Bed of Roses

Robert kneels up. He is still fully dressed; neat and clean in his thick woolly jersey, the ends of his open-toed sandals bending backwards against the carpet-tile floor. He is smiling at her, full of concern. ‘Am I rushing you a bit?’

‘What? What the fuck—’

And then a tippety-tap on the office door.

Another sunny day. Five minutes previously Geraldine Adams had hung up her telephone in irritation. She’s been trying to speak to Fanny all week, without success, and Geraldine is the sort of woman who, when she decides to do something, likes to do it; likes to set the wheels in motion at once. After drumming her fingers on the Old Rectory breakfast bar once or twice, she picked up her house keys and marched over to the school in person. Geraldine didn’t stop at Mrs Haywood’s desk. She headed straight on up to Fanny’s office. To tippety-tap on Fanny’s door.

‘He-llo?’ she says pleasantly. ‘Hello, Miss Flynn?’

Miss Flynn’s and her deputy’s eyes lock. An isolated flash of unity; a shared moment of unadulterated panic.

He leaps to his feet, pulls her up. She straightens her skirt.

‘Miss Flynn?’

‘Give me two seconds!’ she calls.

She does up the buttons of her shirt. Quickly, with curious proficiency, he licks his fingers and neatens her hair. He rearranges her desktop, pulls out her chair and thrusts her down on to it, stands back to examine the effect.

He winks at her. Gives her the thumbs up. Fanny looks away.

‘Come in!’ she calls. ‘Come on in! I’m so sorry to keep you waiting…’

Geraldine pokes her head through the doorway, a frown of utmost curiosity on her handsome face. ‘Sorry to barge in,’ she says unapologetically, her eyes darting this way and that. ‘Do you have a minute, Miss Flynn? Only it seems we never manage to catch each other on the phone. So I’ve broken all the rules and just dropped in! Hope you don’t mind.’

Fanny looks blank. What rules? Who is this woman?

Geraldine, who never forgets a face or a name or a pin number, or where she put her bloody keys, assumes quite incorrectly that Fanny remembers her from the school gate. It is, after all, Fanny’s business to recognise the parents of her pupils. Besides which Geraldine owns the secondprettiest house in Fiddleford and she cuts, she thinks, a more sophisticated-than-average figure in the village. It doesn’t occur to her to introduce herself.

‘Do I mind?’ says Fanny. ‘Not at all! Come on in.’

Geraldine twinkles at Robert. ‘He-llo, Robert!’ she says flirtatiously. She has always made it a policy to flirt with Ollie’s male teachers. She’s not sure why, but she’s convinced it helps the Adams Family Interest one way or another. ‘And how are you, sir, on this sunny Thursday morning?’

‘Just about bearing up.’ He beams at her and then at Fanny. ‘Just about bearing up under the new regime!’

‘Yes. It must be quite a change.’

‘Certainly is! Quite a change. But I think I can get used to it!’

Fanny feels sick. Why doesn’t he leave? He’s not showing any signs of it. On the contrary he’s crossed his arms over his bony chest and settled his buttocks back on to the radiator opposite Fanny’s desk.

Fanny looks from one to the other, waiting for Robert to leave, or for the unknown woman to explain her presence in her office. She takes a breath to take charge, to send Robert back to his classroom. But Robert likes Geraldine. She’s an intelligent lady, he thinks. A sexy, intelligent lady. Plus she and Clive sent him a case of champagne for Christmas (which he sold to his sister for £120). So he’s not going to leave if he can help it.

‘Fanny, have you met Geraldine properly?’ he asks chattily. ‘Geraldine Adams is little Ollie Adams’s mum. Ollie was in my class last year, and I must say, unlike most of the sprogs I have to deal with, I was actually very sorry to see him go, wasn’t I, Geraldine? He’s a remarkable lad, is Ollie. Very able.’

Geraldine smirks. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘Ollie certainly likes to be challenged. He has a very active mind and, as you know, stimulating that little mind is something we specialise in at home.’ She turns to include Fanny. ‘We encourage him, Fanny, never to take anything at face value. We like him to be always asking “Why?” ’

‘You can tell,’ nods Robert sagely.

‘Why do we respect all religions equally? Why does a car need petrol? Why does the totality function in this manner as opposed to the other? WHY? It’s the one word you’ll hear bouncing around our house. And Ollie just adores it.’ Fanny nods like a puppet; her eyes glaze over. More to the point, WHY is this awful woman in her office? (The Ollie Adams she teaches is lazy, catatonically incurious and thick as pigshit. But no matter.) And even more to the point, WHY hasn’t the repulsive Robert White gone away yet?

