Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children

Freedom is fantastic as long as it is controlled and moderated by someone who knows better than the child and has the child’s best interests at heart. This is the reason we, as parents, put in place boundaries that set limits on the freedom of behaviour, beyond which the child may not go. Boundaries of acceptable behaviour show the child how to behave and take his or her place in both the family and society at large. During the process of putting in place boundaries, the young child will be encouraged to do certain things and stopped from doing other things – by example, through verbal direction and ultimately by the parent’s action. If, as the parent, you Request your child to do something, or stop doing something negative, then you must see through your Request – Request, Repeat and Reassure, where Reassure becomes Reaffirm as you make the toddler do as you have asked.

My heart always goes out to the harassed mother in the supermarket who is trying to reason with her toddler to get into the pushchair, or return a packet of sweets to the shelves, and receiving in return absolutely no cooperation and instead a cute smile or a defiant ‘No. Won’t!’ Verbal persuasion is fine, and indeed it is an intrinsic part of the 3Rs, but this is the point where Request and Repeat becomes Reaffirm, and the result is achieved by gently but firmly making the child do as you have reasonably Requested, using physical means if necessary.

Smacking

I need to say at this point that I would never smack or physically punish a child in any way. It is illegal for child-minders or foster carers to smack a child in their care, and to smack a child who is not your own could result in a prosecution for assault. It isn’t illegal in the UK for a parent to smack their child, as long it falls within ‘reasonable chastisement’ and the smack is not hard enough to leave a mark. However, smacking suggests a loss of control on the part of the parent and sets a bad example to the child. If you smack, your child is likely to follow your example; and the bottom line is that smacking is a form of abuse. You wouldn’t want your child smacking or hitting anyone else; indeed you would tell him or her off for doing so. It is worth noting that since Sweden banned smacking, child deaths at the hands of parents have fallen to nil; in Britain there are still more than one a week. Countless studies have shown that smacking is not a successful tool for managing a child’s behaviour and can leave psychological scars well into adulthood. It’s far better to apply positive guidance following the 3Rs approach, where your child does as you have asked without physical punishment.

Let’s take a closer look at how the 3Rs technique works in practice, using the example of the toddler who won’t get into its pushchair in the supermarket. This example is a good working model for all other behaviour where a toddler won’t do as requested.

First you Request the child to get into its pushchair, giving the reason –‘Claire, get into your pushchair now, love. We need to go through the checkout.’You say it kindly but firmly, and in an even voice. This is the voice of the parent who is in charge, and the voice that the child will be learning comes with a reasonable request. If your child refuses, you Repeat the Request more firmly –‘Get into the pushchair now, please. We need to go through the checkout.’If there is still no cooperation, then you Reaffirm by telling your child what you are going to do, i.e. what will happen if the child doesn’t do as you have asked, which in this case will be to put Claire into the pushchair.

You should always warn the child what you are going to do – i.e. what the consequences of their non-cooperation will be. This gives the child another opportunity to do as you have Requested (the final opportunity); also, when you see through your Request with physical action, it won’t startle or frighten the child. Suddenly picking up a fractious child and strapping him or her into the pushchair is likely to make them even more resistant (and fractious).

But don’t get into a debate about the whys and wherefores of what you have asked your child to do. Children of all ages can be very good at debating when they don’t want to comply, and a lengthy and heated discussion will only make you more frustrated and challenge your Request and authority. You can discuss the pros and cons of why you needed the child’s cooperation later, when the child has done as asked and is more open to reason. For now you have reasonably Requested your child to do something, giving the reason, and Repeated the request, and the child must do as he or she has been asked. You are the parent and you are in charge.

Do not back down. This is important: otherwise your Request will sound hollow next time. However, you can modify your Request if you think it is appropriate. For example,‘Get into the pushchair now, Claire, and you can walk when we are out of the supermarket.’

So the final Request is made and the consequences for the child, if she doesn’t comply, stated –‘Claire, get into your pushchair, now please. Otherwise I will have to put you in.’You can now offer a reassuring and guiding hand, directing Claire into the pushchair. But if Claire is still refusing, then you gently but firmly lift her into the pushchair and fasten the safety harness.‘Well done, Claire. You stay there.’

