Iole

Dear Wayne: Do you remember that tract of land, adjoining your preserve, which you attempted to buy four years ago? It was held by a crank community, and they refused to sell, and made trouble for your patrols by dumping dye-stuffs and sawdust into the Ashton Creek.

Well, the community has broken up, the shops are in ruins, and there is nobody there now except that bankrupt poet, Guilford. I bought the mortgage for you, foreseeing a slump in that sort of art, and I expect to begin foreclosure proceedings and buy in the tract, which, as you will recollect, includes some fine game cover and the Ashton stream, where you wanted to establish a hatchery. This is a God-forsaken spot. I’m on my way to the poet’s now. Shall I begin foreclosure proceedings and fire him? Wire me what to do.

    Yours,
    Briggs.

Wayne received this letter two days later. Preoccupied as he was in fitting out his yacht for commission, he wired briefly, “Fire poet,” and dismissed the matter from his mind.

The next day, grappling with the problem of Japanese stewards and the decadence of all sailormen, he received a telegram from Briggs:

“Can’t you manage to come up here?”

Irritated, he telegraphed back:

“Impossible. Why don’t you arrange to fire poet?” And Briggs replied: “Can’t fire poet. There are extenuating circumstances.”

“Did you say exterminating or extenuating?” wired Wayne. “I said extenuating,” replied Briggs.

Then the following telegrams were exchanged in order:

(1)

What are the extenuating circumstances?

    Wayne.

(2)

Eight innocent children. Come up at once.

    Briggs.

(3)

Boat in commission. Can’t go. Why don’t you fix things?

    Wayne.

(4)

How?

    Briggs.

(5)

    (Dated New London.)

What on earth is the matter with you? Are you going to fix things and join me at Bar Harbor or are you not?

    Wayne.

(6)

As I don’t know how you want me to fix things, I can not join you.

    Briggs.

(7)

    (Dated Portland, Maine.)

Stuyvesant Briggs, what the devil is the matter with you? It’s absolutely necessary that I have the Ashton stream for a hatchery, and you know it. What sort of a business man are you, anyhow? Of course I don’t propose to treat that poet inhumanly. Arrange to bid in the tract, run up the price against your own bidding, and let the poet have a few thousand if he is hard put. Don’t worry me any more; I’m busy with a fool crew, and you are spoiling my cruise by not joining me.

    Wayne.

(8)

He won’t do it.

    Briggs.

(9)

Who won’t do what?

    Wayne.

(10)

Poet refuses to discuss the matter.

    Briggs.

(11)

Fire that poet. You’ve spoiled my cruise with your telegrams.

    Wayne.

(12)

(Marked “Collect.”)

Look here, George Wayne, don’t drive me to desperation. You ought to come up and face the situation yourself. I can’t fire a poet with eight helpless children, can I? And while I’m about it, let me inform you that every time you telegraph me it costs me five dollars for a carrier to bring the despatch over from the station; and every time I telegraph you I am obliged to walk five miles to send it and five miles back again. I’m mad all through, and my shoes are worn out, and I’m tired. Besides, I’m too busy to telegraph.

    Briggs.