Cruel to Be Kind: Saying no can save a child’s life

‘Make sure you look after him proper. Understand? When I see him I’ll ask him how you’ve been treating him.’

‘He’ll be well cared for,’ I said evenly. ‘Now I’m going to have to go to collect my children. Thank you for phoning.’

‘If those stupid girls had done what they were supposed to, none of this would have happened. Silly bitches,’ she fumed.

I assumed she meant her teenage daughters. I didn’t comment but rounded off the conversation as politely as I could. ‘I hope you feel better soon.’

‘What do you care?’ she snapped, and the phone went dead.

I left the house to collect Paula and Adrian, agitated, worried, and annoyed with Jo for giving Max’s mother my telephone number without mentioning it to me or advising her on when to use it. Telephone contact between the child and their family is often part of the contact arrangements, but it has to be regulated or it can become a nuisance for the foster family, and upsetting for the child when they are trying to settle in. It’s certainly not supposed to be used to harass and threaten the carer. I’d raise it with Jill and Jo when I saw them later, out of earshot of Max. The poor child, I thought. It’s so important for any child coming into care to see their parents getting along with the foster carer and working together with them – it helps the child come to terms with what has happened.

This certainly wasn’t the best start. There is so much more to fostering than just looking after the child, which is often the easiest and most pleasant part. However, I consoled myself that Caz was angry that her child was coming into care, and hopefully things would settle and improve as time went on. I had no idea how long Max would be staying with me, but that’s often the case in fostering. Perhaps it would just be for the time his mother was in hospital, although the social services would need to be certain he would be well cared for and safe before they returned him home.

Half an hour later I’d collected Paula from her friend’s house and Adrian from school, and as we walked home I was telling them about Max. It was the beginning of July and the day had turned very warm, so I was carrying their jerseys as well as Adrian’s school bag; he had his games kit to carry.

‘Max is a nice name,’ Paula said, giving a little skip and already excited at the prospect of a new playmate.

‘Yes, it is,’ I agreed.

‘Can we play in the garden when Max arrives while you and the social worker talk?’ Adrian asked, aware that the adults did a lot of talking when a child was first placed.

‘Yes, if Max wants to,’ I said. ‘But remember, he might be shy and uncertain to begin with. He’ll be missing his family and everything will be new and strange to him.’ However, if Max did want to go into the garden to play with Adrian and Paula while the social worker and I talked, it would make discussing his situation considerably easier. She would need to share information about Max, his family and home life with me and it’s not usually appropriate to do so in front of the child, so if Max could be entertained in the garden, so much the better.

‘He could have an ice cream if he’s upset,’ Adrian suggested cannily.

‘And me,’ Paula said. ‘It’s not fair if just Max has an ice cream. Adrian and me should have one too.’

‘I think that’s what Adrian meant, isn’t it?’ I said, throwing him a knowing smile.

‘Doh!’ he said to Paula. ‘As if Mum would just give Max an ice cream and leave us out.’ There was ice cream and similar sweet desserts in the freezer, but generally I liked the children to have dinner first.

‘Yippee! We’re going to have fun and an ice cream,’ Paula said, delighted. Dropping my hand, she began hopscotching along the pavement.

I hoped that some of their enthusiasm for having Max to stay would help him. I’d found in the past that often the child I was fostering bonded with my children first before me, and once a child starts playing, their anxiety begins to lift. Although, of course, I guessed that Max, like most of the children I’d fostered, was going to be upset to begin with at being separated from his family and having to live with strangers, albeit well-meaning ones. I was expecting tears and sleepless nights at the start. But usually by the end of the first week, when the child is more familiar with their foster family and the new routine and is seeing their parents regularly at contact, they are less anxious.

Once we were home I made the children a cold drink and a snack and then I went with them into the garden to unlock the shed where I kept the outdoor toys. It’s part of every foster carer’s safer caring policy that sheds and similar outbuildings are kept locked. We took out a selection of toys for them to play with, including Adrian’s bicycle, the spare bike for Max, Paula’s tricycle, the doll’s pram, skateboard and a football. The mini goalposts were still up at the end of the garden and the covered sandpit sat closer to the house. Adrian immediately began practising goal shots while Paula rode her tricycle. I returned indoors to prepare dinner so we could eat as soon as Jo and Jill had left. They were expected around five o’clock and from experience I was anticipating them staying for at least an hour, possibly much longer, when placing a child.

I could see the children from the kitchen window and as I worked, I glanced up regularly to make sure they were all right. My thoughts went repeatedly to poor little Max who at this moment was being told by his social worker that he wouldn’t be going home. What a dreadful shock – to go to school in the morning as normal and then not be allowed home at night. My heart went out to him. How was he coping?

