The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club. Volume 1 of 2

A tall bony woman – straight all the way down – in a coarse blue pelisse, with the waist an inch or two below her armpits, responded to the call.

“Can we put this horse up here, my good woman?” said Mr. Tupman, advancing, and speaking in his most seductive tones. The woman looked very hard at the whole party, and the red-headed man whispered something in her ear.

“No,” replied the woman, after a little consideration, “I’m afeered on it.”

“Afraid!” exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, “what’s the woman afraid of?”

“It got us into trouble last time,” said the woman, turning into the house; “I woant have nothin’ to say to ’un.”

“Most extraordinary thing I ever met with in my life,” said the astonished Mr. Pickwick.

“I – I – really believe,” whispered Mr. Winkle, as his friends gathered round him, “that they think we have come by this horse in some dishonest manner.”

“What!” exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in a storm of indignation. Mr. Winkle modestly repeated his suggestion.

“Hallo, you fellow!” said the angry Mr. Pickwick, “do you think we stole this horse?”

“I’m sure ye did,” replied the red-headed man, with a grin which agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other. Saying which he turned into the house, and banged the door after him.

“It’s like a dream,” ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, “a hideous dream. The idea of a man’s walking about, all day, with a dreadful horse that he can’t get rid of!” The depressed Pickwickians turned moodily away, with a tall quadruped, for which they all felt the most unmitigated disgust, following slowly at their heels.

It was late in the afternoon when the four friends and their four-footed companion turned into the lane leading to Manor Farm: and even when they were so near their place of destination, the pleasure they would have otherwise experienced was materially damped as they reflected on the singularity of their appearance, and the absurdity of their situation. Torn clothes, lacerated faces, dusty shoes, exhausted looks, and, above all, the horse. Oh, how Mr. Pickwick cursed that horse: he had eyed the noble animal from time to time with looks expressive of hatred and revenge; more than once he had calculated the probable amount of the expense he would incur by cutting his throat; and now the temptation to destroy him, or to cast him loose upon the world, rushed upon his mind with tenfold force. He was roused from a meditation on these dire imaginings, by the sudden appearance of two figures at a turn of the lane. It was Mr. Wardle, and his faithful attendant, the fat boy.

“Why, where have you been?” said the hospitable old gentleman; “I’ve been waiting for you all day. Well, you do look tired. What! Scratches! Not hurt, I hope – eh? Well, I am glad to hear that – very. So you’ve been spilt, eh? Never mind. Common accident in these parts. Joe – he’s asleep again! – Joe, take that horse from the gentleman, and lead it into the stable.”

The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with the animal; and the old gentleman, condoling with his guests in homely phrase on so much of the day’s adventures as they thought proper to communicate, led the way to the kitchen.

“We’ll have you put to rights here,” said the old gentleman, “and then I’ll introduce you to the people in the parlour. Emma, bring out the cherry brandy; now, Jane, a needle and thread here; towels and water, Mary. Come, girls, bustle about.”

Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in search of the different articles in requisition, while a couple of large-headed, circular-visaged males rose from their seats in the chimney-corner (for although it was a May evening, their attachment to the wood fire appeared as cordial as if it were Christmas), and dived into some obscure recesses, from which they speedily produced a bottle of blacking, and some half-dozen brushes.

“Bustle!” said the old gentleman again, but the admonition was quite unnecessary, for one of the girls poured out the cherry brandy, and another brought in the towels, and one of the men suddenly seizing Mr. Pickwick by the leg, at imminent hazard of throwing him off his balance, brushed away at his foot, till his corns were red-hot; while the other shampoo’d Mr. Winkle with a heavy clothes-brush, indulging, during the operation, in that hissing sound which hostlers are wont to produce when engaged in rubbing down a horse.

Mr. Snodgrass, having concluded his ablutions, took a survey of the room, while standing with his back to the fire, sipping his cherry brandy with heartfelt satisfaction. He describes it as a large apartment, with a red brick floor and a capacious chimney; the ceiling garnished with hams, sides of bacon, and ropes of onions. The walls were decorated with several hunting-whips, two or three bridles, a saddle, and an old rusty blunderbuss, with an inscription below it, intimating that it was “Loaded” – as it had been, on the same authority, for half a century at least. An old eight-day clock, of solemn and sedate demeanour, ticked gravely in one corner; and a silver watch, of equal antiquity, dangled from one of the many hooks which ornamented the dresser.

“Ready?” said the old gentleman, inquiringly, when his guests had been washed, mended, brushed, and brandied.

