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Colors Insulting to Nature

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2018
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“Catching flies?” Liza snapped.

They laughed heartily.

“Want to bob on my knob?” one of the boys yelled as she clicked away on her heels. Liza had no idea what he was talking about but flipped him the finger anyway.

Liza’s homeroom was her English class, which was taught by a species of woman indigenous to Marin County: a fading beauty-cum-richex-hippie clotheshorse, partial to flowing “art to wear” garments of hand-painted silk with bleeding color patterns that resembled magnified bacteria. Mrs. Gubbins—“You can call me Kay!”—had married well, divorced well, and married so well again that she was at leave to pursue her altruistic mission of teaching high school English as an aside to her real “life goals,” which were apparently proselytizing for a certain faddish, Marin “self-actualization” cult known as everBest™. Her mediocre, uninspired English teaching was peppered with shrilly enthusiastic ever Bestial axioms and smug truisms.

“Let’s situate the desks into a circle so we can all monitor each other’s eyes, shall we?” Kay trumpeted to her class of miserable, pocky fourteen-year-olds, all craving invisibility. Kay had all of the students go around the circle and say their names, their nicknames, and what they’d “rather be doing other than being responsibly here, now, in the present.”


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