It’s Not What You Think

It couldn’t be.

‘Are you alright?’

It was—it was Tina’s voice.

Slowly I turned around and sure enough the rest of the world was still there and in the middle of it all, larger than life with the sweetest, most benevolent expression on her face, framed perfectly, was Tina.

‘Yeah, I’m OK thanks—just checking out the wall.’

‘I know, I’ve been watching you for the last few minutes. I’d been trying to find you since break started and then I saw you over here.’

‘Oh…’ (Brilliant reply, Chris, simply brilliant. That’s how you get your girl, with a weak and pathetic ‘Oh.’)

‘I heard what happened last night and I’m really sorry, he’s such an idiot.’

‘Oh…’ (I was getting good at this ‘oh’ business.)

‘He’s not my boyfriend, you know, at least definitely not now. I was sort of seeing him but not really, I mean, we hadn’t ever done anything.’

‘Er…I see.’ (Hey, look at that, I was evolving, like prehistoric man—only slower.)

She was still smiling, she really did have the greatest smile and she had more to say.

‘So now he’s not my boyfriend, that means we could go out together…if you liked?’

If—I—liked?

IF I LIKED?

Of course I liked. Tina, I was in love with you.

‘But…’

Here’s a little tip, whenever anyone gives you or offers you something you want, something you have longed for, something you have only ever been able to dream about before—do not—whatever you do—start your next sentence with the word…but.

It’s pointless, there is no need, it’s not heroic or grateful sounding. To be meek at these times serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. It just sounds wet and feeble, it introduces tedium into the proceedings and, above all, it’s completely and altogether stupid.

‘…but…’ (Aggggghhhhh!!! Shut up, you cock.)

‘But what?’

But nothing, you prick. Say—‘But nothing.’

(The only word that should ever really follow ‘but’ is the word ‘nothing’, then the world would be a better place and we would all get more things done and there would be less wars.) Tell her you love her and you love her smell and you always have and you always will and that you would walk over hot coals just to be able to get her back her rough book.

‘But…’ and then it came, the most ridiculous self-pitying, crap line of all time, ‘…why would you want to go out with me?’

Genius.

‘I always have, ever since we first met. I think you’re really nice and funny. I was going to ask you anyway. I just had to sort out the thing with Shit For Brains.’

‘Ha ha, that’s what I call him.’

‘Ha ha—see, we already have something in common…So what do you think?’

‘I think yeah, absolutely.’ This was more like it. Acceptance is everything in most occasions.

‘Brill, so I’ll wait for you at home time by the gates then. You can walk me back to ours.’

Wow bloody wee. She was amazing, different class, she had sealed the deal—almost.

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I would love to do that.’

‘I would love you to do that.’

‘Great,’ I said.

‘Fab,’ she said.

‘Fine,’ I said.

‘Well…’ she said.

‘What?’ I said.

‘Aren’t you going to kiss your new girlfriend?’

Oh my goodness, this girl was the tops, the nuts, it didn’t get any better than this and if it did I didn’t want it.

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I would love to do that.’

‘I would love you to do that.’

And then we kissed—briefly but softly and beautifully. We pulled apart and smiled.

‘Should we do it again?’ I asked.

‘Yehhhh,’ said Tina enthusiastically.

This time we went for it, a full-on playground snog and it was earth-shattering. Tina was totally into it, I was totally into it. Unfortunately the teacher on duty at the time was not so much into it.

‘Can you please stop that kissing, you two?’ said the master in question.

When we pulled apart I remember him being visibly shocked to see who it was. As I said before, Tina was a model pupil.

‘And Tina, you should know better.’

Without missing a beat, she replied, ‘Sorry sir, we weren’t really kissing, we were practising for later.’