“Quite,” replied Mr. Pickwick.

“Come along, then,” and the party having traversed several dark passages, and being joined by Mr. Tupman, who had lingered behind to snatch a kiss from Emma, for which he had been duly rewarded with sundry pushings and scratchings, arrived at the parlour door.

“Welcome,” said their hospitable host, throwing it open and stepping forward to announce them, “Welcome, gentlemen, to Manor Farm.”

CHAPTER VI

An Old-fashioned Card-party. The Clergyman’s Verses. The Story of the Convict’s Return

Several guests who were assembled in the old parlour rose to greet Mr. Pickwick and his friends upon their entrance; and during the performance of the ceremony of introduction, with all due formalities, Mr. Pickwick had leisure to observe the appearance, and speculate upon the characters and pursuits, of the persons by whom he was surrounded – a habit in which he, in common with many other great men, delighted to indulge.

A very old lady, in a lofty cap and faded silk gown – no less a personage than Mr. Wardle’s mother – occupied the post of honour on the right-hand corner of the chimney-piece; and various certificates of her having been brought up in the way she should go when young, and of her not having departed from it when old, ornamented the walls, in the form of samplers of ancient date, worsted landscapes of equal antiquity, and crimson silk tea-kettle holders of a more modern period. The aunt, the two young ladies, and Mr. Wardle, each vying with the other in paying zealous and unremitting attentions to the old lady, crowded round her easy-chair, one holding her ear-trumpet, another an orange, and a third a smelling-bottle, while a fourth was busily engaged in patting and punching the pillows which were arranged for her support. On the opposite side sat a bald-headed old gentleman, with a good-humoured benevolent face – the clergyman of Dingley Dell; and next him sat his wife, a stout blooming old lady, who looked as if she were well skilled, not only in the art and mystery of manufacturing home-made cordials greatly to other people’s satisfaction, but of tasting them occasionally very much to her own. A little, hard-headed, Ribston-pippin-faced man, was conversing with a fat old gentleman in one corner; and two or three more old gentlemen, and two or three more old ladies, sat bolt upright and motionless on their chairs, staring very hard at Mr. Pickwick and his fellow-voyagers.

“Mr. Pickwick, mother,” said Mr. Wardle, at the very top of his voice.

“Ah!” said the old lady, shaking her head, “I can’t hear you.”

“Mr. Pickwick, grandma!” screamed both the young ladies together.

“Ah!” exclaimed the old lady. “Well; it don’t much matter. He don’t care for an old ’ooman like me, I dare say.”

“I assure you, ma’am,” said Mr. Pickwick, grasping the old lady’s hand, and speaking so loud that the exertion imparted a crimson hue to his benevolent countenance, “I assure you, ma’am, that nothing delights me more than to see a lady of your time of life heading so fine a family, and looking so young and well.”

“Ah!” said the old lady, after a short pause. “It’s all very fine, I dare say; but I can’t hear him.”

“Grandma’s rather put out now,” said Miss Isabella Wardle, in a low tone; “but she’ll talk to you presently.”

Mr. Pickwick nodded his readiness to humour the infirmities of age, and entered into a general conversation with the other members of the circle.

“Delightful situation this,” said Mr. Pickwick.

“Delightful!” echoed Messrs. Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle.

“Well, I think it is,” said Mr. Wardle.

“There an’t a better spot o’ ground in all Kent, sir,” said the hard-headed man with the pippin-face; “there an’t indeed, sir – I’m sure there an’t, sir.” The hard-headed man looked triumphantly round, as if he had been very much contradicted by somebody, but had got the better of him at last.

“There an’t a better spot o’ ground in all Kent,” said the hard-headed man again, after a pause.

“’Cept Mullins’s Meadows,” observed the fat man solemnly.

“Mullins’s Meadows!” ejaculated the other, with profound contempt.

“Ah, Mullins’s Meadows,” repeated the fat man.

“Reg’lar good land that,” interposed another fat man.

“And so it is, sure-ly,” said a third fat man.

“Everybody knows that,” said the corpulent host.

The hard-headed man looked dubiously round, but finding himself in the minority, assumed a compassionate air and said no more.

“What are they talking about?” inquired the old lady of one of her granddaughters, in a very audible voice; for, like many deaf people, she never seemed to calculate on the possibility of other persons hearing what she said herself.

“About the land, grandma.”

“What about the land? – nothing the matter, is there?”

“No, no. Mr. Miller was saying our land was better than Mullins’s Meadows.”