Right Where We Belong

He was far more up front than anyone she’d ever encountered. Taken aback by his frank honesty, she struggled to find an appropriate response and wound up focusing on what concerned her most. That “spot of trouble” he’d mentioned might not be a small thing. Gordon’s behavioral difficulties from the same period—his truancy, lying, stealing and general belligerence—had revealed that something was wrong, and it was never fixed, or he would not have done what he’d done later in life. He’d merely learned how to hide his worst self so that he could meld into society.

Still, she didn’t know Gavin, didn’t know if his behavior had been worse or better than Gordon’s when they were young, and owed him the benefit of the doubt. Not every boy who attended a boys ranch turned out to be a violent criminal. “I appreciate the compliment. I do. After what I’ve been through, any kind word feels good. And I’m sorry about what I said regarding the boys ranch last night. Your past has nothing to do with anything.”

“Then you’re just not into me.”

He said that with a twinkle in his eye, as if he was man enough to take no, if that was her answer. This had to be the most emotionally brave individual she’d ever met. She couldn’t help admiring his self-confidence. Gordon would never have risked his ego that way. “It’s not you specifically. I’m done with men. All men. I wish I’d never gotten involved with the one I married.”

He peered at her closer. “Certainly you’ve had other males in your life, besides your ex, who haven’t been that bad.”

“If you count my father and brothers. But that’s about the limit of my experience. I never had a steady boyfriend before Gordon. I met him my first day of college and got pregnant eighteen months later, at which point we both dropped out of school to get married.”

“And the marriage lasted...”

“Until two months ago.” She hadn’t officially filed at that time, but that was when she’d first begun to doubt Gordon’s innocence, which was the point of the real rift.

“Which makes you...what? Twenty-nine?”

“In two weeks.” She assumed they were similar in age. From his appearance, he couldn’t be much older.

“That’s young to be so jaded.”

“I can’t help it.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“For...”

“Whatever he did.”

Apparently her kids had given up trying to find tadpoles. They were now scrounging around for rocks they could try to skip across the water. “So am I, especially for Branson and Alia.”

He moved to the back of the truck and lowered the tailgate. “I understand that you’ve been burned recently, but swearing off men completely seems a bit extreme. Surely you’ll recover at some point.”

“No. Never,” she insisted.

He started to slide out the two-by-twelves. “Never’s a long time. Won’t you get lonely?”

“Probably.”

“What will you do then?”

She drew a deep breath as she considered the question. It wasn’t realistic to think she wouldn’t crave some kind of companionship in the future. “Maybe I’ll become a lesbian.”

A grin tugged at his lips. She could tell he didn’t know whether to take her seriously. “Is that a joke?”

“No,” she said. Although this wasn’t an option she’d ever considered before, it did seem to solve the problem. She’d never heard of a woman raping anyone. Sure, that had probably happened somewhere in the world at one time or another, but the odds of encountering such an anomaly had to be small.

“You can’t judge all men by the actions of one,” he said.

He’d made that point before, but she was too traumatized to be so fair. “No, but I can take precautions.”

“Like changing your sexuality.”

“Yes.”

“That’s a pretty big deal. Please tell me you’re bi at least.”

“Not yet. But I’m hoping I’ll be able to change. I’m willing to try. I mean, I’ve already got kids, so I don’t need a man in order to have a family. And settling down with a sweet, harmless woman who will be happy to help me cook and clean and raise children—what could be better than that?”

As he carried two of the boards to a staging area near the moorings of the old bridge, she tried not to admire him in those jeans. He had one heck of a nice butt. She had to admit that much, despite her plans for a man-less future.

“I see your point,” he said when he returned. “A sweet, harmless woman who cooks and cleans has her merits. But not all women are harmless.”

She moved to get a two-by-twelve herself. But he was the one with the gloves. He waved her back, out of the way. “I got this.”

“The woman I find will be so passive and supportive she’ll barely say a word,” she told him. “I might even include that in my dating profile. ‘Seeking mild-mannered lesbian who loves children and books and abhors any kind of violence.’”

He laughed outright.

“What?”

“Why don’t you just advertise for a roommate? That might turn out to be a better fit.”

“No. Roommates come and go. I think I’ll stick with a same-sex relationship, so there’s a commitment involved, but add a line to my dating profile that says something like, ‘low libido a must,’ since I’m not sure I can please a woman in that way—or sleep with her in the first place.”

He laughed even harder. “Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.”

“Not until this moment.” She tapped her temple with one finger. “But it’s becoming clear.”

He returned to the truck for another load. “Won’t you miss having a man in your bed?”

At this moment, it didn’t seem like it. She shuddered whenever she thought of Gordon’s hands on her body. Knowing she’d been intimate with someone like that, someone so cruel, angry, selfish and deceitful, turned her stomach. And, in retrospect, some of the things he did—the way he liked to put his hands around her neck when they were making love—freaked her out. Had he been thinking about strangling her when he was moaning above her? Had such dark fantasies increased his pleasure?

Probably, given the type of person he’d turned out to be.

On the other hand, it was a man’s body that excited her. She’d never been aroused by any woman...

When she didn’t answer, Gavin looked up at her. “You’re thinking about it...”

“I’m thinking about passion.”

“Passion,” he repeated.

“Yes. The kind they portray in the movies. If that were real, men would be much harder to give up. But...”

“Wait—you’ve never felt that kind of desire? Not even when your relationship with your ex was new?”

“Maybe,” she admitted. But those feelings had faded fast. Toward the end, sex was more of a chore, something she simply tried to get through. Maybe that was why she felt she might be partially responsible for what Gordon did. She’d tried to hide her apathy, to summon some enthusiasm, but the possibility existed that she hadn’t done a very good job of faking it. “Right now that seems so long ago. Even if it was that way once, it didn’t last.”