Happy Kids & Happy Mealtimes: The complete guide to raising contented children

Sanctions are the loss of something a child likes or wants as a result of persistent unacceptable behaviour. Sanctions are used in the 3Rs strategy when cooperation hasn’t been achieved after you have Requested, Repeated and Reaffirmed. In the case of Claire staying in her pushchair in the supermarket, she was rewarded with your praise – ‘Good girl’ – and allowed to walk once she had left the supermarket. In the case of Tom who did not respond to your Request for him to stop running his toy lorry over the coffee table, the sanction was the loss of his lorry for a set period of time.

Sanctions need to be age and incident appropriate, and should come as soon as possible after the negative behaviour. Because the 3Rs strategy teaches cooperation, with the child doing as he or she has been asked, as you implement it the number of instances where sanctions need to be imposed will be reduced.

Foster carers are very limited in the sanctions they can apply; we can’t, for example, stop pocket money. I have found that stopping television or computer or PlayStation time is very effective, for all ages. If the child persists in his or her challenging behaviour and, after warning the child what will happen if he or she doesn’t stop the negative behaviour, I stop viewing time in ten-minute slots. This accumulates, so that ten minutes is added each time the child persistently challenges or disobeys. Ten minutes becomes twenty, then thirty, and so on, resulting in the loss of all viewing time for that evening if necessary. It is highly effective. One ten-year-old boy I fostered whose very challenging behaviour had seen off three foster carers in three weeks and who had been excluded from two schools, stopped 90 per cent of his bad behaviour in a week, simply by my using the 3Rs and the loss of television time as a sanction.

The closed choice

I like this technique immensely, as it’s easy and instant. I use it all the time to ensure cooperation as part of the 3Rs, and with all ages of children. It works with adults too! A closed choice is a clever little ploy that allows the child to believe he or she is making his or her own decision, while in effect the child is complying with what you have asked him or her to do. It is highly successful and greatly reduces confrontation, while increasing cooperation. The end result is that the child has done as you have asked without it becoming an issue.

It works like this. You want a child to do something which you think is going to be an issue, as it has been an issue in the past, so you offer two alternatives which lead to the same result – i.e. the child does as you want.

Let’s say you want Tom to clear up his toys, which are littering the entire downstairs of the house. Tom has had a great time playing, but you know from previous experience that he is less enthusiastic about clearing up and likely to refuse, ignore you or throw a wobbler. Now is a good time to use the closed choice. Instead of simply saying, ‘Tom, put your toys away, please,’ you say, ‘Tom, it’s time to put your toys away. Which room do you want to clear up first?’ Rather than refusing, Tom will find the answer (the decision as to where he wants to begin) already on his lips – ‘This room first.’

Or say Claire needs to put on her shoes, because you are going out, but you know from past experience that Claire doesn’t like wearing her shoes and would rather go barefoot, as she does in the house. Instead of saying, ‘Claire, we’re going out shortly, so put on your shoes, please,’ and then bracing yourself for a tantrum, try instead: ‘Claire, we are going out soon. Here are your shoes. Which one would you like to put on first – left or right?’ You say this positively, while offering her the two shoes. Claire will already be taking the shoe she has chosen to put on first without realising she is completing your Request.

The closed choice works with children of all ages, right through to teenagers, although obviously the situation and choice offered varies. For a teenager there might be issues surrounding keeping their bedroom tidy (untidy bedrooms are synonymous with teenagers). So instead of ‘Tom, can you clear up your room now, please?’ which is likely to be ignored or at best acknowledged with a grunt and no movement to tidy, try: ‘Tom, do you want to clear up your room before you have your shower or after?’ Tom now has to make a decision, and both options result in some tidying of his bedroom.

If Tom or Claire says ‘Neither’ in answer to your closed-choice question (more likely in the older, teenage Tom than the younger Tom), then see it through with the 3Rs. Begin with a Request that is also a closed choice – ‘Tom, your bedroom needs tidying. Do you want to tidy it before or after your shower?’ If Tom says ‘Neither’, then Repeat, and Reaffirm with a warning of the sanction for not complying. With the teenage Tom, who likes MSN-ing his friends in the evening, the sanction might be that the computer doesn’t go on until he has done as you have asked. However, if you have been using the 3Rs for some time Tom will be more likely to do as you have asked without being warned of a sanction. He will know from past experience that you mean what you say, so he might as well comply – if not immediately then within a reasonable time.

