Cathy Kelly 6-Book Collection: Someone Like You, What She Wants, Just Between Us, Best of Friends, Always and Forever, Past Secrets

‘When you’re my age, you don’t rush into bed with people,’ Leonie said equably. ‘You have to wait three months for the anti-cellulite cream and the Weight Watchers dinners to work.’

‘I don’t know why you’re so keen on having people jumping into bed at the first minute, anyway, Hannah,’ Emma said hotly. ‘Not everyone is like you. There’s more to life than sex.’

‘I know there is,’ Hannah said in surprise. ‘I was joking, that’s all…’

‘Not all your jokes are funny,’ snapped Emma and, getting to her feet, she rushed off in the direction of the loos.

Hannah blinked back tears. She was so emotional these days. ‘What did I say?’ she asked plaintively.

Sighing, Leonie patted her hand. ‘It’s nothing you’ve said, Hannah. You know I’m utterly thrilled that you’re pregnant, but you’ve got to understand, it’s tough on Emma. She loves you but it’s got to hurt her to see you so blissfully happy about the baby when she’d do anything to be in your place.’

‘That’s not my fault,’ Hannah said stubbornly. ‘She could go and do something about it but she won’t. She probably still hasn’t told Pete she thinks she’s infertile. There’s IVF, fertility drugs, ICSI – there are loads of things they could have done.’

‘I know, I know,’ Leonie comforted. ‘Emma has this mental block about the whole thing. You know she’s convinced that if she has tests and they say she can’t have children, then she’ll have no hope left.’

‘That doesn’t explain why she won’t discuss it with Pete,’ Hannah said.

‘I know. But we could make it a bit easier on her and not talk so exclusively about the baby.’

‘If she didn’t want to come tonight, she shouldn’t have,’ Hannah said. She was hurt that Emma couldn’t share her joy about the baby. She understood wanting something and not having it, but she wouldn’t begrudge Emma if she had something Hannah didn’t. When Hannah had been Felix-less, she hadn’t been jealous that Emma had Pete to come home to every night while she was stuck with the remote control and a dinner for one. How dare she bitch at Hannah now?

‘Don’t get upset,’ Leonie begged, seeing the anger glittering in her friend’s dark eyes. ‘We have been a bit insensitive talking about the baby all night. Give her a break.’

Her face set darkly, Hannah nodded. ‘I don’t want to bore anyone,’ she sniffed.

‘You’re not boring anyone,’ Leonie insisted. ‘I love hearing all about the baby and so would Emma, if only it wasn’t so painful for her. In your heart you know that. Quick, talk about something else. She’s coming back.’

‘Tell us more about the wonderful Hugh,’ Emma said tightly when she sat down.

Hannah said nothing but her full lips were pressed firmly together. Leonie said a silent prayer that they wouldn’t try and kill each other over dessert.

‘Hugh,’ she began cheerfully, ‘is wonderful…’

Normally, the Egypt reunions ended much later than originally planned because they all loved sitting talking, but this time the waiter had barely placed the cafetiere of decaf on the table when Emma announced that she really had to get home.

‘I’ve a busy day tomorrow,’ she said abruptly. ‘We’ve got two guest speakers coming in for the conference and I’m looking after them.’

She drank her coffee quickly, left money for the bill and then got to her feet.

Hannah gave her a brief, cool smile and leaned forward for a kiss on the cheek. The result was a classic air kiss, neither touching.

‘Bye, Leonie,’ Emma said, giving her a genuine hug.

She hurried away, snatching her coat from the waiter, not wanting to hang around in case she either burst into tears or screamed. Emma felt so emotionally charged that she didn’t know quite which emotion would emerge: rage or misery.

As she waited for the bus, she wondered how she’d explain why she was home so early to Pete. He’d be bound to notice that this dinner had been half the length of all the previous ones. He’d even teased her about it earlier, joking that if she came home plastered again, he wasn’t undressing her and putting her to bed.

‘I’ll be sending you to the Betty Ford Clinic for your next birthday if you keep up with these reunions,’ he laughed, his voice crackling on the mobile phone line. ‘I know you’re secretly out on the tear looking for men, I know your type Mrs Sheridan, leaving your wedding ring in your handbag…’

‘Pig,’ she chuckled into the receiver. ‘I must go, love. My other line is ringing. There’s a pizza in the freezer. I’ll see you later, Pete.’

