room when they got back to the house, but he was still sleeping, so obedient to Mrs Body’s advice she went to the sitting room and had tea with her visitor. They spoke almost as seldom as they had done during their walk; indeed, she formed the opinion that her companion found her boring and hardly worthy of his attention, for although his manners were not to be faulted she had the strongest feeling that they were merely the outcome of courtesy; in other circumstances he would probably ignore her altogether. She sighed without knowing it and got up to feed Major.

When she got back to the sitting room, Mr van der Blocq got to his feet and with the excuse that he had telephone calls to make and letters to write, went away to the Colonel’s study, which, he was careful to explain, his host had put at his disposal, leaving Mary Jane to wander out to the kitchen to help Mrs Body and presently to lay the table in the roomy, old-fashioned dining room before going up to peep once more at her sleeping grandfather before changing from her slacks and sweater into a grey wool dress she had fortuitously packed, aware as she did so of the murmur of voices from the Colonel’s room.

She frowned at her reflection as she smoothed her hair into its neat bun and did her face. If Mr van der Blocq had wakened her grandfather in order to pester him with more papers, then she would have something to say to him! He came out of the adjoining room as she left her own, giving her a wordless nod and standing aside for her to go down the stairs. She waited until they were both in the hall before she said: ‘I think you must be tiring Grandfather very much. I don’t think he should be disturbed any more today—there’s surely no need.’

He paused on his way to the study. ‘My dear good girl, may I remind you that I am a qualified physician as well as a surgeon, and as such am aware of your grandfather’s condition—better, I must remind you, than you yourself.’ He looked down his long nose at her. ‘Be good enough not to interfere.’

Mary Jane’s bosom heaved, her nice eyes sparkled with temper. ‘Well, really it’s not your business…’

He interrupted her. ‘Oh, but it is, unfortunately. I am here at your grandfather’s request to attend to his affairs—at his urgent request, I should remind you, before he should die, and here you are telling me what to do and what not to do. You’re a tiresome girl.’

With which parting shot, uttered in his perfect, faintly accented English, he went into the study, closing the door very gently behind him.

Mary Jane, a gentle-natured girl for the most part, flounced into the sitting room, and quite beside herself with temper, poured herself a generous measure of whisky. It was a drink she detested, but now it represented an act of defiance, she tossed off a second glass too. It was unfortunate that Mr van der Blocq chose to return after five minutes, by which time the whisky’s effects upon her hungry inside were at their highest; by then her head was feeling decidedly strange and her feet, when she walked to a chair, didn’t quite touch the floor. It was unfortunate too that he saw this the moment he entered the room and observed coldly, ‘Good God, woman, can’t I turn my back for one minute without you reaching for the whisky bottle—you reek of it!’ An exaggeration so gross that she instantly suspected that he had been spying upon her.

She said carefully in a resentful voice, ‘You’re enough to drive anyone to drink,’ the whisky urging her to add, ‘Are you married? If you are, I’m very sorry for your wife.’

He took her glass from her and set it down and poured himself a drink. ‘No, I’m not married,’ he said blandly, ‘so you may spare your sympathy.’ He sat down opposite her, crossed his long legs and asked, ‘What did you do before you took up nursing? Were you ever here, living permanently?’

She cleared her fuzzy mind. ‘No, I went to a boarding school, although I came here for the holidays, and then when I left school—when I was eighteen—I asked Grandfather if I might take up nursing and I went to Pope’s. I’ve only been home once a year since then.’

‘No boy-friends?’ She hesitated and he added, ‘I shall be your guardian, you know, I have to know a little about you.’

‘Well, no.’ Her head was clearer now. ‘I never had much chance to meet any—only medical students, you know, and the housemen, and of course they always went for the pretty girls.’ She spoke without self-pity and he offered no sympathy, nor did he utter some empty phrase about mythical good looks she knew she hadn’t got, anyway. He said merely, ‘Well, of course—I did myself, but one doesn’t always marry them, you know.’

She agreed, adding in a matter-of-fact voice, ‘Oh, I know that, I imagine young doctors usually marry where there’s some money—unless they’re brilliant with an assured future, and you can’t blame them—how else are they to get on?’

‘A sensible opinion with which I will not argue,’ he assured her, his tone so dry that her slightly flushed face went slowly scarlet. It was fortunate that Mrs Body created a diversion at that moment by telling them that dinner would be ready in fifteen minutes and would Mary Jane like to take a quick peep at the Colonel first?

She was up in his room, pottering around because she sensed that he wanted company for a few minutes. When Doctor Morris arrived she waited while he examined his patient, adjusted his treatment, asked if he was through with his business, nodded his satisfaction at the answer and wished him a good night. Downstairs again, he accepted the drink offered him, muttered something to Mr van der Blocq and turned to Mary Jane.

‘Your grandfather’s happy; he’s put his affairs in order, it’s just a question of keeping him content and comfortable. You’ll do that, I know, Mary Jane.’ He stood up. ‘I must be off, I’ve a couple more visits. Fabian, come to the car with me, will you?’

They talked very little over their meal and anything which they said had very little to do with the Colonel or what he had told them that day—indeed, Mr van der Blocq kept the conversation very much in his own hands, seeming not to notice her long silences and monosyllabic replies. She went to bed early, leaving him sitting by the fire, looking quite at home, with Major at his feet and still more papers on the table before him.

