The History of the Hen Fever. A Humorous Record

"The gentleman who became the fortunate purchaser of these fine fowls had come to the city in the morning for the purpose of posting himself up generally, and to procure a pair of these then very desirable birds, though he did not imagine that he would be called upon to come down so 'werry han'some' for a single pair. He saw these, however, and visions of brilliant promise loomed up before him, if he could contrive to obtain them, however high a figure this 'magnificent' twain might be held at. As soon as he secured them, he felt that his fortune was made.

"He calculated to remain in town until evening, and, sitting down, he hastily wrote a note to the keeper of a fashionable hotel in T – street, informing him that he would dine with him, and that the bearer would deliver him a pair of nice chickens, which he desired him to take charge of. He also directed the boy (to whom he gave this note and the coop) to say that he would take dinner with his friend at four p. m.; and, sending up the fowls, he turned to other matters, for the day.

"Arriving at the hotel, the youngster found the landlord, and said,

"'Here's a pair of rousing big chickens Mr. M – s has sent up; and he says he'll be here to dine with you at four o'clock,'

"The landlord supposed that his friend knew a hawk from a handsaw, as well as a canvass-back from a broiled owl; and believed that he had 'sent up' something a little extra for the proposed dinner. He therefore ordered the two birds to be placed in the hands of the cook, and gave directions also to have these 'model Shanghaes' killed and dressed at once, for the proposed dinner, to come off at four o'clock p. m.!

"This order was promptly obeyed; and at the hour appointed the chicken-fancier made his appearance, in company with a few of the 'boys,' and the dinner was served up with due accompaniments. After indulging in sundry wine bitters, as a sharpener to their appetites, the snug party sat down to table, and the liberal owner of the forty-dollar Shanghaes was politely invited to carve. While in the act of dissecting those enormous 'members of the late hen convention,' the amateur remarked,

"''Pon my word, Major, you've a noble pair of chickens here, to be sure.'

"'Yes, yes,' responded the Major. 'I think they are an indifferently good-sized pair of birds. They were sent up to me, to-day, by a mutual friend of ours. I think we shall find them choice.'

"'A present, eh?' said the owner, unwittingly. 'A very clever fellow our friend must be, Major. Capital, – really!' And as he finally commenced to enjoy the feast, he added, 'I declare they are very fine, and of the most delicious flavor I ever tasted. Juicy, too, – juicy as a canvass-back.'

"Thus continued the victim, praising the rich excellence of the birds, until at last he had bagged a bottle or more of sparkling Schreider. While chatting over their Sherry, at last, and enjoying the rich aroma of their regalias, the now unlucky owner of the model Shanghaes suddenly said,

"'By the way, Major, speaking of fowls, what do you think of my hen-purchase, this morning? Aren't they good 'uns?'

"'Well, Bill,' rejoined his friend, 'I think they were delicious. And I won't mind if you dine with me every day in the week, provided you can send me up such chickens as those!'

"'Such chickens!' exclaimed Bill, astounded, as the thought for the first time flashed upon him that he might possibly now have been dining upon his 'model Shanghaes.' 'Why, Major, what the deuce do you mean?'

"'Mean?' replied the Major; 'nothing, – only to say – without any intention of disturbing your nerves, – that we have just finished a most capital dinner upon those nice Shanghaes that you sent up to me, this morning.'

"'What!' yelled Bill, jumping wildly up from the table; 'what do you say, Major?'

"'Those Shanghaes – '

"Bill groaned, rammed his hands clean up to the elbows into his breeches-pockets, and, after striding fiercely across the room some half a dozen times, without uttering another word, but with his eyes all this time 'in a fine frenzy rolling,' he stopped short, and, turning to the Major, he exclaimed, with no little gesticulation,

"'Good God, Major, you don't mean to say you're serious, now?'

"'Nothing else, Bill. What's the matter?'

"'Why, I paid forty dollars for that pair of chickens, this morning, at the hen-show!'

"'You did!'

"'Yes. Didn't that stupid boy give you my note, when he left the chickens?'

"'Not a note; not even a due-bill,' said the Major, provokingly.

"'I mean my letter,' continued Bill.

"'No,' said the Major, 'he gave me no letter; he simply delivered the fowls, and informed me that you would dine with me at four p. m. I thought, of course, you would like them thus, and so I had 'em roasted.'

"Bill didn't stop for further explanations, but rushed for his horse and wagon, and wasn't seen in the city but once afterwards, for a long time. He was then closely muffled up, and had both his ears stopped up with cotton-batting, lest he might possibly hear some one say Shanghae!

"A few weeks afterwards, while passing near his residence, I halted, and dropped in upon him for an hour; and, after a while, I ventured to touch upon the merits and beauties of the different breeds of poultry; – but I discovered, at once, that there was a wildness about Bill's eyes, and therefore ceased to allude to this usually interesting 'rural' subject, as Bill exclaimed, imploringly,

"'Don't hit me, old boy, now I'm down! That chicken dinner has never yet digested!'"

Thus "passed away" one of the handsomest pairs of domestic fowls ever seen in this part of the country, and which were well known, by all the fanciers around me, as tip-top specimens of the then lauded race of Shanghaes.

This result proved rather an expensive dinner for Mr. M – s; but, while it served for an excellent lesson to him (as well as to many of his friends who chanced to hear of what the Major called "this capital joke"), he had the satisfaction, subsequently, of ascertaining that he got off at a remarkably low figure. His hen fever was very quickly, and fortunately, cured. But for this sudden and happy turn in his case, the disease might have cost him far more dearly.