If you have two or more children not cooperating at the same time, as can easily happen in a large family, you can address them both together if they are in the same room. If they are not, address whichever child’s behaviour is causing the greater problem first. Once that child has co-operated, having his or her cooperation will be a good example to the other children and they are more likely to follow suit. Siblings can be catalysts for each other, positive and negative. I will say more about this later in family meetings.

CHAPTER TWO (#u486ae103-1c7b-5689-b84b-f9e061fff370)

Preschool (#u486ae103-1c7b-5689-b84b-f9e061fff370)

Rising five: 3–5

Also known as preschoolers, this is the age group of three to five years, when your child’s world is opening even wider, and with it increasing opportunities to explore, question and socialise. Obviously you will still be nurturing your child and tending to his or her needs (and will be for many years to come), but you will also be giving your child more responsibility, including responsibility for his or her behaviour. The conversations you have with your child will have greater depth: you will discuss options and outcomes, and make decisions together. At the same time you will be providing discipline and enjoying your child’s character. Your child’s behaviour will be reflected in the multitude of little choices and decisions he or she is now faced with, each and every day. The guidelines and boundaries you put in place in the previous years, using the 3Rs, will be even more important now, as your child strides towards greater autonomy and independence.

The preschool child should now be aware of your rules for acceptable behaviour and will already be following many of them without being reminded. However, children of this age are naturally enthusiastic and impetuous, diving into things without the pre-thought or consideration an older child might give. Even the ‘easiest’ and most cooperative child will sometimes surprise/shock a parent with a burst of unacceptable negative behaviour. The child’s world is opening up very quickly, and all manner of things are now possible for the child, which weren’t before, and this can be overwhelming. Your child will need to know more than ever that you are there to guide, advise and reassure, and that you love him or her unreservedly, regardless of how bad his or her behaviour is.

If your child is already off track and displaying very challenging and demanding behaviour, which leaves you frustrated, sad, angry and dreading the next day, see Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo). Now let’s look at what we can reasonably expect of a child in the three-to-five age range with the average likes, dislikes, needs, demands and negative behaviour.

Nursery

Most children at this age will be starting nursery or preschool, and this will expand their world even further. Your child will socialise and interact with his or her peer group on a daily basis and within the structured environment of the nursery. There will be a different routine to the one your child has been familiar with at home, with different adults, in the form of teachers and assistants, standing in your place for a large part of the day. Not only will these adults look and smell different from you, but they will also act differently, and may have different expectations to yours (which your child is used to). Your child will be expected to follow these adults’ instructions and rules, as well as sharing and cooperating with his or her peer group.

Tom and Claire will need a lot of reassurance, explanation and praise at this time, both from you and the nursery staff, as they slowly integrate into this new and important setting – the next stage in their lives. Don’t underestimate the effect starting nursery or preschool can have on your child. Even a very confident and outward going child may suddenly present with fractious or bad behaviour. Be sensitive to the changes but do not let starting nursery become an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

The morning routine

A good working routine is essential now your child is at nursery, as you will be expected to have your child there on time, washed, dressed and breakfasted, not rushing in late (and irritable) from having been dragged out of bed. Apart from allowing your household to run smoothly, routine gives your child security and reassurance, and reduces confrontation. If Tom knows he has to be up and dressed at a certain time every morning, or have his bath at 7.00 p.m. every evening, then he will be expecting it, and be less likely to put up resistance.

I am talking here not about a dogmatic and inflexible routine, such as that which some child-rearing gurus enforce on a child right from babyhood, but a sensible working routine that accommodates all family members and allows the household to run smoothly. Obviously always allow plenty of time in the morning for the things you have to do before you leave the house. Leaving in a last-minute dash will find you stressed, short on patience, and with frustration and confrontation setting in when Tom dawdles. The morning routine you develop now will continue with some modification when your child starts school.