About half an hour later, hot from playing, Adrian and Paula came in and sat in the cool living room where Toscha, our cat, was already spread out on the floor by the toy box. I’d put some games and toys in there in case Max didn’t want to go outside. Most children can’t resist toys, and Adrian and Paula began doing some puzzles. After about ten minutes, just as I’d finished preparing the dinner for later, the doorbell rang and it was Jill. She greeted me with a warm smile and, ‘Hi, Cathy, how are you?’

‘We’re good, thank you. Would you like a drink?’

‘A glass of water, please.’

I asked her to come with me into the kitchen, as I needed to tell her something. She called hi to Adrian and Paula as she passed the living-room door and once in the kitchen I quickly told her of the phone call I’d received from Max’s mother.

‘That’s not on,’ she said. ‘I’ll raise it with Jo. She should have asked you or me first before she gave out your details. She’ll need to speak to his mother and explain that’s not acceptable. Are you all right taking Max to the hospital to visit her?’ Foster carers are expected to transport the child or children they look after to and from contact.

‘Yes, although I’ll have to take Adrian and Paula with me. I can’t leave them with a sitter every time. Do we know how long Max will be seeing his mother for each evening? Visiting is two till eight.’

‘I don’t know yet. We’ll raise it with Jo, and also find out if you have to stay on the ward with him. There’s a café in the hospital with a children’s play area. It would be better if you could wait there.’

‘Yes, thanks. That would be useful. I doubt if there’d be time for me to come home.’

I handed her the glass of water and we went into the living room and settled on the sofa and chair. Jill asked Adrian and Paula how they were.

‘Very well, thank you,’ Adrian said politely. Paula went into shy mode and came over and sat on my lap, even though she knew Jill from previous visits.

‘Are you looking forward to meeting Max?’ Jill asked, making conversation and trying to put them at ease.

Paula managed a small nod, while Adrian said a rather formal, ‘Yes, thank you.’

Jill smiled. ‘It’s a lovely day,’ she said, glancing towards the garden.

‘They’re hoping Max will want to play outside,’ I said. The patio doors were slightly open and through them came the warm air and the sounds of summer.

‘I’m sure he will,’ Jill said. ‘You’ve got a nice big garden to run and play in.’

A few minutes later the doorbell rang. ‘That’ll be Jo with Max,’ I said, lifting Paula from my lap and standing. Toscha also looked up.

Paula slipped her hand into mine and came with me, while Adrian stayed with Jill. I opened the front door with a warm, welcoming smile. ‘Hello, I’m Cathy.’

‘Hello, Cathy, I’m Jo, and this is Max.’

My gaze went to the child standing beside Jo and I had to hide my shock. Dressed in a light blue shirt and navy trousers from his school uniform, he was sweating profusely. Beads of sweat stood on his forehead and ran down his face. His hair glistened and his shirt was wringing wet. He had one hand resting on the wall to support himself, as an elderly person might, and he was struggling to catch his breath. Yes, it was a warm day, but that didn’t account for Max’s obvious distress. What was responsible – and what no one had thought to mention – was that Max was dreadfully overweight.

‘He needs to sit down,’ Jo said, coming in. ‘He’s got an inhaler in here somewhere.’ She began undoing the school bag she was holding as Max took hold of the doorframe and heaved himself over the doorstep into the hall.

‘Sit down here, love, until you get your breath,’ I said, directing him to the chair we kept in the hall by the telephone.

He dropped into it as Jo took his inhaler from his school bag, shook it and passed it to him. ‘Do you know how to use it?’ she asked.

Max nodded, gave it another shake, put it to his mouth, took a deep breath, held it and then exhaled. Jo looked as worried as I was.

‘I didn’t know he had an inhaler,’ I said to her. The foster carer should be told of any medical conditions during the first phone call about the child.

‘I didn’t know either until I collected him,’ Jo said, clearly stressed. Max took a second breath from his pump.

‘Has he got asthma then?’ I asked. Clearly I needed to know so I could be prepared.

‘I’m assuming so. I’ll find out when I see Caz later.’

Max had administered the second pump and now returned the inhaler to Jo. ‘It’s just two pumps?’ she asked him.

‘Yes,’ he said, his voice husky.

Jill appeared at the end of the hall. ‘Is everything all right?’ I could tell from the look on her face that she hadn’t been informed of Max’s asthma or obesity either. Paula had taken a few steps back and was looking at Max from a short distance, very concerned. In addition to the drama of him needing his asthma pump and Jo’s and my concern, this clearly wasn’t the child Paula had been expecting. He wasn’t simply chubby or what one would describe as a bit overweight; my guess was that he was at least twice the size he should have been, overfed to the point where it was obviously affecting his health and quality of life.