Fear of Falling

When Laura left, Natalie tried to concentrate on the catalog copy once more. But the secretary’s questions had stirred up memories of her one ill-fated circus romance.

His name was Hal. He was blond and muscular, the kind of man who would elicit a second look from women of all ages. They had met secretly for a few weeks until Gigi had discovered them. She had lectured Natalie on the need for self-control. “You have a chance to be a star. You’d throw away that for a roll in the hay?”

“I can be a star and still have a life!”

“What if you get pregnant?”

“I’m not stupid. We use a condom.” Her face had burned at the very idea of having such a conversation with her mother.

“Condoms break. You’re proof of that.”

Natalie had seen then what this was really about. Her unknown father had gotten Gigi pregnant and left. Overnight, Gigi had been relegated from star performer to wardrobe assistant. Even after Natalie was born and Gigi returned to performing, she had never regained her former glory.

“You can’t do this to me!” Natalie had cried. “I can’t stand having you run my life anymore. I’ll leave the show.”

“And go where?” Gigi had asked. “With him to whatever pathetic job he can find?” She’d spat on the floor of the warehouse the troupe was using as a rehearsal hall. “Do you think he even wants you again now that he’s had you? He didn’t ask you to go with him, did he?”

Even blinded by anger, Natalie had seen the truth of Gigi’s words. The Cirque du Paris was the only world she knew, so she remained there, as Gigi had known she would. She had not rebelled again, focusing instead on performing, venting her passions in the demands of the complicated acrobatic routines which became her specialty.

In that way, leaving the circus now was almost a relief. Though she was giving up everything she’d worked for her whole life, here was her chance to explore a life away from her mother’s control.

The phone rang and she answered it. As if summoned by her thoughts, Gigi’s voice barked at her. “Something terrible has happened,” she announced with her usual drama.

Knowing Gigi, this could be anything from the loss of her favorite costume designer to a cancelled tour date. But Natalie’s days of being drawn into her mother’s hysterics were over. “What is it, Mother?” she asked calmly.