Use the 3Rs to put your routine in place. For example: Tom has to get up and dressed in the morning ready for nursery, but getting ready at a set time can often cause a young child a problem. First, Request Tom to get dressed, having laid out the clothes he is to wear: ‘Tom, it’s time to get dressed now, ready for nursery.’ Say it positively, expecting Tom to do as asked (even if experience has taught you that that is unlikely). If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked within a reasonable time, then Repeat the Request: ‘Tom, get dressed now, please. We don’t want to be late for nursery. What would you like for breakfast?’ Adding this question or something similar – for example, ‘What would you like to do after nursery?’ – will give Tom something else to think about rather than not getting dressed.

If Tom still refuses, then Reassure and Reaffirm, with the offer of helping him dress. Although Tom can dress himself, children can and do regress at this age, and it is better to reduce your expectations a little and offer help, if it achieves what you want with cooperation. If there is still no cooperation from Tom, despite your offer to help him, or if Tom resists you, then remind him of the sanction for not complying with your Reasonable Request: ‘Tom, I want you to get dressed now, please. I don’t want to stop your television time’ (or whatever sanction you are using). If he still refuses, then say, ‘Tom, I’ve asked you three times to get dressed. You’ve lost ten minutes’ television time. Get dressed now; you don’t want to lose twenty minutes.’ Tom will soon realise that the longer he refuses to comply with your Request, the more of his treat (of television) will be lost. Obviously you must remember to impose the sanction, as not seeing it through will quickly undermine your authority and render this and future sanctions ineffective.

If, having had previous negative experiences, you foresee a problem – for example, Tom not getting up, refusing to have his bath or go to bed – then allow extra time for completing what you want Tom to do. Make sure the needs of any other siblings have been met before you see to Tom, so that you can concentrate on him, his routine and what he has to do, without interruption.

Regression

Although this is a very exciting time for your child, with so many possibilities and expectations it can also be a very frightening time. Apart from simply leaving toddlerhood behind at nursery and preschool, there may also be a new baby in the house. Often at this age a child will revert to less mature behaviour – whining, or asking for the return of a bottle, a pacifier or even a nappy, all of which were dispensed with some time before.

It is up to you how you deal with a minor and short-term regression. Do what you feel comfortable with, but be careful not to over-indulge the regressed behaviour, as it might become a habit that could be difficult to break. I don’t see a problem in letting a four- or five-year-old try a bottle again as long as it’s a fun activity, where you talk to your child about how sucking on the bottle feels, and how great it is that he or she no longer needs a bottle and can drink from a ‘grown-up’ cup and use a knife and fork. However, I would never indulge a child’s whining or tantrums as part of regressed behaviour, and I wouldn’t recommend putting a nappy on a child of this age (when they are dry) or returning a pacifier that is no longer needed.

If your child suddenly, genuinely and dramatically regresses in his or her development and behaviour on all levels, view it as a warning sign that something is wrong. If a child is very anxious about something, there is a comfort in returning to a ‘baby state’ where he or she had no responsibility and had all his or her needs met simply by crying. If there is no apparent reason for the regression, such as a new baby, then talk to your child and try to find out what is troubling him or her. Obviously give lots of reassurance, whatever the reason, and if the regression persists for months and impacts on the child’s life, seek medical advice.

I sometimes foster children of this age and older (seven, eight and nine) who regress on all levels when they first come into care. Often these children have never had a childhood, played or gone through the developmental milestones, because they had adult responsibilities and concerns thrust upon them. They have raised themselves and looked after the house, often because their parents were too drink and drug dependent to do the job, so there was never any time or opportunity for the child to be a child; often these children know how to cook and clean, make up babies’ bottles, wind babies and change nappies (from raising their younger siblings). It is so very sad, for they have no idea how to play.

When they come into care and are finally relieved of the huge and inappropriate burden they have carried all their lives, they can regress dramatically in the first few months. An eight-year-old will return to crawling rather than walking, eating with his fingers, wanting a dummy or bottle, baby talking, wetting and soiling himself, and generally acting like a toddler. I allow much of the child’s regressed behaviour in the first few months, as they settle in and begin to adjust to the new environment and feel safe. It can be quite unsettling to have a sturdy nine-year-old boy crawling on all fours, babbling baby talk and wanting to be picked up and carried like a baby. However, I know from experience that the child will gradually work through the developmental stages he or she previously missed, and will catch up again.