If you and Claire have had similar experiences before while shopping and you employed the 3Rs technique and saw through your Request, then there is less likelihood that Claire will make a scene – she will do as you have asked. Whatever the situation, each time you use the 3Rs the result will be achieved more quickly. The child learns that he or she might as well cooperate and receive your praise, as protest is pointless because he or she will be doing what you have asked anyway.

When the child does as you have asked, praise him or her; positive encouragement is essential for implementing and maintaining good behaviour. But don’t go over the top, particularly if the child has resisted –‘Good girl’or‘Well done’is sufficient.

Tantrums

If the child isn’t used to cooperating and you are now having to modify his or her behaviour, or if the child has decided that he or she is going to test the boundaries, be prepared for a scene. Tantrums are natural for this age group, and any parent who claims their child has never had a tantrum is lying. Don’t back down, no matter how bad the tantrum; see through your Request. It will be far easier next time – clear and consistent boundaries are crucial for developing good behaviour.

I know it’s embarrassing having a child screaming and shouting in a public place. Everyone looks at you with disapprobation; even other mothers take on a holier-than-thou expression, as though their little darlings would never be so wilful. Ignore them, or smile sweetly (through clenched teeth if necessary). You are in charge of your child, you are doing what is best for him or her and ultimately it’s nothing to do with the onlookers. I was once in a shop when an exasperated mother, struggling with her wilful child at the checkout, turned to the woman behind and hissed, ‘And what the hell are you looking at?’ Not very polite, but I could sympathise; every mother has felt like that at some time.

Regardless of how loud your child is yelling, or how much you wish the ground would open up and swallow you, it is essential you do not give in to the tantrum. By all means talk calmly to the child – communication is always important – and Repeat, Reassure and Reaffirm what you have asked for – ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we have left the supermarket.’

If Claire breaks free of the pushchair, then pick her up and put her in again. Reassure and Reaffirm – ‘You are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket’ – for as many times as is needed and until you have left the supermarket. I know it’s hard work, but if the ground rules are put in place now it becomes a lot, lot easier when the child is older.

Rewards

You can add a reward for later, but don’t bribe: it weakens your position. Never say, ‘If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets,’ because I guarantee that the next time you go shopping the child’s behaviour will be even worse. Children are not daft, and if a tantrum brings sweets then a tantrum he or she will have. I have fostered children who have actually said, ‘If you don’t buy me that I’ll scream.’ Such blackmail is inappropriate control, and had I given in it would have been an open invitation for the child to behave the same way next time, probably upping the stakes with a bigger demand. What you can say, by way of a reward is, ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket, and then we could go to the park.’ But only if going to the park fits in with your plans and you can keep your promise.

If you offer a reward or incentive for completing some good behaviour, then make sure you give the reward. A broken promise or unkept incentive is worse than no reward at all. Not only will the child begin to distrust what you say, so that any further offer of an incentive will be met with scepticism and doubt (and make the incentive worthless), but the child will see the unfairness in the broken promise. Children of all ages base much of their moral code on fairness, and will often take any unfairness very personally, more so than adults.

I often foster older children with serious behavioural difficulties or ‘challenging behaviour', as it’s sometimes euphemistically called. With these children comes years of unruly, demanding and anti-social behaviour that has to be unlearned before there is any improvement. I am guaranteed full-scale tantrums in public places in the early days when the child doesn’t get everything he or she wants. And if you thought a two-year-old had a good set of lungs, you want to hear a nine-year-old in full flight! Assured of getting his or her own way from years of learned negative behaviour, the child lies in the middle of the supermarket aisle and screams insults and abuse, while thrashing his or her limbs for full effect. It’s a showstopper, believe me. I have to remain calm and wait for it to pass, talking to the child, Reassuring and Reaffirming when they pause for breath. The 3Rs works whatever the child’s age, although it can take longer to change negative behaviour permanently with the older child where the behaviour has become ingrained.

One foster carer I know employed a different strategy when the child she was looking after erupted for the umpteenth time in the middle of a busy store, and turned the tables. Instead of cringing with embarrassment and trying to hide behind the water melons, which is very tempting, she called attention to the child by inviting the onlookers to have a closer look –‘Come and see. Shane is having another tantrum,’she announced in a loud voice to those staring. ‘Ithink he’s a bit old for that!’The child was so surprised and embarrassed by the attention (which was less welcome after his carer’s comments) that he immediately got up from the floor, quietly, and never did it again. I’m not recommending this as a strategy for managing tantrums, but it is a neat example of how reverse psychology can work.