By now Geraldine has edged herself fully into the room. She is pressed against the closed office door – the only space left for her – and to Fanny it feels unbearably crowded. But Geraldine and Robert seem quite oblivious, quite at home. Robert is advising Geraldine on how best to nurture young Ollie’s enquiring mind, and they’re both agreeing that a careful balance of verbal and visual stimuli is always important.

‘And of course, as you know, Ollie simply won’t eat anything with artificial additives. Which is marvellous, really…’

Robert asks Geraldine how her husband is doing. He’s doing fine.

Geraldine asks Robert how his girlfriend Julie is doing. She works in the Environmental Health Department at Lamsbury District Council.

‘Julie? Oh, Julie’s doing fine,’ he says. ‘That is,’ he adds, glancing significantly at Fanny, ‘so far as I know.’

‘Ah!’ Geraldine smiles. ‘It’s like that, is it? I am sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry! To be frank with you, Geraldine, it’s a relief. Julie’s a lovely lady, do you know what I mean? But she was one of these ladies who’s after a ring on her finger, 2.5 kiddies in the back yard and all the kit, you know, the TVs, the DVDs, one of these Dyson thingummies. And I must say, I found myself,’ he laughs, slightly hysterically, ‘a teeny bit inhibited by that.’

‘Of course. There has to be give and take,’ says Geraldine vaguely. Robert White doesn’t teach Ollie any more. She would have been satisfied with much less information.

And so would Fanny. ‘Robert,’ says Fanny firmly, at last, ‘don’t you think you ought to be getting back to your class? The children will be waiting for you.’

To both women’s surprise, Robert completely ignores her. He turns again to Geraldine. ‘So!’ he says brightly, his arms still folded, his bottom still in place on the radiator. ‘How can we help you, Mrs Adams?’

‘Well—’ Geraldine hesitates, slightly embarrassed.

‘Robert,’ says Fanny more insistently, but there is – and they all hear it – the faintest hint of a plea in her voice. (It’s been a bad morning.) ‘Robert, I really think—’

‘Relax!’ Robert smiles at Fanny, holds up a soft, white, longfingered hand; Fanny looks at the hand, feels a wave of nausea. ‘I’ve set them a little task which should keep them busy.’ He turns his smile to Geraldine. ‘The mummy of all numeracy problems, as a matter of fact. Ollie would enjoy this one: if you took all the players in the football premier division—’

‘Oh, super,’ bursts out Geraldine, clapping her hands with joy. ‘I think it’s so important to make mathematics relevant, don’t you, Fanny? Relate it to things that actually really matter.’

Fanny smiles wanly. ‘How can I help you, Geraldine? What do you want?’

‘Ahh!’ says Geraldine. ‘Yes. Thank you. I know you must be so busy…’

Fanny glances distractedly at Robert, who is staring back at her, a small smile on his wet lips, and a light of jubilation behind the pale eyes. She scowls at him and he quickly looks away.

Gorgeous, he thinks. Gorgeous little thing.

Geraldine says it’s more a case of what she, Geraldine, can do for Fanny, than what Fanny can do for her. ‘I’ve found time in my schedule,’ she says, ‘and it sounds silly, perhaps, but you know I have so much in life: a husband, a wonderful, happy, healthy son…’

‘Lovely,’ coos Robert. ‘So many people forget to appreciate the simple blessings, don’t they?’

‘They do, Robert. And I feel, now, that the time is right for me to give a little back. I want to actively support Our Little Village School, if you will allow me. And by extension, Fanny, if it doesn’t seem too grandiose, the State Education System in general, which incidentally I firmly believe in.’

Geraldine is well aware (she clarifies) that there are several ‘exceptionally fortunate’ children in the school who may not require her help, but that there are others who concern her; one or two, the thought of whose difficult lives can keep her awake at night. ‘It wouldn’t be appropriate to mention any names, but I think we all know who the kids are, and I passionately believe they might benefit from some extra one-on-one care – something which, with all the best will in the world, you two marvellous teachers simply don’t have the time or the resources to provide.’ She grins, very assured. ‘Am I right?’

‘So right,’ says Robert, stroking his soft hands together.

Fanny looks at her desk, manages to mutter something to the same effect.