Once ready for bed, she went through to her grandfather’s room, to find him awake, so she pulled up a chair to the dim lamp and made herself comfortable, declaring that she wasn’t sleepy either. After a while he dozed off and so did she, to waken much later to find Mr van der Blocq standing looking down at her. She wasn’t sure of the expression on his face, but what ever it was it changed to faint annoyance as she got silently to her feet. He said briefly, ‘Go to bed,’ and sat down in the chair she had vacated.

She was awakened by his hand on her shoulder. She sat up at once with an urgent whispered ‘Grandfather?’ and when he nodded and handed her dressing gown from a chair, she jumped out of bed, thrust her arms into its sleeves anyhow and was half way to the door in her bare feet when he reminded her, ‘Your slippers—it’s cold.’ Before she quite reached the door he caught her by the arm. ‘Your grandfather wants to say something to you—don’t try and stop him; he’s quite conscious and as comfortable as he can be. I’ve sent for Morris.’

The Colonel was wide awake and she went straight to the bed and took his hand with a steady smile. He squeezed her fingers weakly.

‘Plenty of guts—like me,’ he whispered with satisfaction. ‘Can’t abide moaning women. Something I want you to do. Always wanted you to meet my friend—Fabian’s uncle—he’s ill too. Go and look after him—bad-tempered fellow, can’t find a nurse who’ll stay. Promised Fabian you’d go.’ He looked at her. ‘Promise?’

She said instantly, ‘Yes, Grandfather, I promise. I’ll look after him.’

‘Won’t be for long—Fabian will see to everything.’

She glanced across at the man standing on the other side of the bed, looking, despite pyjamas and dressing gown, as impassive and withdrawn as he always did. She wondered, very briefly, if he had any feelings at all; if so, they were buried deep. He returned her look with one of his own, unsmiling and thoughtful, and then went to the door. ‘That’s Morris’s car—I’ll let him in and wake Mrs Body.’

The Colonel died a couple of hours later, in his sleep, a satisfied little smile on his old face so that Mary Jane felt that to cry would be almost an insult—besides, had he not told her that she had guts? She did all the things she had to do with a white set face, drank the tea Mrs Body gave her, then had a bath and dressed to join Mr van der Blocq at the breakfast table, where she ate nothing at all but talked brightly about the weather. Afterwards, thinking about it, she had to admit that he had been a veritable tower of strength, organising a tearful Mrs Body and a still more tearful Lily, arranging everything without fuss and a minimum of discussion, telephoning the newspapers, old friends, the rector…

She came downstairs from making the beds just as he came out of the study and Mrs Body was coming from the kitchen with the coffee tray. He poured her a cup, told her to drink it in a no-nonsense voice, and when she had, marched her off for a walk, Major at their heels. It was a fine morning but cold, and Mary Jane, in her sweater and slacks and an old jacket snatched from the back porch, was aware that she looked plainer than even she thought possible—not that she cared. She walked unwillingly beside her companion, not speaking, but presently the soft air and the quiet peace of the countryside soothed her; she even began to feel grateful to him for arranging her day and making it as easy as he could for her. She felt impelled to tell him this, to be told in a brisk impersonal way that as her guardian it was his moral obligation to do so.

He went on: ‘We need to talk; there is a good deal to be arranged. You will have to leave Pope’s—you realised that already, I imagine. I think it may be best if I wrote to your Matron or whatever she is called nowadays, and explain your circumstances. Your grandfather’s solicitor will come here to see you—and me, but there should be no difficulties there, as everything was left in good order. I think it may be best if you return to Holland with me on the day after the funeral; there’s no point in glooming around the house on your own, and I can assure you that my uncle needs a nurse as soon as possible—his condition is rapidly worsening and extremely difficult.’ He paused to throw a stone for Major. ‘He was a good and clever man, and I am fond of him.’

Mary Jane stood still and looked at him. ‘You’ve thought of everything,’ she stated, and missed the gleam in his eyes. ‘I only hope I’ll be able to manage him and that he’ll like me, because I promised Grandfather…’

Her voice petered out and although she gulped and sniffed she was quite unable to stop bursting into tears. She was hardly aware of Mr van der Blocq whisking her into his arms, only of the nice solid feel of his shoulder and his silent sympathy. Presently she raised a ruined face to his. ‘So sorry,’ she said politely. ‘I don’t cry as a general rule—I daresay I’m tired.’

‘I daresay you are. We’ll walk back now, and after lunch, which you will eat, you shall lie on the sofa in the study and have a nap while I finish off a few odd jobs.’

He let her go and strolled down to the water’s edge while she wiped her eyes and blew her nose and re-tied her hair, and when they started back, he took her arm, talking, deliberately, of the Colonel.

Under his eye she ate her lunch, and still under it, tucked herself up in front of the study fire and fell instantly asleep. She awoke to the clatter of the tea tray as Mrs Body set it on the table beside the sofa and a moment later Doctor Morris came in.

The two men began at once to talk, and gradually, as she poured the tea and passed the cake, Mary Jane joined in. Before the doctor got up to go she realised with surprise that she had laughed several times. The surprise must have shown on her face, for Mr van der Blocq said with uncanny insight: ‘That’s better—your grandfather liked you to laugh, didn’t he? Now, if you feel up to it, tell me how you stand at Pope’s. A month’s notice is normal, I suppose—have you any holidays due? Any commitments in London?’

‘I’ve a week’s holiday before Christmas, that’s all, and I’m supposed to give a month’s notice. There’s nothing to keep me in London, but all my clothes and things are at Pope’s.’

‘We will pick them up as we go. What is the name of your matron?’

‘Miss Shepherd—she’s called the Principal Nursing Officer now.’