Emma leaned wearily against the bus shelter, wanting to be home so she could feel Pete’s arms comforting her. Hannah was so pregnant, looking so blissfully maternal that it hurt. But, of course, she couldn’t explain that to Pete. What would he think of her if she revealed that a green-eyed monster raged through her every time she had to look at Hannah’s burgeoning belly? All evening, she’d had to look away or bite her lip to hide the intensity of her feelings. She was ashamed of herself. What sort of a friend was she? When the chips were down, she was more concerned about herself than about anyone else. Shame washing over her, Emma vowed to phone Hannah the next day and apologize. It was only fair. They were supposed to be friends.

She let herself into the house. The hall was in darkness. Good. Pete wasn’t home yet. He’d mentioned that he might go for a drink with Mike after work. At least his absence gave her a chance to go to bed. And if he came in after a few drinks, he wouldn’t be intuitive enough to notice her downcast eyes.

Emma left the hall light on and went upstairs to bed. She got as far as taking off her blouse when the wave of utter hopelessness hit her and she had to sit down on the edge of the bed and weep. Great gusts of sobs came from her, her chest heaved with each breath and she cried until her face was red and raw. Would she ever get over this pain of being childless? She’d stopped wondering if she’d ever have a child: that seemed too hopeless now. All she wanted was for the pain of wanting to abate somewhat, so she could cope.

‘What’s wrong?’

Startled, Emma looked up to see Pete standing in the doorway in his ancient leather jacket and faded jeans.

For a brief moment, she thought of lying. Then Elinor Dupre’s voice sounded in her head: ‘What’s so wrong about saying what you want, Emma?’

Elinor was right. She couldn’t hide it any more. ‘Hannah’s pregnant and it’s killing me. I can’t bear to think I’ll never have my own baby. I think I’m infertile,’ she said bluntly.

‘Oh Em,’ said Pete. ‘I’m so sorry, my love.’ He looked at her helplessly, his normally merry face miserable.

Suddenly, Emma regretted telling him. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she was upset, now he was too.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she backtracked. ‘Let’s forget I ever said that.’

‘Forget it?’ Pete said incredulously. ‘Why should I forget it? This involves me too, Emma, in case you’ve forgotten. There are two of us in this marriage, you know. Nothing annoys me more than the way you feel you have to shoulder all these things on your own,’ he said fiercely. ‘You’ve never let me stand up to your father, even though he bullies you; you insist on keeping secrets like this to yourself and you let Kirsten get away with murder when it comes to family responsibilities. You just won’t let me help. Why the hell are you pushing me away? You’re destroying our marriage, in case you hadn’t noticed. Stop locking me out of your life!’

She’d never seen him so angry. He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. ‘Why can’t you see that I love you, Emma? I love you,’ he yelled. ‘Not the person you think you have to be to be loved!’

‘I know,’ she stammered. ‘I didn’t want to tell you…’

‘In case I’d be angry with you,’ he roared, ‘like your bloody father?’

She flinched at the rage in his voice. ‘No,’ she protested, ‘not because of that. Because…’ she faltered.

He waited angrily.

‘Because I thought that if I said anything, it wouldn’t just be in my head, it would be real: I couldn’t have a baby. It would be the worst possible result, I just know it.’

‘Jesus, Emma, that’s stupid,’ he said, but she could see the anger fading from his eyes. ‘That’s superstitious rubbish. Did you really think that saying the words would jinx us? Because if you do, then there’s no point in us seeing an ordinary doctor about this. We might as well see a witch doctor or a voodoo queen. Or, better still, I’ll buy tarot cards and use those to work out why you haven’t become pregnant.’

‘You can’t buy tarot cards for yourself,’ Emma said in a small voice. ‘They only work when somebody else has bought them for you. I read that somewhere.’

Pete laughed and pulled her into his arms. ‘As you read so much, have you ever read about all the medical stuff they can do for childless couples?’ he asked.

She nodded.

‘Right. If they can clone sheep, pigs and the Boys from Brazil, they can help us have a baby. Infertility isn’t half as complicated as cloning, so I think we’re in with a chance. We’re young, we’re healthy – we’ll do anything, right?’

‘I hated the thought of putting you through all that investigative stuff,’ Emma said, her face buried in his shoulder.

‘You mean being locked in a room with a paper cup and the entire back catalogue of Hustler?’ he asked wickedly. ‘You may have to come in and help me with that, Em. But we can do it. Hey, who knows, there may be nothing wrong with either of us. You could be panicking unnecessarily. It takes time to make a baby, you know.’