The example of toddler Claire and the pushchair shows how the 3Rs technique works when a child is refusing to do something that you have reasonably Requested. The technique is used in exactly the same way if you want a child to stop doing something.

If toddler Tom is busy running his toy lorry over the coffee table, where it’s likely to scratch the polished surface, you Request,‘Tom, please use the floor/playmat as a road for your lorry. The metal wheels will scratch the coffee table.’If Tom doesn’t stop, you Repeat the Request, guiding him and the lorry to the floor or playmat, and praise him –‘Good boy'.If he returns the lorry to the table, then Repeat the Request, this time stating the consequences –‘Tom, play with the lorry on the floor, please, where I have shown you. Otherwise I will have to put the lorry away for now.’If Tom defies you and continues to run the lorry over the table, then gently (don’t snatch) take the toy away from him for a set period of time, telling him what you are doing and why –‘Tom, I asked you to play with the lorry on the floor and you didn’t. I’m now putting the lorry away for ten minutes. Then you can have it back to play with on the floor.’

When you return the lorry, ten minutes later, place it on the floor where Tom should be playing, and praise him –‘Good boy, play with the lorry on the floor.’The likelihood is that Tom will now do as you have asked, depending on whether you have seen through your Request before. If Tom defiantly returns the lorry to the table, then make another Request, with the consequences –‘Tom, I have asked you to play with your lorry on the floor, and if you don’t, I’ll put the lorry away for longer.’If he continues, then take the lorry away for thirty minutes.

When you return it, put in on the floor where he should play and Reaffirm –‘Good boy, play with it there.’Assume he will do as asked; don’t wait around expecting to be challenged. If Tom still defies you, then put away the lorry for the rest of the morning or afternoon –‘Tom, I think it’s better for you to play with something else today.’

When you return it, assume he will do as asked, so that you are starting with a clean slate. If he does return the lorry to the table, then take it away for the rest of the day and the following day return it quietly to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue. When Tom rediscovers the lorry the incident of the previous day will be a thing of the past – for both of you.

Be consistent

The boundaries and rules you put in place must be clear and consistent. It is pointless not allowing Tom to play with his lorry on the table one day and then allowing it another day. Children can have very long memories, and will quickly spot inconsistencies or injustice – ‘But you let me do it yesterday’ – and I’m afraid no justification on your part will make up for the obvious: that mum’s rules are pliable and therefore can be bent. And don’t let your child manipulate you – ‘Can I have my lorry on the table if I don’t move the wheels?’ You have made the decision, which is based on your experience that it is inadvisable, so the answer is ‘No'.

You can compromise, but only if it is an acceptable compromise to you, and one that you allowed from the start – ‘You can play with the lorry on the table, but I’ll put a cloth on the table first so it won’t get scratched.’ At this age children are learning all about compromise through sharing their toys with others, and compromise is an essential lesson for later life. But again, be consistent. If it is OK for Tom to play on the table covered with a cloth one day, then that is always the case.

Some Techniques (#)

Before we look at the next phase in a child’s development, I want to pause to look at some general strategies and observations which apply to managing children of all ages. Some of what follows may be obvious, and you may already be aware of, or using, the approach; other points will give you an insight into a new (or improved) way of guiding your child into a happy, confident and well-behaved individual.

Positive rather than negative

Always take a positive view, and assume that good behaviour in your child is the norm. Start each day afresh and do not hang on to past grievances. Children quickly move on and forget their bad behaviour. They want your praise for doing what is right, so they won’t dwell on instances when they didn’t get it right, and neither should you.

You, as the parent, need to set the example, the base line, when it comes to assuming positive behaviour. If your child misbehaves, act surprised – ‘Good heavens, Tom! You know you don’t do that.’ And if Tom persists in misbehaving, then employ the 3Rs – Request, Repeat and Reaffirm. You can refer to a previous negative incident if Tom is repeating an act that you have already dealt with, but don’t labour the point – ‘Tom, I told you yesterday why you mustn’t run your lorry over the coffee table. Play with it on the floor. Good boy.’ Tom will more than likely now do as you have asked. He wants to be liked and he doesn’t want the lorry to be taken away again. But if Tom doesn’t comply then calmly warn him of the consequences, as you did the day before and, if necessary, remove the lorry, returning it later to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue.

