Can I Let You Go?: Part 3 of 3: A heartbreaking true story of love, loss and moving on

‘Good. Go on then. There are the bottles and the bottle brush in the sink ready. Just run the hot water and add a squirt of washing-up liquid. I know the bottles aren’t dirty, but they will be once you start using them. Always take off the tops of the bottles – the teats – to wash them.’

‘I’m good at washing up,’ Faye said. ‘I do it at home for Gran.’

‘Excellent.’ I stood to one side and watched as she slowly and rather laboriously began cleaning the first bottle. ‘That’s right, push the brush right down to the end of the bottle and turn it round and round,’ I said. ‘Great. Now the next one.’ She carefully set the first bottle on the draining board and picked up the next. ‘When you’ve had your baby and you are doing this for real, you’ll need to have bottles cleaned and sterilized in plenty of time so you always have a feed ready, but we’ll cover that another time.’

It took Faye a good ten minutes to wash and rinse the four bottles and teats and place them on the drainer. She set the bottle brush beside them and then carefully tipped the water from the bowl. She turned to me with a big smile of satisfaction from a job well done. ‘Can I put the milk in the bottles now?’

‘Not yet,’ I said, passing her the towel to wipe her hands. ‘We have to do something else first. Something very important. Can you remember what it is? If not, read number two on the list.’

She returned to the work surface and studied the instruction sheet for the sterilizer as I stood beside her. ‘What does number two say?’ I asked gently. ‘Do you know?’

‘I can read some of it,’ she said. ‘Two. Fill the …’ She didn’t know the next word.

‘Measuring jug,’ I read, then helped her with the rest of the sentence, ‘with two hundred millilitres of water. Here’s the jug,’ I said, passing it to her. ‘Can you see the line on the jug for two hundred mils?’

She studied the side of the jug and then pointed to the correct line.

‘Excellent,’ I said.

Pleased, she stood there looking at me, the jug in her hand.

‘What do you do now?’ I asked. She continued looking at me. ‘If you’ve forgotten, look at the instruction sheet again. I’ve written it to help you.’

She looked down at the sheet and read the line out again. ‘Fill the measuring jug with … Oh yes. I put the water in it.’

‘That’s right. Good. Use the cold water. Fill the jug to the line that shows two hundred mils.’ It was possible that Faye had never used a measuring jug before.

She turned on the cold tap and the water came out in a rush. ‘It’s too much,’ she said, panicking slightly and quickly turning off the tap again.

‘Don’t worry. Just tip a little out until you have about two hundred mils.’ She licked her bottom lip as she concentrated.

‘That’s two hundred,’ she said.

‘Excellent. Bring the jug over here and we’ll look at the next step.’

I helped her read the third stage, pointing to each word as we read: ‘Take out the tray in the sterilizer and pour the water into the base.’

I showed her where the tray was and she tipped in the water.

‘Good. Next,’ I said. ‘You’re doing well. It will all become easier with practice.’

‘Put the tray back in,’ she read.

I helped her slide it back into place and then we read the next step together: ‘Place the bottles and teats in the top.’ I did one to show her and she loaded the others.

‘Well done.’

‘Put the lid back on,’ she read slowly from the sheet.

‘And check it’s properly closed.’ I showed her how the lid went on the sterilizing unit.

She returned to the instruction sheet again and I helped her read the next line: ‘Place the sterilizer in the microwave.’

‘I know how to use microwaves,’ she said, pleased. ‘We have one at home.’

‘Great. They’re all slightly different, but the staff at the mother-and-baby home will show you how to use the one there. But, Faye, you understand that if you breastfeed you may not need to make up bottles. This is just in case you do need to.’ She looked confused, so I knew I should leave that explanation for another time and concentrate on the task in hand.

‘Open the microwave door and put in the sterilizer,’ I prompted. Which she did. ‘What do you do now?’

‘Switch it on?’ she said.

‘Yes, but for how many minutes? Look at the instruction sheet.’

I helped her read: ‘Set the microwave timer for six minutes.’ Then I showed her the timer. There was little point in writing instructions for my microwave, as the one at the home could be different again. I helped her set the dial and she pressed the start button. As the microwave whirred Faye returned to the instruction sheet and I helped her read the next step: ‘Do not take the lid off the sterilizer straight away. Let it cool for three minutes.’

‘That’s important,’ I said. ‘You must leave the sterilizer to stand for three minutes or the steam could scald you – burn.’

‘I know what three minutes is,’ Faye said proudly, raising her watch to eye level.

‘Yes. But it’s three minutes from when the microwave has finished. Not now. It’s still going, isn’t it?’ She nodded but continued to look at her watch.

Deep in thought, I looked at her. Performing a new task like this highlighted the extent of Faye’s learning difficulties. Sterilizing bottles using the microwave was a relatively quick and easy task, but I knew that Faye was going to have to repeat the process with me by her side many, many times before she could safely and competently do the task alone and just follow the step-by-step instructions. And of course she’d have to remember to clean and sterilize the bottles in the first place. Would a member of staff at the home remind her that they needed doing? Or would they view that as part of assessing her competency as a parent? I feared the latter, for if she couldn’t remember to wash and sterilize bottles at the home then the chances were she wouldn’t remember once she’d left.

The microwave pinged, signalling that the cycle had ended.

‘It’s finished,’ Faye announced, lowering her watch.

‘Yes, so what do you do now?’

‘Make up the bottle of milk,’ she said excitedly.

‘But not straight away. We have to leave the bottles to cool. For how long?’

There was a moment’s hesitation before she said, ‘Three minutes.’

‘Yes, that’s right. Good girl.’

‘I’ll tell you when three minutes is up,’ Faye said, pleased, and, raising her watch again, she began counting off the minutes. ‘Time’s up!’ she called.

I watched her as she carefully removed the sterilizer from the microwave and set it on the work surface, and then I showed her how to remove the lid.

‘Now we can make up the milk,’ I said. ‘What’s the first step?’

I pointed to the second sheet and together we read: ‘Wash your hands before touching the bottles.’

‘That’s important,’ I said. ‘The bottles are clean and you have to make sure your hands are too.’

She returned to the sink and I waited while she washed and dried her hands. Then, following the instructions, we began the process of making up a bottle of milk. Paula and Lucy wandered in and out in their dressing gowns a few times while we were working but did eventually get dressed.