The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.

We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.

The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.

The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.

Gay Betsey.– Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.

It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.

They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.

The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.

If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.

Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.

A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.

WIMMINS RIGHTS. DOG TALK. CORRESPONDENCE

Mi Dear Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins:

I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do.

I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess.

I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter.

I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.

If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman’s care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving.

Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.

But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes.

She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.

Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.

When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.

Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborness.

Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or influenced bi others.

If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?

I hav never saw yure platform.

Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu vote for?

Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style? – eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going.

Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.

Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.

Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time?

Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.

Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart.

Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?

Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven’t got enny reputashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.

If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a pheller, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.

But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers.

Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn’t mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.

In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that “Wimmin’s rights” means, iz, more power, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the “magna-karta” which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a “wimmins right convenshun,” would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.

“Barney.” – I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants’ Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.

He slept sound last night, and hasn’t waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o’clock this morning.

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.

He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.