It is essential to be positive and assume good behaviour in your child, as otherwise you will be setting yourself up for failure. Your feelings of negativity will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your expectations of bad behaviour met. The term ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ applies to many situations, throughout life, and is a useful concept to remember when managing your child. Simply, it is a prediction that causes itself to become true. So that if you are in a negative frame of mind and expecting the worst, then almost certainly the worst will come to you. Conversely, if you are positive, then your body language will express this in hundreds of subtle signals that others subconsciously pick up and react to. Some studies have suggested that non-verbal communication – i.e. body language – accounts for 55 per cent of our communication, with tone of voice making up 38 per cent and words a mere 7 per cent. Children (and adults) read non-verbal signs and act accordingly.

When managing your child’s behaviour, feel positive and act positively, even if things aren’t going well. Your child will tune into your positive ‘vibes': Mum likes me, and Mum knows I’m going to behave, therefore I will. Remember that children are not born to challenge you and misbehave; there is no naughty gene, despite what you might feel sometimes. Children are clean slates upon which you can write. Even if there has been a lot of negative behaviour in the past, using the 3Rs you can wipe the slate clean and by being positive improve your child’s behaviour.

Control

Much of managing a child’s behaviour is about control – yours and the child’s. Clearly you should not be a control freak, trying to remove all traits of assertion or individuality from your child. But children of all ages need their parents to be in control and to guide them. Every day brings new situations for the developing child, where decisions have to be made, advice given and control implemented by you.

Before you ask a child to do something, or stop him from doing something, always make sure what you are asking is a reasonable and necessary Request. You will know if it is reasonable because there will be a reason attached to it – ‘Tom, please don’t pull the cat’s tail. It’s unkind and hurts the cat.’ This is a reasonable Request and you can see it through using the 3Rs.

But what about this? ‘Tom, don’t bang that drum. It’s getting on my nerves.’ Is this reasonable? Possibly. The relentless banging of a drum at close proximity is enough to get on anyone’s nerves. But wouldn’t it be more reasonable to say, ‘Tom, take the drum into the front room/down the garden, please, where it’s not so loud for me.’ I think this is more reasonable. Tom can have his fun, and you, the parent, will not have your nerves shredded by the relentless banging. If Tom refuses what is now a Reasonable Request, then employ the 3Rs to see through your Request.

It is surprising just how many of these little ‘reasonableness’ situations there are every day, and we need to base our Requests on what is reasonable for both us, the parents, and the child. Here are some examples:

* It is reasonable for Tom to sit at the table and eat nicely.

* It is reasonable for Tom to use an overall when painting so that his clothes don’t get spoiled.

* It is reasonable for Claire to have her hair washed, although she doesn’t like it.

* It is not reasonable to switch off the television in the middle of Claire’s favourite programme (which she always watches) to have her hair washed because that is what you have decided. Insisting on this because it suits you is an unnecessary and unhealthy form of control.

* It is not reasonable for Tom never to be allowed to paint because of the mess he will make. Tom needs to play (and make a mess), and he can be taught to help clear up.

Control isn’t only about you, the parent, steering your child to good and acceptable behaviour: it is also about the child’s right of control. Children of all ages need some control over their lives in order to grow into healthy responsible adults. If children are never allowed to make their own decisions (and mistakes), they will have nothing on which to base teenage or adult decision making. The child will feel that he or she has no right to an opinion, no voice and therefore little or no control over their life. This leaves them very vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who wants to dominate or use them; it is exactly this type of child (and adult) who is taken advantage of, or even abused. Parents who are over-controlling tend to produce either introverted and excruciatingly shy children, or those who fly in the face of convention and the law, often into their late teens and early twenties.

Alternatively, a child who has been given no control, and therefore no moral code to guide them when decision making, can rebel as a teenager and become out of control – and thus a danger to themselves and others.

Control is therefore about balance, with the parent exerting enough control to socialise the child, but not so much as to obliterate individuality, spontaneity or character. Encourage appropriate control in children through their decision making, allowing freedom of choice where appropriate. If you decide something isn’t appropriate, then explain why and see through your reasonable decision, using the 3Rs.