Memories Of Our Days

A few days went by and Rudi started to feel better. The pain in his shoulder was not so bad and he started to get up and walk, even if he was quite weak still. Fosco was recovering, but his knee was not okay. If he tried to bend it, he would get shooting pains that would make him stop. The pain was so bad that he furrowed his forehead and squinted his eyes till they became slanted, hissing with rage

-Bloody Yugoslavians- lighting up a cigarette.

He smoked often, standing, leaning against his crutch. Holding the cigarette between his fingers, he would look laid-back again, pushing away the bitterness and the worry into a hidden corner of his look which was not completely invisible. He always had some cigarettes which he would offer to those who asked to take two drags.

Sitting on the same bed, Fosco and Rudi had the time to get to know each other. Rudi told him about himself, his town, his nieces and nephews showing how much you miss all that is important to you and that you take for granted. Fosco listened with the curiosity of a person who finds out about the peaceful life in the suburbs and was asking about Giulia and Giovanni, Ada and Maria as if he knew them. Then he told him about his life as a journalist, about his family who was so different, about his travels following his father who was an ambassador. Rudi listened to what his friend had to say with the curiosity of someone who opens a window onto a completely different view. The world around them was not there anymore at least for the time they were having their conversations. The war, the suffering, the terror that they could see in their friends’ eyes were pushed away by the stories they were telling which would bring them back in time, when all of this was not there. They spoke about women, how they had met them, about those ones they felt they had loved at least for a little while and about those they had made love to. Now more than ever the body of a woman, her smooth and warm skin would have fulfilled their senses. They would have recovered right after making love to her. Then, at the first moment of silence in between their thoughts and their words, reality stroke again and the smell of those bodies, the groans which were all around them would come back to life and were dragging them down forcefully to send them back to real life.

1 Chapter VII

Rudi goes back home

Two weeks after, Rudi came out of hospital with a month’s leave. Fosco was discharged from hospital and tried to convince him to go to his house in Milan. The suggestion was tempting but he just wanted to go back to the peacefulness of his home, he felt as if going back he could get rid of the anxieties that were pressing down on his chest and be able to breathe again with a light heart as he used to. They agreed that before the end of the leave he would have spent a few days in Milan.

Fosco’s knee was still paining him. Before leaving, he gave all his cigarettes to the boys there and leaning on his crutch, still limping, said goodbye to the younger Red Cross nurses kissing them one by one on the cheeks. Making the most of the fact that they were so close and that they were letting themselves loose, he held them tight and rested his lips on theirs, making them shocked and amused.

-This will help you remember me. Once the war is over, please come and see me in Milan- Bending his head slightly he let go of their hands, held in a grip that was more friendly than a simple farewell – See you soon-he whispered staring at them straight in the eyes

On the doorstep, he turned back lifting his crutch up high and said to everyone - Memento audere semper!- Many of them did not understand, those who were in a position to do it, said goodbye politely and Rudi laughed at that wish which sounded out of place.

A few days after, he was discharged from hospital too. He kept his leave in his pocket and over his good shoulder he had his haversack with the few things he owned. He got as far as Verona on a military truck S.P.A. 8000 carrying ammunition which went back and forth from the front to the back roads. There he boarded to Orte. He tried to keep the bandaged arm as steady as possible, but all the jolts of the truck were giving him pain on his wound. The young driver was driving on the rough roads full of potholes very fast. Despite his continuous requests not to drive so fast, he would slowed down per a couple of kilometres then, without realising it, he would go back to the same pace as before. More than once Rudi cursed and was afraid to faint because of the pain. The train journey seemed to him so quiet indeed.

He arrived on a morning of freezing rain, he put a cap on his head to protect him from the heavy rain and waited for half an hour for the bus to Viterbo. While sitting on the wooden bench at the station, he felt the cold get into his bones. The bus was nearly empty and with him there was an elderly woman dressed in black, her face was bony and expressionless, her sunken eyes were hiding behind a mesh of wrinkles. Her arm was inside a big head scarf held at the four corners, from which you could see the leaves of a cauliflower and a pungent smell of cheese. She sat in front of him, keeping her eyes down, deep in God knows what thoughts. Rudi got thinking about her and was wondering who that big bundle was for: a son who was living in another town? … no… she wouldn’t have looked so sad ….maybe someone she was going to ask for a favour …or maybe for someone who could get that son away for a long time to come back home, …or maybe for a doctor from the city to whom she could not pay the fee with cash…

From the window she could see the countryside running along the side of the road. The dark lands soaked with water and the bare trees reminded of the late autumn. In the village people were picking olives and that rain would stop their work for days. For the first time in almost three years he realised that he was not thinking about his life, his grief, his fear. He was aware he was happy for the simple fact that he had forgotten about his soaked and cold body, his fellow soldiers groaning and the smell of ether which would cover the smell of death. He looked at the dark woods that were going fast under his eyes, he recognised the damp smell of the cold wood and he took back that part of himself that was suffocated by the enthusiasm of the youth, then by the suffering, now he felt he was discovering for the first time.

