Mindsight

‘What about the money from the sale of your house?’

‘That’s still in the bank. I asked Alice to use it for Tom, but she refused so I’m going to put it towards a place for the two of us, for when he comes back to live with me. But prices have gone up so much and our house was still mortgaged and I need to save every penny I can.’

She shifted and winced, then opened her bag to find some painkillers, swallowing down a couple with a gulp of coffee. ‘But Robert left you both well provided for, surely?’

‘I can’t keep using his money. Alice wants me to, but…’

‘But what?

‘As I’ve tried to tell her, I’m not entitled to it after what I did. And anyway, she was our parents’ only real child and if she’d been born earlier they would probably never have adopted me.’

‘Clare, I’m sure that’s not true. And Alice is right, your father would be furious if he thought you’d rejected your inheritance.’

I stood and turned away, a lump choking at my throat. ‘Lorna, I killed him.’

The table creaked as she leant on it, pushing to her feet. She turned me to towards her, gripping my hands and moving them up and down to emphasise her words. ‘Now look, I knew Robert. You were the apple of his eye and he loved you as much, if not more than, Alice. He’d have hated you to ruin your own life with regrets.’

‘I gave him nothing but trouble, you know that.’

‘He was well aware that you had a hard time from your mother and, although I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, they both bore a lot of responsibility for your problems.’

‘That doesn’t excuse what I did.’

‘He would have forgiven you even that, because he would know, as I do, that you’ve punished yourself enough.’ She sighed and released me, picking up her bag to pull out a tissue. ‘Now, will you call me a taxi, I don’t think this knee will cope with any more walking today.’

At the door I clung to her, breathing in her familiar scent. She pulled back and looked into my eyes. ‘When are you coming to visit me?’

‘Soon.’

‘I shall hold you to that. Then we can really talk.’

Chapter Six (#ulink_9b624d27-10a7-572b-81c0-5172bfaf507f)

Once I was alone in the quiet flat again, I thought about Lorna. She had been kind, but she couldn’t really help me. It was the same in prison when she used to tell me I should let Tommy visit, and I knew she was right, but I just couldn’t do it.

Oh, I kidded myself I was thinking of what was best for him. Ruby saw her kids, but there were plenty, like me, who persuaded themselves they wanted to spare their children: to save them the heartache of being separated again and again, blah de blah. The truth was, we were ashamed to face those clear eyes, the inevitable questions.

I had to face them now if I ever wanted Tommy back with me; to be a real mother to him. I picked up the phone: desperate just to hear his voice again.

Alice answered and I asked, ‘Is he all right? Do you think it went OK yesterday?’

I heard sounds, as if she was moving to another room or closing a door. ‘He’s been very quiet since, but apart from that… What about you?’

‘I’m all right, better, I think. I’ve emailed Emily, just to say hello.’

‘That’s good, I know she really wants to see you.’ Now her voice came from a distance, calling to Tom. ‘Yes it is. Come and speak to her.’ Then close to the phone again, very gently. ‘Here he is.’

Silence. I tried to speak but my throat had dried so much it came out on a cough. ‘OK, Tom?’

‘Yeah.’

Keep it light. ‘What are you up to?’

‘Nothing much.’

This was awful. ‘I was hoping to get over again tomorrow,’ I said. ‘It’s Sunday, so we’ll have a bit more time together.’

‘Oh, no, I’ve got a table tennis tournament all day tomorrow and I’m going to Mark’s after, for tea, so I won’t be back till late.’

‘Oh… Fine. Of course… ’

‘Sorry.’

‘That’s OK, don’t worry about it.’ The silence stretched between us. ‘Well… good luck… hope it goes well.’

‘Thanks.’ I heard his breath, loud and fast in my ear, but he said nothing more and I couldn’t manage anything either. I asked to talk to Alice again.

‘I’ll get her. Bye.’ The phone clunked down, as if he’d dropped it, and I heard his footsteps, a mumble of voices, then the sharp crack of his laugh followed by a chuckle from Alice.

‘I am sorry, Clare. I didn’t know about the table tennis, or the tea for that matter,’ she said when she came on. ‘I try to keep track of dates, but he’s getting worse and worse at letting me know.’

‘It’s fine. I can’t expect him to put everything on hold for me.’

‘Why don’t you come over anyway and have lunch with me? Or I could check what he’s got on Monday and Tuesday and we can arrange something then.’

I promised to ring her the next day and said some kind of goodbye. Then I sat holding the silent phone, rocking back and forth as I bit the inside of my mouth, hoping the physical pain might somehow help. I had no idea what I’d expected, but at least I’d hoped to see him soon. Hoped he would want to see me.

What bothered me was the way he seemed so remote. And the way he’d laughed with Alice. So different from our few stumbling words.

Of course, it was bound to be awkward at first, and I should have planned what to say more carefully – I promised myself I would do that next time. And I couldn’t put the blame on Alice or anyone else. It was my own fault, all of it. How stupid I’d been to ban him from visiting me.

Some of the women in prison were honest and admitted they’d never wanted kids in the first place and the one good thing about doing time was that it freed them from those clinging bundles of dependency. Most were like me, lying to themselves. I told myself it was better if he got on with his own life and forgot about me. But the truth was that seeing my child would have been unbearable because it would have reminded me of all the ways I’d hurt him.

I decided to write to Ruby. She’d told me not to, told me to put prison and everything to do with it behind me, but I knew she would be happy to hear from me. And she was the only person I could tell everything.

But when I’d finished pouring it all out onto the page, I realised I couldn’t send a letter like this. The screws would read it before Ruby and I imagined that big bitch Maureen having a good laugh at my pathetic ramblings. I tore the paper into tiny pieces and scattered them on the table, pressing my fists against my temples as I muttered curses to myself, to the bastard screws, and even to the crumpled sea for lying there so grey and sluggish.

Unbelievable as it seemed, I wanted nothing more at that moment than to be back in prison, with Mike to tell me to put the past behind me, and Ruby to cheer me on when I began to hope I might have some kind of future outside.

It had been terrible in the early days. I was sure I was innocent and could only grieve for the family I had lost and obsess over the agony of separation from Tommy. The one thing that kept me going then was believing my appeal must succeed and I would soon be back with him. But even before the appeal failed I realised I had to be guilty, and for a long time after that I could hardly imagine how to carry on living. Didn’t want to go on.

I was never sure when things changed, but one day I found myself talking to Ruby, and later to Alice and Lorna, about seeing Tommy again and trying to be a mother to him once more. I had been so determined to make it work that I remembered a few days when I had felt so hopeful it was almost like happiness. If I could hear Ruby’s voice again, maybe I could recapture that sense of hope.

In the end, I wrote her a short note, saying I just wanted to make sure she still had my address and phone number. I would buy a phone card and slip that into the envelope hoping she would understand it as a plea to call me.

But almost as if I’d actually spoken to her, I could hear what she would say. It was no good dwelling on how badly I’d dealt with things in the past. I had to give Tom what he needed now and that meant taking his questions seriously, and trying to find some answers, no matter how difficult it was for me. It would mean probing into things people would rather forget. And, above all, trying to force my own stubborn brain to reveal what it was hiding. It would hurt, I knew that, it might even turn Tom against me, but it was the very least I owed him.

I would have to start with Emily and Matt. And the place where it happened. I hadn’t seen Matt since that night. But Emily was there through most of the trial, spoke up as a witness for my defence, although she didn’t know much, and then sat and watched, smiling and nodding encouragement at me. Later, she came to see me regularly in prison until I refused her visits.