Can I Let You Go?: A heartbreaking true story of love, loss and moving on

Faye nodded and pressed her forefinger on the image. ‘A cat,’ she said, pleased.

‘Yes, that’s right. He’s called Sammy. We used to have a cat called Toscha, but she grew very old and died. Sammy is only two. We haven’t had him long. He’s from a rescue centre.’

‘That’s nice,’ Becky said encouragingly. ‘You like cats, don’t you, Faye?’

Faye gave a small nod and flashed me another cautious smile, then returned her attention to the photographs. The photographic tour continued upstairs with pictures of our bathroom and bedrooms. There were about twenty photographs in all, and every so often Wilma would say something like, ‘That’s nice,’ and Stan would nod, while Faye looked at the pictures very carefully, taking it all in. Doubtless she was overwhelmed by all the changes she was about to face, as most children are before they come into care. These photographs would hopefully help to reassure and prepare her, so that when she arrived my home and family wouldn’t be completely strange to her. The last photograph was of what would soon be Faye’s bedroom, and she peered at it closely.

‘It’ll look better once you have your belongings in there,’ I said. I’d taken the photograph between one child leaving and the next arriving. It was a comfortable room but plain without personal possessions, and decorated in neutral colours so it would suit a child of any age and of both sexes.

‘I like the duvet,’ Faye said.

‘Good. You can use that one if you wish or choose one from the others I have. Or you may prefer to bring one from home.’

Faye looked at her gran for direction. ‘She may as well use yours,’ Wilma said. ‘No point in moving her stuff if she doesn’t need to.’

I hesitated and then Becky said exactly what I was thinking. ‘It will be nice for Faye to take some of her possession with her. It’ll make her feel more at home and help her settle.’

Wilma gave a small, stiff nod as though acknowledging what Becky had said while not necessarily agreeing with it. I suspected Wilma was used to being agreed with and organizing Stan and Faye.

‘I can use my car to move whatever Faye wants to bring,’ I offered, wondering if this could be a problem, given the grandparents’ limited mobility.

Wilma gave the same small, stiff nod.

‘Have a think about what you want to take,’ Becky said to Faye.

Having come to the end of the album, Wilma closed it and handed it back to me.

‘Thanks for bringing that,’ Becky said. ‘Perhaps you could say a few words about you and your family, now we know what you all look like.’

This was usual at an introductory meeting and it gave the young person a flavour of what family life with the foster carer would be like. I began by saying a little about what Adrian, Paula and Lucy were doing in terms of work and college, and a description of our weekday routine. ‘At weekends we sometimes relax at home,’ I continued. ‘At other times we go out to places of interest, for a walk, to the cinema or to visit family and friends. It’s very flexible. What sort of things do you like to do?’ I asked Faye.

She met my gaze and shrugged. ‘She’s usually with us,’ Stan said, joining the conversation. ‘We don’t get out much.’

‘She shouldn’t really be going out in her condition,’ Wilma added.

I assumed she was referring to Faye’s pregnancy. It seemed an odd thing to say, but I didn’t comment.

‘I’m sure Cathy will think of some nice places to go,’ Becky said to Faye, and she smiled shyly. Edith had told me that Faye wouldn’t give me any trouble, and I could see what she meant. My first impression was that Faye – compliant, malleable and, it appeared, highly reliant on her gran – could do with being a bit more assertive, as Becky had hinted on the phone. Despite Faye’s learning disabilities, she would have opinions and views of her own, but they needed drawing out. Although I still had reservations about how my family and I were going to cope with Faye giving up her baby, I’d obviously do my best for her.

‘Faye has a schedule of antenatal appointments,’ Becky now said to me, moving on. ‘She has a maternity folder containing all the information you need, and notes on her check-ups and antenatal test results. The folder will be passed to you when she moves.’

‘And you mentioned a day centre? Will she still be going there?’ I asked.

‘If Faye wants to,’ Becky said. It felt slightly uncomfortable discussing Faye rather than asking her, but to some extent this was unavoidable due to her learning disabilities.

