Spellbound

Then—to my absolute shock and horror—Anthony winked at me. “Let me know when you’ve come to your senses.”

Before I could even respond, he strode away and flopped into his seat—even his walk was arrogant.

I heard Mr. Emerson coming up the stairs behind me, so I ducked into the English classroom—catching Cisco’s eye and trying to avoid Brendan’s. Great. The one time he actually shows up to class on time, he sees you get into a confrontation with his buddy.

“What was that about?” Cisco asked. I leaned over to tell him, but Mr. Emerson shuffled in, coughing with the tenacious remains of a nasty cold. He attempted to read a few lines of Shakespeare before launching into a fit of hacking and wheezing. I felt bad for Mr. Emerson, but truthfully, it was kind of gross. Finally, he gave up, forcing the class to read aloud instead.

“You.” He pointed at Austin before blowing his nose. “Read. Page seventy-three.” (Although with his cold, it sounded like “Debendy-dwee.”)

Austin beamed—anything for school spirit—and turned the pages to Shakespeare’s Sonnet 2, taking his task seriously.

“When forty winters besiege thy brow…” he began, and I darted my eyes around. I locked eyes with Anthony—who licked his lips at me. Oh, puke. I quickly broke eye contact.

“Gross,” I whispered to myself, staring down at my text book. Stare out the window, Emma. Yep, that’s a safe place. I twisted my head away from Anthony to face the eastern window, at the sun that was beaming in, and considered skipping my afternoon classes—I had to get out of that school. Besides, it was great running weather.

I sighed, losing myself in an extensive examination of my split ends. I was so overdue for a trim. My ends looked like tree branches. Why Anthony had any interest in me—I was hardly as polished as my classmates—I had no idea.

When Austin was done, Mr. Emerson asked for a volunteer to read the next sonnet, and Kristin raised her hand. Shocker! Eager to show off, her hand was raised so high that she only had one butt cheek left on her seat. Mr. Emerson flapped his hand in her direction, and she smiled primly.

Kristin stood up—Austin had stayed in his desk—and flipped her hair, overacting and putting a ridiculous amount of emotion behind every word. I sat there, bored, my head propped up by my hand, my eyes rolling so far back in my head I could practically see my own brain.

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” She was emphasizing the wrong words. I smirked to myself, listening to her emote. Cisco pretended to shoot himself in the head and I stifled a giggle fit. Then I went back to my split ends. Wow, I really needed a haircut.

“Emma.”

My head snapped to attention. Mr. Emerson was looking at me, and I’d been caught staring at my hair.

“Huh? I mean, what did you say, sir?”

“Please read Sonnet 29. And—” he broke into another coughing fit “—stand up.”

I flipped to the sonnet—oh, great. No matter what it meant to Shakespeare, it was going to take on a whole new meaning for me. Just try not to let your voice crack on the word outcast, Emma.

I took a deep breath and stood, holding my textbook in front of me. I put my fist to my mouth and exaggeratedly cleared my throat, an icebreaker which elicited a few laughs from the room. I started reading, in a clear, strong voice:

“When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries

And look upon myself and curse my fate…”

I paused, looking up at Mr. Emerson, and saw Brendan shifting in his seat. He turned sideways, folding his arms on the back of his chair and resting his cheek on his crossed arms. He looked up through those long black lashes. I bet if I touched them, they’d be velvet-soft. As his eyes found mine, I glanced back down at the words in my hands, holding the textbook in front of me like armor. I could still feel his eyes on me, but all I allowed myself to see was the black-on-white text I was gripping in my palms as I continued to read. Bravery—or stupidity, I couldn’t tell which—prompted me to meet Brendan’s eyes for the last two lines:

“For thy sweet love remember’d such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings.”

I smoothed my plaid skirt underneath me as I sat down, and Brendan was still turned around, looking at me. I kept my eyes on the sonnet, daring myself to meet his gaze and say, “What? What the hell do you want?”

Instead, wordlessly, I raised my eyes and, as if they were some kind of heat-seeking missiles, they locked with his. He slowly blinked—really, it was more like he’d closed his eyes for a full three seconds—then opened them again, still keeping my gaze. His face—frozen for the past two and a half weeks in still, unfeeling concrete whenever our eyes met—softened a bit, and I could have sworn I saw the corner of his mouth turn up in a smile.