He had written a letter to Giovanni to let him know that he was coming home. When he got off in Viterbo he saw him there waiting for him. He did not recognise him, he was wrapped up in a long black capote and was wearing a wide hat over his head to shelter him from the rain. He crossed his eyes and smiled at him. He saw him just then. Giovanni did not recognise him either. He went over to him just because he realised that he was the only military to get off the bus. He saw standing in front of him a young man who was thin and pale who was looking around almost fearfully, tired and a bit awkward, whose look had lost the shine of the youth. Only after staring at him more carefully he saw his faint smile showing the traits of the confident boy who had left years ago. They got close and finally hugged, Giovanni’s sturdy body, with a little extra weight put on over the last few years, and Rudi’s skinny one.

-Here you are at last!- he exclaimed joyfully, hiding his impressions

-Yes, at home, at last-

-They are all waiting for you, they can’t wait to see you. They have been waiting for days..-

-I am the same, the last part of the journey was never ending…-

-You look tired… -

-Yes, I’m tired. The journey was so long-

-The buggy is right outside the station. Here, put the capote on, it’s cold today. Giulia has made something to eat for you. She thought that probably you haven’t eaten all day-

Giulia.

Rudi smiled thinking about Giulia, so reliable and trustworthy, her pragmatism would show up in every situation. It was true, he hadn’t eaten for many hours and had not realised that up until that moment, he was so used to the hardship at the barricade. The smell that was coming out of the container got him suddenly hungry and while sitting on the buggy beside his brother-in-law, the first thing he did was to open the metal container and start eating.

The journey would last almost two hours. On the dirt road the stones would jolt the buggy and Rudi could not hide his pain .

-How are you?- Giovanni asked him, concerned about his suffering face

-Don’t worry, it’s okay, I’ll be fine once we get home-

The two horses were all wet with the rain and the sweat and trotted without being told where to head to. They knew the way because they did it so many times when they used to go to fairs and coming back was always happier than leaving, especially because when the weather was bad, they wished to enjoy the heat of the stable.

Giovanni wanted to ask him many questions but he realised that he was tired so he kept his questions to a minimum. Rudi himself, as soon as he was told that the family members were okay, much preferred the quietness.

They got there at lunchtime.

Antonino was the first one to see the buggy coming into the driveway. He had been going back and forth between the door and the kitchen window so many times that everybody was annoyed with that. He insisted that his father would bring him with him but Giovanni was not happy and he had to find something to do before their arrival at the house.

The women had been working hard since the early morning to cook the best food they could. Giulia was concealing her distress and her worry behind a busy quietness which would get her to check the pots on the fire, even though there was no need to, and look repeatedly at the window, even though she was well aware that it was far too early for them to arrive.

-Here they are, here they are!- Antonino’s voice was full of joy and everybody rushed towards the front door.

The children were outside in a flash and were jumping around the buggy before it would stop completely. Ada and Maria came out on the patio and Giulia stood at the door, as if she wanted to make sure that it was really him before running to him.

-Calm down, calm down- Giovanni was trying to calm them down and to protect Rudi from their enthusiasm.

-Be careful, your uncle is injured, be careful…-

Rudi bent over and was enjoying all their hugs, trying to shield his aching shoulder.

-Antonino, you are a man now…Clara…come here, give me a kiss…and you two are grown men.

When all the excitement quietened down, he managed eventually to say hello to Ada and Maria.

Giulia went over to him and was staring at him without saying a word. It did not take long to notice that her brother’s happiness was troubled by a trace of distress, which was rooted deep down to dispel his light heartedness. Rudi was extremely thin and he looked like a suffering young man. You could see a sincere joy in him but it was temporary, as if he left somewhere far the roots of lightness,

-Giulia!- he freed himself from all the arms that were around him and went over to her and they hugged without speaking.

The days he spent at home went by quickly, pampered by the adults with their loving care and by the children with their love. Despite a hot bath, a big dinner and the long-forgotten lovely smell of freshly washed bed sheets, he could not get rid of the heavy tiredness the first night. With his eyes closed, in the dark silence of his room, he tried to enjoy that peace but the void was soon filled by blasts and screams, groans and mud, till when the rotten face of one of his wounded fellow soldiers would give him a start, and he felt that he was falling into a well. All in a sweat, he opened his eyes wide and was clinging on to the bed covers in the attempt to stop that disastrous descent, his shoulder aching while trying to get something to hold on to. He was panting anxiously and was trying to calm down his heartbeat, hoping not to have shouted or woken anybody up.

At dawn he heard the first quiet sounds of the home. The light peeping through the windows helped him chase away the visions of the night before and he eventually managed to fall asleep. When he woke up, the older boys were already back from school and everybody was waiting for him for to have lunch.

Day after day he was getting back his strength and his natural colour was coming back. Giulia watched him carefully when he was looking at her, eager to knock down that unintentional wall which was painfully dividing her from him, looking for a crack that could let her in his troubled soul. Rudi felt that look trying to get into his silence and could painfully understand her concern. He pretended not to notice anything till when he managed to shake it off and take part in everyday life, letting her hope that sooner or later everything would be fine and it was just a matter of time.

His young body helped him recover soon and from his face seemed to have disappeared all the traces of his deep distress. After three weeks he told them that he was going to leave in advance because he wanted to spend a few days with one of his friends, before heading back to the battalion headquarters.

1 Chapter VIII

Rudi and Fosco in Milan

Fosco was waiting for him at the central station in Milan. Rudi was standing on the running board of the train and saw a lanky person towering over the crowd who was quickly looking at the carriage windows.

-Fosco!- he shouted his name, waving his hand.

His friend turned around and lifted his stick to greet him, smiling.

He was still limping.