Faye had looked sheepishly at her gran when I’d asked the question about the day centre, as if she’d done something wrong.

‘Now she’s showing, some of the others who go there talk about her and point,’ Wilma said. ‘It’s not their fault, they don’t understand, but it’s not nice for Faye.’

‘Do you want to go to the day centre?’ Becky asked Faye.

She shrugged and looked at her gran again. ‘I don’t mind.’

‘Let’s see how you feel after the move,’ Becky said, and wrote on her notepad. ‘I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable going there, but it does give you the opportunity to socialize. Perhaps if I have a word with the care workers?’ she suggested.

Faye looked at Wilma, who gave a stilted nod and Faye did likewise. Then Faye suddenly looked up and asked quite forcefully, ‘Can I still go to the stables?’

‘Not until you’ve had the baby,’ Stan said. ‘You know that. We’ve told you.’

‘We’ve had to suspend her visits to the stables due to health and safety concerns,’ Becky explained to me.

‘How long?’ Faye asked.

‘Before you can go to the stables again?’ Becky clarified. ‘About three and a half months. That’s around fourteen weeks.’

‘How many sleeps?’ Faye asked as a young child might. Clearly she liked going to the stables. She wasn’t checking with her gran but talking directly to Becky. I was pleased to see this other side of Faye.

‘Ninety-eight sleeps,’ Stan said with a small sigh. ‘One less than yesterday.’ So I guessed this was something he had to explain quite often. ‘Once you’re home again with us, Sue will start collecting you and taking you to the stables. I promise you, love.’

Faye gave a small, amicable nod, but I wondered if she really did understand the time scale. Time is a difficult concept for young children and adults with learning disabilities, but it was something I’d be able to help her with when she came to me, just as Stan was doing by explaining the number of sleeps.

‘How will Faye visit us?’ Wilma now asked. ‘She can use the bus once she knows the route.’

‘I can go with her and show her the route,’ I said. ‘Or I could bring her in my car. How often will she be visiting you?’

‘Every day if she wants,’ Wilma said.

‘She’ll need to spend time with Cathy to settle in, plus she has appointments and check-ups,’ Becky said. ‘I suggest she visits three times a week, perhaps every other day. Also,’ Becky said, now turning to me, ‘it’s important that Faye is encouraged to be as independent as possible, so once she knows the bus route let her do it by herself. She has a pay-as-you-go phone and knows how to use it. We’ll put your number into her contact list so she can phone you if there’s a problem.’

‘I’ve got a mobile phone,’ Faye said to me, smiling proudly. ‘Would you like to see it?’

‘Yes, please.’

She tucked her hand into her trouser pocket and carefully drew out her phone. ‘I’ll tell you all the people in my contact list. They are my friends and I can phone them.’

I smiled and watched as, using all her concentration and a little clumsily, she pressed the icon to display her contacts. ‘The first number is my home here,’ she said, glancing up at me. ‘Then I have Sue’s number. She runs the stables and I can talk to her. I have the number of the day centre I go to. My other number is for Emma. She is my friend at the day centre.’ Faye looked at me proudly. Bless her. Four contacts, and that was it. The total of her social circle. My heart clenched when I thought of the lists of names most of us have stored in our phones. ‘Shall I put your number in now?’ she asked me.

‘Yes, if you like,’ I said.

She passed the phone to her gran to enter the number. ‘I don’t know how to use these things,’ Wilma said and passed it on to Becky.

Becky opened the contacts list and I gave her my landline and mobile numbers to enter. ‘If you ever need me, try both numbers,’ I said to Faye. ‘I’ll always answer one.’

‘It might be a good idea if you have Faye’s number in your phone,’ Becky now said to me. ‘You have Stan and Wilma’s on the placement information forms.’

‘Yes,’ I said. I took my mobile from my bag and entered Faye’s phone number, then Becky returned Faye’s phone to her.

‘Thank you,’ Faye said, her eyes lighting up. ‘I’ve got another contact now!’ She looked as though she’d just been given a much-coveted present, which I suppose in a way she had.