The Old Tobacco Shop

"Excuse me," said Aunt Amanda. It was evident that Mr. Punch was a talkative person. "Are you an Englishman?"

"Ho lor' miss, indeed!" said Mr. Punch. "A Henglishman as ever was, Hi assure you. But I 'opes I give myself no hairs."

Freddie gave up trying to understand the difference between air and hair; it was plain enough that the bald-headed man had never given himself any hair, so it couldn't be that. Anyway, this was an Englishman, and Freddie was glad that he would now probably have a chance to hear English spoken, which he had never heard before.

"Toby," said Aunt Amanda, "Freddie has seen the Sailorman from China, and he has a map. I'll tell you about it."

Thereupon she related the story of Mr. Lemuel Mizzen, as she had got it from Freddie. Mr. Toby and Mr. Punch were both tremendously impressed.

"It's too bad," said Mr. Toby, "this young feller here had to go and smoke the Chinaman's tobacco after I told him not to; it's too bad, that's what it is. What did you mean by it, sir?"

"Hit's a wery naughty haction indeed," said Mr. Punch. "Wery reprehensible. Wery. Hi carn't s'y as I ever 'eard of a thing so hextremely reprehensible. Now when Hi was a lad – "

"You don't say so!" said Mr. Toby. "Well, I don't see anything so very bad about it. I'd a' done it myself if I'd been in his place. What do you mean by saying that my Freddie's reprehensible? I won't have nobody callin' him names, I won't, and what's more – "

"No offense, Toby! No offense!" cried Mr. Punch. "Sorry, Hi assure you. Wery reprehensible of me to s'y such a thing. Wery. Pray be calm; be calm."

"Well, then," grumbled Toby, "don't you go and say nothing about Freddie, because – Anyway, let's have a look at the map."

At that moment there came a timid knock upon the door.

"Who next?" said Toby. "Come in!"

CHAPTER VIII

CELLULOID CUFFS AND A SILK HAT

The door opened, and there entered a poor-looking elderly man, bowing and scraping as he came, and saluting the company with an old rusty dented tall hat which he carried in his hand. The most striking thing about him was that he had a wooden leg. His hair was grey and thin, and his face was not very clean; there were signs of tobacco at the corners of his mouth. His clothes were frayed and patched, and there was a good deal of grease on his vest; he wore a celluloid collar without any necktie, and round celluloid cuffs; his coat-sleeves were much too short, and his cuffs hung out certainly three inches. Strange to say, his collar and cuffs were spotlessly clean, and presented quite a contrast to his very untidy face and clothes; but then, celluloid is easy to clean; much less trouble than washing the face. As he stumped into the room, he kept bowing humbly from one to another, and bobbing his old hat up and down in his hand.

"Ahem!" he said, making another bow. "I was just going by, and I thought I would drop in to – er – ahem! – I hope I am not in the way?"

"Oh, come in," said Toby, not very graciously. "As long as you are here, you might as well stay. This is Mr. Punch, and this is Freddie."

The elderly man bowed to Freddie, and went up to Mr. Punch and shook him cordially by the hand. He put his mouth quite close to Mr. Punch's ear, and lowered his voice, and said:

"Ahem! I'm delighted to know you, sir. I trust you are well. I have seen you often, but not to speak to. Ahem!" He lowered his voice again, and spoke very confidentially into Mr. Punch's ear. "The fact is, sir, that as I was going by, I suddenly found that I had left my tobacco pouch at home; most unfortunate; and I came in with the hope that perhaps – er – ahem! Very seldom forget my tobacco; very seldom indeed; perfectly lost without it; do you – er, ahem! – do you happen to have such a thing about you as a – er – ahem! – a small portion of – er – smoking tobacco? I should be very much obliged!"

"Sorry," said Mr. Punch, stiffly, backing away. "Hi never use tobacco in any way, shape or form."

The elderly man looked much disappointed, and sighed. He turned to Toby, and bowed and smiled hopefully.