The fowls he thus lost were what were then deemed "tall specimens;" but they did not, in this respect, equal those of a neighbor, who declared that a young Shanghae cock of his grew so high on the leg, that he got to be afraid of him; and, instead of eating him, one day while the rooster was in a meditative mood, he contrived to place a twenty-feet ladder beside him, and, mounting it, managed to blow out the monster's brains, greatly to the owner's relief.

CHAPTER XLII.

AN EMPHATIC CLINCHER

One of the last specimen letters that I will offer I received late in the year of our Lord 1854, which afforded me as much amusement (considering the circumstances of the case) as any one I ever yet received, of the thousands that found their way to "Geo. P. Burnham, Esq.; Boston, Mass." Here it is, word for word:

"Georg Burnam:

"More'n a yeer aggo i cent yu twenty six dollers in a leter for 3 coshin chiner Chickns, an yu sed tha wus perfeck pure bludds an yu lade yerseff lyble tu a Sute of prosekushn fer letin such dam stuf go intu yure yard or out of it, eether.

"i bred them orl by themselfs an never had no uther cockrill on my plase. an i no yu cheeted me like the devl, an yu no it 2. the fust lot of chickns i gut was awl wite as snobawls. but i didnt sa nothin, cause wy? Wat did I Want tu let fokes no ide bin fuled an suckt in by a Corntemtible yanky, fer! i sed nothin an kep shaidy, an stuk to it that i gut em to breed wite fouls out on – caus i Ment peeple shudent larf at me, no how!

"Wel, the nex lot of chickns i gut wus black as thunder! black, Geo Burnam – bred out of yur Patent yaller impoted preemum stock, that yu an the lyin Noospappers ced wus pure bludds. i chocked Every wun on em quicker 'n scatt– wen i found um, an ef Yude a bin thare then i guess you Wuddent razed not more'n ten thowsen more fouls to cheet Peeple with after ide a gut a holt on yure desaitful gullet.

"never yu mind now, yuve gut my monny an yu can maik the most of it. aint yu a Pooty kine of mann? dont yu think yu ort tu hav yure Naim put in the nuspapper an let em say more'n fifty times a Munth that yu breed onny pure Impoted stock? dont yu feel nice wen Yu heer about the luck that peeple has with the stuf you impose on em in this shaimfull maner? Yu muss be a Nise kine of a sort of mann, i dont think.

"i tell yu wot i think on yu. i think if yu Shud taik to sum onnest imploiment, sech as drivin a express Waggin or sorring wood, yude be Considurd a gentle mann Compaired with wat yu now be. everyboddy nose how yu ar cheetin and Gougin and bleadin the publick, an yur naim stinks wuss'n a ole Hen-cupe enny how. i spose tho ef yu shud taik to enny kine of onness sort of way tu git a livin it ud kill yu dam quik cos yu aint uste tu it, an that wud serv yu rite, yu Cheetin lyin onprinsipled nave. ide orter taikn bennits an Minur's advise, an then i Shudent bin suckt by yu. tha air Gentle mann to yu, an tha aint no better then tha shud be Neyther —no how!

"i dont mine the Eckspence, it aint no cornsidable matter of konsekens Tu me, i 'shure yu. i can stan it, yu needn't be Afeered of that. i can aford tu be suckt wunce. But ide like yu tu tell me how Blak chickns an wite chickns an sum of em orl Cullers tu, can cum out of pure bludded Aigs, or pure bludded fouls? tha carnt, an yu kno it. an yu kno'de it afore, an yure Welcom tu orl yule evver maik More out of me, bait yure life on that, georg Burnam!

"go ahed. suc em as long as Yu can. tha wunt fine yu out fer a wile, an yu can maik sum cornsidable mor Monny out of the flatts, yit. yu thort yude suckt me I spoze. well i own up. yu did. yu gut twenty six dollers of my monny an i spose yu chukled about it, same's yu did Wen yu stuk them roten aigs onto bill turner. Yude beter cum here, this wa, sum fine da an See the stock here thats bred out of yure preemum fouls. praps Yude git hoam agin without a saw hed. i think yu wood. haddn't yu Better try it on —hay?

"dont yu wish ide pade the postige on this leter? Yule git a wus wun nex time. ile rite yu agin, wunct a weak, cee ef i dont. ile Meat yu sum day at sum of the fares an then cee if i dont Rake yu down with a corse comb. i haint harf dun with yu yit, by a dam site. so wate.

    "In haist,
    "B – F – L – .

"Poss Skrip.– P.S. i seen in boston Times yisterday that yu 'Lade six aigs on The editurs table, 8 inchis long an 4 inchis Round.' This was put in that paper i Spose sose yu cud cell Aigs. yu ma pool wull over thair ies But yu dont fule Me. i doant bleeve yu ever Lade a aig in yur life – yu Hombugg. go tu the devl gorge Burnam!"

A German friend of mine once temporarily left the profession to which he had been educated thoroughly, and, with a few hundred dollars in hand, purchased a small place, a dozen miles out from the city, which was called by the seller of it "a farm."

Mynheer went to work lustily at his new vocation, slaving and sweating and puffing away over his lately acquired grounds, every moment of time that he could borrow or steal from his legitimate duties, and expending upon his "farm" every dollar he could rake and scrape together.

In the fall of his first year as a "practical agriculturist," I met him casually, and I said,

"A – , how does the farming succeed with you? How have you made it?"