Mr. Emerson finished his hacking cough, then called on another student. I broke the stare. Brendan turned away.

That afternoon in Central Park, Blink-182’s “Carousel” was at the top of my playlist as I ran faster, letting the crisp fall air fill my lungs with the familiar scent of grass and dirt and the newly familiar scents of hot dogs and pretzels warming on the carts that lined the pathways in the park.

I sang along, racing faster and listening to the track on repeat. “Go to your happy place,” I told myself, thinking of Cisco and Angelique—legitimate new friends, I considered them. And Jenn was cool enough to me, even though some days, she just didn’t talk to anyone. I daydreamed about Kristin getting an allergic reaction to a tanning session. Maybe she’d actually turn into an orange.

I closed my eyes, thinking of English class, how I’d identified with that sonnet. Feeling like an outcast, a loser but comforted by a great love. I longed to know what it felt like to have one person eclipse everything bad in your life—be a place of pure joy.

I stopped short, pausing for breath, and surveyed my surroundings. I was all the way over by the Bethesda Fountain. It was one of my favorite areas of the park—gorgeous, palatial. And still, all I could see was his face, and those eyes—which didn’t look like they hated me in spite of how he acted.

“Why can’t I get you out of my head?” I whispered, stopping in my tracks. “Brendan, I wish I just knew what your deal was.”

I leaned against a lamppost, trying to steady my breath and my thoughts. The light above me flickered, catching my attention. My back leaning against the post, I looked straight up into the light. It burned very brightly for a moment—as if it were on a dimmer switch that was suddenly put on full blast. I heard a crackling noise, and nervously stepped away from the lamppost—just as the light inside burst, shards of glass clinking against the frosted case. The smell of something bitter hit my nose, and I winced. It was suddenly very dark all around me—reminding me that it was getting too late—and I should go back home.

Chapter 4

“Hey, Emma, let me ask you about something.”

Cisco’s voice was low as he leaned forward the next day at lunchtime. I gave him a big smile. In spite of having just as much money as everyone else at school—his mom was a big-time doctor at Sloan-Kettering—he was above the whole stupid social caste system.

“Sure, what’s up?” I asked, picking my turkey sandwich to pieces. “By the way, you’d think this cafeteria could get a sandwich right. Look at this lettuce. I’d be better off eating my napkin.” I shuddered at the transparent, almost white leaf of romaine and pushed it away. Cisco leaned in closer.

“Come with me to the quad when you’re done eating,” he said. I looked at the sandwich, now strewn about my tray like doughy confetti.

“Uh, I think I’m done.” I laughed, surveying the mess I’d made, and walked with him to the door. I noticed he got very quiet until we were in the quad with no one within earshot.

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” Cisco asked, keeping his voice low as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his black pants. Oh, no. No, no, no. Please don’t tell me he’s asking me on a date.

“Friday? Nothing much,” I said, trying to sound casual. “Probably just going to the movies with my cousin, maybe play some pool after. What’s up?”

“Well.” he leaned in closer and his voice got lower. He sounded nervous. “My boyfriend Gabe’s band is playing at this bar farther up on the East Side, and I wanted to know if you wanted to come with us and hang out. I’m going with my cousin and some friends, and it could be fun.”

“Oh, that’s what you wanted to ask me?” I blurted out, relieved. It’s not that Cisco wasn’t cute—he was plenty cute, with thick chestnut hair and warm cocoa eyes. But, as much as I hated to admit it to myself, I’d lost interest in anyone who wasn’t him.

“You look relieved,” Cisco said, smiling at me.

“Honestly, I thought you were going to ask me out and I’m on, well, on a guy-cation. Like a vacation. But from guys,” I babbled on. “That probably sounds arrogant, but you know, we get along, you asked me all secretively, making me come out here….”

“Sweetie, you’re cute, but you’re so not my type.” He smirked, laughing. I pretended to be offended.

“I just don’t want anyone knowing my business,” Cisco continued, getting serious. “It’s my business and if you’re ever in the guys’ locker room, it’s ‘that’s so gay’ this, and ‘no homo’ that. Not exactly the most welcome coming-out party.”

“It’s never fun to be the one people are staring at,” I said, instantly understanding. I crossed my arms and looked down. “Exactly.”

“Let me check with my aunt and make sure it’s not a problem. I don’t think it will be.”