"Perhaps Mr. Littleback – " he began.

"Not on your life," said Toby. "You don't get no tobacco out of me, and that's flat."

The elderly man sighed again, and looked steadily at Freddie; but he evidently thought there was no hope in that quarter, and he said nothing.

Freddie now realized who the elderly gentleman was. He had a wooden leg, and he never bought tobacco when tobacco he could beg – It was the Old Codger whom Mr. Toby had now and then sung a song about; one of his two friends, the one who was always begging tobacco, and never had any of his own. Freddie looked at him, and felt rather sorry for him.

"Ahem!" said the Old Codger with the Wooden Leg. "Very sorry to intrude, Miss Amanda. I hope I'm not in the way. It's very mild weather we're having."

"Now, then," said Toby, briskly, "let's look at this map."

As he said this, another knock was heard at the door; a firm and confident knock this time.

"Confound it!" said Toby. "Who next? Come in!"

The door opened, and another elderly man stepped in; a tall slim man, with very white hair and a long narrow face; he carried a tall shiny black silk hat in his hand; he wore a black suit, all of broadcloth, and his coat hung to his knees and was buttoned to the top; his cuffs and collar and shirt were of beautiful white linen with a gloss, and his tie was a little white linen bow. He came forward with an air of warm benevolence.

"My dear, dear friends!" he said, and stretched out both hands towards the company, as if to clasp them all to his heart. "What a beautiful, beautiful scene! So homelike, so cosy, so sociable, so – so – What can be so beautiful as the gathering together of friends about the family hearth! So beautiful!" There was a Latrobe stove in the room, but no hearth; however, that made no difference; he went, with his hands outstretched, to Aunt Amanda, and pressed one of hers in both of his.

The Old Codger with the Wooden Leg immediately sidled up to him, and while he was still pressing Aunt Amanda's hand, said, in a confidential tone:

"Ahem! I'm delighted to see you again. I trust you are well. The fact is, I find that I have – er – left my tobacco pouch at home, – most unfortunate; very seldom forget it; completely lost without it; I was wondering – er – ahem! – if you happened to have such a thing about you as a – "

"No!" said the other old man, changing at once from beaming benevolence to stern severity. "I'll be hanged if I do!" And he released Aunt Amanda's hand, and turned his back on the Old Codger with the Wooden Leg.

"Now," said Toby, "let's look at the map. This here is Mr. Punch, and this is Freddie."

The newcomer took Mr. Punch's hand in both of his and squeezed it softly; he then took Freddie's hand in both of his and pressed it tenderly. Freddie knew him. He was the "other Old Codger, as sly as a fox, who always had tobacco in his old tobacco-box." Freddie could hardly believe that that white-haired old gentleman could be as sly as a fox.

"My dear, dear friends!" said the Sly Old Fox. "What is so beautiful as the love of friends?" He stopped to glare at the Old Codger with the Wooden Leg, who looked away nervously. "The love of friends! Gathered together around the family hearth! How beautiful! It touches me, my friends, it touches me – "

"That's all right about that," said Toby. "For heaven's sake, let's look at the map!"

Aunt Amanda spread out the map on the table beside her, and the others gathered round.

"It's an island!" cried Toby.

"On the Spanish Main," said Aunt Amanda.

"The Spanish Main!" said the Sly Old Fox. "A beautiful country! Full of palms, – and grape-nuts, – What you might call a real work of nature! Full of parrots, and monkeys, and lagoons, and other wild creatures; a work of nature, my dear friends, a real work of nature."

"And pirates," said Freddie, earnestly.

"I said parrots," said the Sly Old Fox.

"I said pirates," said Freddie.

"Just what I said," said the Sly Old Fox. "That live in trees, my little friend, in trees; and have red and blue feathers, and – "

"Pirates don't have feathers," said Freddie.

"Dear, dear!" said the Sly Old Fox. "How can you say such a thing? How can you – ?"

"Did you ever see a pirate in a tree?"

"In cages, my dear little friend! Hundreds of them!"