Such behaviour underlines just how important these early developmental stages are for children, particularly the time to be a child and play. If deprived of childhood, then given the opportunity, the child instinctively sets about working through these stages before they can go forward and develop. If a child is permanently deprived of a childhood and never given the opportunity to catch up, it can produce emotional and psychological problems in adulthood. Some therapy encourages regression, with the therapist helping the adult client to feel and work through these early years’ stages.

Nursery anxieties

Children may need a lot of reassurance at this age, particularly when they first start nursery. So if, for example, Tom is refusing to get ready in the morning because he is worried about going to nursery, then talk to him about his concerns while you help him dress, and again for longer in the evening when there is more time. Your child will find comfort in the knowledge that you are tuned into his or her fears and can offer support and suggestions. Spend a lot of time talking and listening to your child at this age, and include in your conversation general talk about nursery, during which it is likely you will be able to pick up concerns your child may have and reassure him or her.

Be on the lookout for hidden worries. If a previously well-behaved child suddenly becomes wilfully challenging, has tantrums, refuses to get dressed ready for nursery or starts bed-wetting, hear warning bells. It could be that your child is anxious about something but doesn’t like to say. Even the most outwardly confident child will have some worries when starting nursery and may well feel too embarrassed to tell you, believing his or her worries are foolish and not experienced by others. It’s surprising what little things can seem huge to a child at this age:

I can’t remember the teacher’s name.

I don’t know how to switch on the tap in the washroom.

Who will help me do up my coat?

Matthew said there’s a ghost in the playhouse.

No one likes me/No one will play with me/I haven’t got any friends.

Wayne pinches me.

Lucy won’t let me join in.

What if I wet myself?

Treat your child’s worries seriously, and never laugh at or minimise them, even if they appear ridiculous: they are not ridiculous to the child. Reassure your child by answering any questions such as ‘Must I drink my milk at break time?’ and if you don’t know the answer, find out by asking the nursery staff the question your child doesn’t feel able to. Be in close contact with the nursery staff and make them aware of any concerns that your child might have which you haven’t been able to deal with simply by reassuring your child.

Behaviour and character

A child becomes autonomous – i.e. a self-governing individual with freedom of action – almost from the day he or she is born. Gone is the early Victorian attitude where young children were viewed as objects, lacking the adult capability to think, feel and make decisions; now we recognise that a child is an individual who is developing his or her autonomy right from the beginning and we respect his or her character. This is far healthier, but more demanding for the parents, than the Victorian ‘seen and not heard’ approach. There is a leap in autonomy when the child becomes mobile, and another huge leap when he or she starts preschool. Although seeing your child turning into a self-regulating individual with character is exciting, and a reward for all your love and attention, it can also be very challenging if your child’s character doesn’t fit snugly alongside yours or your partner’s, which it won’t sometimes.

The more your child’s world opens up, the more autonomous he or she will become, and the more obvious his or her individuality. Your child’s character, including his or her likes, dislikes, temperament, wishes, demands and refusals, all go together to make up your child. Many of your child’s character traits will gel happily with yours, while others may make you wonder exactly who this little person is. How often do you hear a shocked parent exclaim, ‘Where did that come from?!’ or ‘Where did he get that?!’ in relation to a trait in a child’s character (positive or negative) that is not part of the parent’s behaviour. Some of this will simply be part of the child growing up and experimenting with how they want to be, but other aspects will be the child’s character forming – his or her individuality and personality, which you will accommodate while maintaining the boundaries for good behaviour.

Children are not cloned; they are not physically identical to their parents. So there is no reason why their characters should be identical either. Obviously genes, environment and upbringing play a large part in shaping a child, but ultimately they will become their own person. You will find some of their character traits very appealing, while you may not like others. And while you should encourage your child’s autonomy and individuality, you should never allow the child to overrule you and your guidelines. You are the adult, and from years of experience you know what is best for your child.

As unacceptable as the badly behaved child is, so too is the precocious child, who has been brought up to believe that the whole world revolves around them, that their view is the only one and that others are there to fit in with them. The preschool age group has an abundance of this type of child whose parents have over-indulged all their whims, in the mistaken belief that they were encouraging individuality. The parents take pride in what they have done and point out the child’s resulting (precocious) behaviour to anyone who will listen: